


Endless Love

by evildictatoroftaste, veronicasanders



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: AU, Angst, Childhood, Childhood Friends, Childhood Sweethearts, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up Together, M/M, Slow Burn, Smut, Through the Years, Tree Houses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-30 22:54:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 23
Words: 46,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10174268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evildictatoroftaste/pseuds/evildictatoroftaste, https://archiveofourown.org/users/veronicasanders/pseuds/veronicasanders
Summary: This is a slow-burn Bitney AU that starts out with them as childhood friends and follows them into adulthood. (I've been very conservative in the tagging, but many of the chapters are fine for general audiences. I will put individual chapter ratings/warnings in the notes.)





	1. 1987

**Author's Note:**

> In this chapter, Shane’s family moves in across the street from Roy, and the boys get to know each other.  
> CHAPTER RATING: GENERAL AUDIENCES

It all began on a summer afternoon in June. Roy and his sisters were playing in the sprinklers when the taxi pulled up.

Elizabeth, who was 12 and very proud of her position as the oldest, spotted them first. She grabbed Nessa’s hand excitedly. “Look! The new neighbors are here!”

The girls jumped up and down, clapping. Their old neighbors had had twin daughters who always played with Lynn and Vanessa, and they were on pins and needles ever since the SOLD sign went up, breathlessly anticipating their new playmates.

Roy was praying every day that there would be a boy his age. He loved his big sisters but somehow, though there were about 10 families with kids on their block, no boys over 3.

He stood behind Nessa, squeezing her hand.

*

"Shane, honey we're here," Mum whispered, shaking him a little to wake him up.

He yawned and rubbed his eyes as his mum got out of the car then turned to help him out.

"This will be our new home, do you guys like it?"

“It’s okay, I guess,” Kim shrugged, arms crossed, and glanced at Shane.

He looked around with wide eyes as he clutched his teddy bear in his arms. Everything was so different from home in Australia. The house looked bigger and it had a big tree in the front yard, where he thought it would be fun to play with his daddy. He noticed that all the houses along the street looked the same but in different colors.

He saw something move on the corner of his eye and crept around the car to get a closer look. Four kids stood in bathing suits in the front yard across the street. All of them had dripping wet black hair and tan skin. There were three girls and a boy in the middle looking at him.

*

The family climbed out of the cab, the two parents pulling huge suitcases from the trunk and the kids following. There was a girl about Liz’ age with long blonde hair, and then a little boy, holding a big teddy bear. Nessa squeezed Roy’s hand back. “Roy, that kid is probably your age!”

Roy eyed the small tow-headed boy skeptically. “Nah, he looks like he's in pre-school.” He kicked a rock, slightly annoyed. “He's probably 4.”

Liz laughed. “So? You're 5. You can still play with him.”

Roy shrugged, turning back to the sprinklers. “I guess.” But the playmate in his head was not that tiny looking baby. He was older, dressed like Danny Zucko in _Grease_. Maybe he smoked cigarettes and someday would get a motorcycle. That kid? Looked like he'd cry if a motorcycle rode by.

Roy glanced back over his shoulder. The boy stood on the curb, watching him with big eyes. He decided to be friendly, and so he waved at the boy, who hid his face shyly in the bear. Roy rolled his eyes and sighed. _Oh well._

*

When the boy across the street gave him a big smile,  Shane felt his cheeks burn and buried his face in Teddy’s tummy. He didn't feel comfortable when people paid him attention unless he was on a stage.

“Looks like you already make a friend here,” Kim whispered, nudging him, and he stuck his tongue out at her.

"Shane, darling? Are you okay?"

"Yes mummy," he smiled up at her.

“Are you ready to see your rooms?” Kim and Shane nodded and followed her inside.

*

Shane’s mum led him and Kim upstairs, showing them their new bedrooms. “Kimmy, this is your bedroom. Look how big your closet is, darling!”

“Whatever.” Kim had been acting surly for about two months, ever since mum and dad told them that they were moving from Brisbane to Louisiana. That is, when she wasn't crying her eyes out over leaving her friends.

Mum took Shane by the hand. “Come here love, let's find your room.” She pushed open a door across the hall. “See, honey? You have that lovely window seat!”

Shane ran up to the large picture window and climbed onto the seat, pressing his face against the glass. Those kids were still playing in the front yard. He watched the dark-haired boy dance through the water. He turned to one of the bigger girls and began to laugh, dimples appearing in his cheeks. Shane made a silent wish that he would become his friend, and then jumped down from the window, hugging Teddy and smiling up at Mum. “It's a very nice room, Mummy.”

Mum wrapped him into a big hug. “I'm glad you like it, my love. I think we're going to be very happy here.”

*****

The movers arrived the next morning, and Mum ushered the kids out of the house to get them out of the way. They walked around the block for awhile, looking at all the houses. Shane got excited by a tire swing in one of the yards and asked Kim if daddy would put one in their tree for him. “Sure,” she said, and sighed for about the 40th time that day.

“Kimmy?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry you’re sad.” Shane put his arms around her waist and hugged her tightly.

“Thanks,” she whispered, brushing away a few tears with the back of her hand and then placing it on his head.

They turned the corner and ended up where they’d started. The movers had almost finished with their furniture and were starting on the boxes.

Kim glanced across the street. “That’s the house with all those kids. Wanna try ringing the bell?”

Shane looked up at her hopefully, his stomach tightening with anticipation. “Okay!”

He clung to her hand as they walked up to the front door. One of the girls answered in bare feet, her hair a tangled mess, baggy cut-offs falling off her narrow hips.

“Hi, um, I’m Kim and this is Shane. We just moved in,”

“Hey, I’m Lynn,” said the girl. “Wanna come in? My brother and sisters are watching TV.”

“Yes! Omigod, it’s been 3 days since I saw a TV.” Kim followed her inside happily, pulling Shane along by the hand.

They trooped down some stairs into a big rec room. Kim let go of Shane’s hand and introduced herself to the older girls. One of them was gonna be at her school the next year, which seemed to make Kim relieved and happy.

Shane found himself face to face with the boy. He tried to speak but his mouth felt dry.

“I’m Roy,” he said, “I’m 5 now but I’ll be 6 next month. I’m going to be in first grade next year. How old are you?”

Shane’s skin felt hot and itchy. He looked down at the ground and quietly said, “I’m 5 too.”

“You look younger than that,” Roy informed him.

“I’m...I’m going to be in kindergarten,” Shane wished he was a year older. And taller. And stronger. But most of all, he wished he could disappear into the floor.

“Well, that’s okay,” said Roy. “Maybe you’ll have a growth spurt soon.”

Shane giggled nervously. He didn’t know what a “growth spurt” was but it sounded funny to him. “Yeah.”

“Do you like _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_?”

“What’s that?”

Roy’s mouth dropped open in disbelief. “You don’t know the Ninja Turtles? Where are you FROM?”

Shane feared he might die from embarrassment. “Australia,” he said quietly.

“Well, it’s only the coolest show ever!”

“Not as cool as _Saved by the Bell_!” Nessa teased.

“WAY COOLER than _Saved By the Bell_!” Roy countered, hands on his hips. He grabbed Shane’s hand. “Come upstairs with me, I’ll show you my action figures!”

Thrilled, Shane ran up the stairs after Roy, his heart bursting with joy. He had a friend. A real live friend. Maybe this new place wasn’t so big and scary after all.

*****

The wedding happened on a Thursday in the middle of August. The sweltering, sticky heat had forced all of the kids into the Haylock’s air conditioned rec room, where they watched _The Sound of Music_. After the movie, someone (Liz would be blamed but no one could actually remember 100%, though years later, Vanessa claimed all the credit) suggested that they recreate the wedding between Maria and Captain Von Trapp.

As the oldest boy, Roy was assigned the role of the Captain. They found a blazer and bow tie for him, along with some white gloves that Lynn usually wore to church.

After some lively debate, the girls all agreed that Shane made the most sense as Maria. After all, he had the closest hair to Julie Andrews’ out of all of them, and then there was a deciding factor: he was shorter than Roy. Vanessa’s first communion dress was long enough that it dragged on the floor behind him, and a white lace table runner fastened with a flower headband made the perfect veil.

Liz played the bishop who married them, and officiated grandly, while Vanessa and Lynn held bunches of flowers and acted as the Von Trapp girls - they argued for a minute about who got to be Liesl but it was settled by a game of Ro Sham Bo. Which Lynn won, to Liz’ relief, since she'd been preparing herself for a hissyfit.

Liz instructed Shane and Roy to kneel down and hold hands while she blessed them. She recited some lines that she remembered from their aunt’s wedding and television…”We are gathered here today…” “Maria, do you take Captain Von Trapp as your husband, in sickness and health...until you die?”

Vanessa poked Shane in the back. “Say ‘I do,’” she advised.

“I do!” Shane smiled sweetly and fluttered his eyelashes at Roy.

“And do you, Captain, take Maria as your wife, in sickness and health, until you are dead?”

“Yeah, yeah,” said Roy, and Liz frowned at him but continued.

“Then I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride!” she crowed.

Roy put his hands on his hips, but before he could utter a word of protest, Vanessa mashed their faces together like a couple of Barbie dolls.

Roy wrenched his head away, wiping his mouth and exclaiming “GROSS! Kissing is GROSS, Nessa.”

Shane blinked a few times. He swore he could taste the grape kool-aid that Roy drank earlier. His tummy felt a little funny and he wasn’t sure why. “Yeah, gross,” he echoed softly.

“Just WHAT are you doing in here?!”

All of the kids spun around and looked up at Aida Haylock, halfway down the stairs, arms crossed.

“Ummm, nothing Mama. We’re just playing _Sound of Music_ ,” said Liz.

“And why is Shane in a DRESS?”

“Well...Shane is Maria, so--”

“Shane, take that off right now. Elizabeth, I am very disappointed in you. You should know better.”

Shane didn’t want to take off the dress, but shrank under Mrs. Haylock’s icy glare and began to remove it.

Mrs. Haylock threw up her hands. “Not in front of the GIRLS, Shane! Go change in the bathroom.” She shook her head and climbed back up the stairs.


	2. 1988

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Shane and Roy are a year older, a year wiser, and ready for adventure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER RATING: GENERAL AUDIENCES

It was majestic to behold. Truly. The biggest, most beautiful blanket fort anyone ever made. Shane had never been so happy. He dove inside and trailed Roy through the long, dark tunnel, holding up the weak beam of his Fisher-Price flashlight.

All of a sudden, Shane heard, “GILL! GILL, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!”

Shane froze at the sound of Mummy’s voice and looked at Roy. Mummy sounded very angry. His parents didn’t fight much, so when they did, it was a little scary.

“Coming darling!” he heard his dad’s voice, from farther away, as footsteps approached.

“What in god’s name is going on in here?!” Mum cried.

“Oh, uh, the boys are playing.”

“YES I CAN SEE THAT GILL, WHAT IS THIS HIDEOUS MESS THOUGH?!”

Shane trembled, hugging his knees. Roy took his hand and held a finger to his lips. Shane nodded.

“They built a fort. Tremendous, isn’t it?”

“WITH EVERY BLANKET IN THE HOUSE AND ALL MY LIVING ROOM FURNITURE?”

“Well...uh, you know how boys are.”

“You were supposed to be watching them, Gill!”

“I did watch them! I gave them lunch and everything. Soup and sandwiches, in case you are--”

“THE EDWARDS ARE COMING OVER FOR DINNER, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE HOUSE PRESENTABLE?!”

“Love, please calm down. I’ll help the boys clean up.”

“YOU BET YOUR ASS YOU WILL! RIGHT NOW!”

There was loud stomping as Shane’s mum left the room.

“Boys?” Gill ventured. “Sorry kiddos, time to dismantle this creation.”

Shane sniffled. He didn’t want to dismantle the fort. They had JUST finished and hadn’t even gotten the chance to play in it. Why had he wasted so much time lining up his stuffed animals on the side? He didn’t want Roy to think he was a baby so he tried very hard not to cry.

“Come on,” Roy whispered, gesturing for Shane to crawl deeper into the fort.

“Boys, I’m serious. Please come out.” Gill began to pull the blankets off and as light flooded over them, Shane burst into tears.

“I don’t think he wants to clean up,” Roy announced.

“I see. Come here, son,” Gill picked Shane up and held him in his arms. “Why are you crying, love?”

Shane hiccupped. “B-because we didn’t get the chance to play at all!” he wailed.

“I know, but wasn’t building it the fun part anyway?”

“No!”

“Okay, I’ll tell you what. What would you boys think about a real, permanent fort? We could build one outside for you.”

Shane sniffled and wiped his eyes.

“Like a treehouse?!” Roy exclaimed delightedly.

“Sure! Why not? Maybe Roy’s pop can help us too. Whaddaya think?”

Shane nodded, a small smile creeping onto his face.

“Perfect! Now you go take these toys back to your room and put them away, then come back and help me in here before your mother has another conniption.”

“Okay Daddy,” Shane said, sliding down to the ground and gathering up his animals.

Gill grabbed a stack of sofa cushions that belonged in the family room and carried them out with a wink.

“Your dad is cool,” Roy remarked, helping Shane with his animals and the blanket from his bed.

Shane smiled at Roy, his heart filling with pride.

*****

The next day, their fathers held a summit and laid out plans for the treehouse. There was a perfect spot for it in Roy’s backyard, and after they came back from the lumberyard, the plans got a little bigger. What was the point of doing it if it wasn’t going to be strong and sturdy and last for years?

First, Roy and Shane participated in the building. Very important things like fetching water and holding hammers. But after a few hours, they wandered off into the creek to catch frogs.

By Sunday afternoon, they had enough finished for Roy and Shane to actually play on it - a large platform, ladder and trap door, a railing, and an open frame.

Gill called the boys over to admire the grand looking structure. “We’re gonna wrap things up for this weekend. Next Saturday we’ll start on the roof and walls.”

Shane jumped up and down and squealed. Roy grabbed his hand and then ran over to the side of the house, where he’d collected all of the toys that he and Shane wanted to bring into the treehouse in an old laundry basket.

When Gill took a look inside the basket, he frowned. “What’s all this?”

Shane picked up a stuffed animal, “My animals, and Roy’s tea set.”

“Why on earth do you want all that?”

“It’s our house,” Roy reasoned, “We need pets. And dishes.”

Roy’s dad shook his head. “No, no, no, it’s a treehouse! You are BOYS!”

Gill grinned. “I think a trip to the toy store might be in order here.”

Shane looked at Roy and shrugged. They’d never pass up the toy store.

Two hours later, they returned, laden with pirate swords, water guns, camo gear, and a wide array of Nerf products. Roy had also wheedled a little and ended up with a bunch of new art supplies, including paint that he was gonna use to cover the house in pictures once it was finished.

Roy’s dad used the basket and some ropes to fashion a pulley system for them to get their toys up to the top, and then finally, they were left on their own to play. Roy peered through a pair of binoculars.

“I think I see Alyssa’s house!” he yelled. “Isn’t that her swing set?”

Shane tried to look too, but even on his tip toes, he wasn’t tall enough to see what Roy was pointing out. He went back to lining up his stuffed animals along the railing. “Come help me feed the animals, before they get vicious and try to eat Eddy.”

Roy laughed. His baby brother, a tiny preemie only a month old, would be a nice snack for Shane’s teddy bear.

Over the next week, the treehouse became many things - a pirate ship, a zoo, a fort, superhero lair, the headquarters for a very important, if slightly vague, secret mission.

They launched a nerf attack on Roy’s sisters (mostly Lynn), who tried to siege the treehouse in retaliation, but was felled by the big “NO GIRLS ALLOWED” sign that Roy attached to the base of the tree. After some deep peace talks, it was determined that Vanessa could come up, if she brought snacks.

Roy’s tea set, hidden beneath a pile of plastic weapons, came in quite handy to serve the Kool-Aid and cookies that Vanessa snuck up for them. After all, even Superman and Batman needed a tea break once in awhile.


	3. 1989

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, inspired by Shane’s glory as Mr. Tiny Tot, the boys make plans for a pageant in Roy’s backyard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER RATING: GENERAL AUDIENCES

Kim danced through the family room gleefully, waving around a blue piece of paper. She stood in front of the TV, blocking the screen from Shane and Roy, who squealed indignantly. “Guess who’s got her DRIVER’S LICENSE?!” she crowed.

Shane tried to match her level of enthusiasm. “That’s awesome, Kimmy!”

“I want to drive somewhere! Do you guys feel like some ice cream?”

Suddenly this driver’s license thing got a whole lot more exciting. They leapt up from the couch. “YES!” Roy cried.

Shane clapped his hands and bounced up and down.

“Mum!” Kim called, “Can I take the boys out for ice cream? I’ll be so careful and I’ll even pay myself! Please please please please!”

“Sure, darling,” Mum called nonchalantly from the kitchen.

Kim reached out for Shane, who raced over and clung to her hand. His big sister was so cool.

In the ice cream parlor, Kim proved her coolness once again by letting them order giant, sticky sundaes with all kinds of toppings. Shane and Roy twirled on tall stools while Kim chatted up the lanky boy behind the counter. The boy, Greg, handed her a flyer. “You’re so pretty, you should enter this.”

Kim’s eyes scanned the flyer. BAYOU DARLINGS BEAUTY PAGEANT was written across the top.  “Oh, I don’t think so,” she laughed. “I get stage fright.” She noticed the age brackets, and saw that they had a category for boys ages 6-12. “My brother, though...hey Shanie! Check this out! We should enter you in this pageant next month!”

She slid the flyer over to Shane, who rolled his eyes. “Pageants are silly,” he proclaimed.

“What do you mean? You won the last time!”

“Yeah, I won, and all I got was a certificate and a sash. The girl who won got a big sparkly crown.”

“You won a CAR!”

“Well, that’s what I mean. It’s silly. I don’t even drive.”

Kim shook her head. “You’re silly. You had lots of fun.”

“Yeah,” Shane admitted.

“What did you have to do?” ased Roy.

“Like, you walk around in different outfits and you make faces like this…” Shane demonstrated his pageant faces.  A big wide smile, wink, finger guns…

Roy laughed hysterically. “They gave you a car for that?”

“Well and there’s talent. I sang ‘Let’s Go Fly a Kite’ from _Mary Poppins_. Some people danced or did gymnastics or played an instrument. One girl did magic tricks.”

“I love magic! I can do magic,” Roy exclaimed.

Kim looked at the flyer some more. “I don’t think there’s a talent category in this one.”

“Well that is DUMB. That’s the most fun part!” Shane cried.

“No talent? So it’s JUST people making those crazy faces?” Roy inquired.

Shane shook his head. “I’m not gonna do that, Kimmy.”

“You know,” Roy said thoughtfully. “We could do our own. Like in the backyard.”

Shane’s eyes widened with joy. “Yes! That’s a great idea!”

Kim rolled her eyes. “You’re not gonna win a car in the backyard.”

“I don’t WANT a car! I want a CROWN!” Shane said, exasperated.

Roy cracked up. “Well then you’re gonna have to sing really well. Because my magic is astounding!”

Shane giggled and stuck out his tongue, which was full of chewed up gummy bears.

*****

Shane and Roy sat in the treehouse, grateful for the slightly overcast day which cut down on the stifling, sticky summer heat. They were making flyers for their pageant which they’d decided to call the CAMP HAYLOCK PAGEANT. Shane was writing all the information and Roy was drawing designs on the bottom because as Shane said, “you’re a much better draw-er than me.”

“I’m also a better speller,” Roy had reminded him.

Shane laughed and agreed, “Okay, you write the first one and I’ll copy it.”

They were going to have the show on Saturday in two weeks, which they thought gave everyone plenty of time to come up with talent acts. Kim, Roy’s cousin Jorge, and the other “almost grown-up” they knew from down the block, Carmen, had agreed to be judges. Latrice, Roy’s hilarious and charming 15-year-old next door neighbor and sometimes babysitter, agreed to be the Master of Ceremonies. Now they were just trying to find more contestants. Roy’s sisters had already agreed, although Shane wasn’t too sure of Lynn’s proposed talent of “throwing mud balls at a target.” Roxy was gonna do ballroom dancing. Shane was confident that they could convince Alyssa to join, although she was slightly skeptical, explaining to Shane, “Um, I do real pageants. Like for money?”

Their idea was to hand out flyers to some other neighborhood kids and call up a few classmates. Roy wasn’t worried about having enough contestants, he was more concerned with having enough people in the audience. Especially after Shane’s brilliant idea to “charge everyone watching 2 dollars each and then all that money goes to the winner!” They also decided there would be an entry fee of snacks or baked goods of some kind. Shane even convinced his mother to make Rice Krispy Treats with real marshmallows and butter rather than the sugar-free ones from the health food store.

Shane carefully copied Roy’s letters: “CAMP HAYLOCK PAGEANT! SATURDAY, JULY 24TH @ 2PM. HAYLOCK BACKYARD. SHOW OFF YOUR TALENT AND BEAUTY!!! WIN $$$!!! WIN A CROWN!!! ENTRANCE FEE: SNACKS FOR OUR AUDIENCE!!!”

Below all of this caps-y enthusiasm was a paragraph about the talent competition. Shane concentrated on making his letters small enough to give Roy room for a picture below. He glanced over and saw the stars and crowns and music notes, nodding appreciatively. “That looks great!”

“Thanks!” Roy said, and then handed him the one he’d just finished. “What do you think of this one?”

Shane looked at the picture and broke out into a huge grin. “Is that us?!” he asked hopefully.

“Yeah. See, I have a bunny and a cape because I’m doing magic. And you’re singing. And you finally get your crown.”

The blond boy in the picture had a tall tiara on his head. He held a microphone in one hand, and held hands with a brunette in a top hat and cape, holding a magic wand and a rabbit. Shane looked up at Roy, who was already drawing on the next flyer. “Can I...can I keep this one?” Shane asked in a small voice. He felt heat creep into his cheeks. He knew that meant they were red and looked down, embarrassed.

“Sure!” Roy replied, and smiled, dimples deep in his cheeks. “I’m glad you like it.” He bit his lip and concentrated again on his drawing.

*****

Shane jumped down from the treehouse ladder and ran through the Haylock’s backyard with a giddy smile on his face. “Hey Alyssa, I love your costume!”

“Thanks!” Alyssa shimmied, causing the spangles on her unitard to sparkle in the bright sun.

Shane bit back a stab of regret that his own costume wasn’t sparkly at all, but then saw Katya, the 10-year-old from 2 blocks over, stretching and nodded at her, impressed. “Great splits, Katya!”

Katya grinned up at him. “Thanks, Shaney!”

He finally spotted Roy and Liz over by the folding tables, and waved frantically. “Guys! Guys! Is the food ready?”

“Yeah, it’s ready. But Roy is being a weirdo and rearranging it again.”

“The big stuff has to go in the back! It looks better than way!”

Shane rolled his eyes. “Roy, come on. We need to let people in. I just checked the front yard and guess what? There’s an audience!” Shane bounced up and down excitedly.

“Okay, okay. Tell my mom to let people in. Is Kim still collecting tickets?”

“Yup, she’s ready!” Shane squealed and clapped his hands. “Here we go!”

*****

Shane tried to quiet his loudly thumping heart while he watched Alyssa on the stage, twirling and kicking, dancing to “Material Girl.” She was really good. Like as good as the kids Shane saw in “Annie” last Fall in the big fancy theatre in New Orleans.

The audience, made of mostly their parents and extended families, along with a few senior citizens from the neighborhood and some ladies from Shane’s mum’s garden club and Roy’s mom’s church, clapped and cheered. Shane was glad that she went first, although he worried that maybe now he wasn’t gonna be good enough.

As Alyssa struck her final pose, her sisters and one of her brothers jumped to their feet cheering for her. Latrice walked out on stage. “Let’s hear it for Alyssa, our first contestant today! She’s only 7 years old, y’all, can you believe it?! Great job, sweetie!” Alyssa curtsied one last time and left the stage, waving at the judges and blowing a kiss at Jorge.

Liz was next, singing “Oklahoma!” and Shane was surprised by how pretty her voice was, and how powerful. She was almost as loud as Roy when he screamed at Lynn from the balcony of their treehouse.

The next contestant was 11-year old Roxy, Vanessa’s best friend, who showed off some Latin ballroom moves to Gloria Estefan’s “Conga.” Her dance skills weren’t as polished as Alyssa’s, but she was very charming and had lots of energy.

Then it was time for Roy and his magic tricks. He started with an easy one, pulling a long string of scarves out of his pocket, and then set his hat on the table to bring out the big guns - card tricks. Although in the middle of the first one, he accidentally knocked the hat off of the table. “Oh, crap!” he exclaimed.

A few of the adults grumbled and Carmen frowned, making a note on his scorecard.

“Uh, I mean...shoot.” He grinned charmingly at the audience, flashing his dimples, earning some laughter. Kim chucked and made a note as well.

He got through the next two tricks uneventfully, cracking jokes when he felt like the audience was getting bored. At the end, he presented Latrice with a large bouquet of fake flowers that used to be his magic wand.

“Why thank you, young man!” she exclaimed, as he bowed and waved. “That’s Roy, everyone! Show him some love.”

“Thanks to all y’all, you’ve been a terrific audience. I mean except Mr. Carson over there who’s sleeping. Bye, sir!”

He exited, wiping his brow, and shook his head at Shane. “Was it scary?” Shane whispered.

“A little,” Roy admitted. “But I just did what Mrs. Madison told us for the Spring Sing and pictured everyone in their underpants. Which...was kind of gross so then I wasn’t scared.”

Shane laughed and turned back to the stage, where Vanessa was doing ballet to a piece from S _wan Lake._ She was really working the stage and the dramatic music was perfect for what Shane realized was their entire family’s hamminess.

Shane was up next. As the music ended, he took a deep breath. Latrice gave him a very sweet introduction and the audience clapped as he walked out onstage. His dad, who was manning the sound system (AKA Kim’s boombox), pressed play on his tape. He sang out loudly and clearly, his favorite song from _Oliver!_

_“Food, glorious food! Hot sausage with mustard!  
While we’re in the mood, cold pudding and custard!”_

He really tried to pretend that he was a starving orphan, eating nothing but gruel, day in and day out. He sang as well as he could, and at the end of his song, the audience gave him a huge round of applause that warmed him from his toes to the top of his head.

He bowed and smiled as Latrice walked back onstage, putting her arm around him. “Give it up for Shane! Our second youngest contestant. Isn’t he just precious? Thanks, Shane!!”

Shane skipped offstage and, as Katya began her gymnastics routine, ran inside to quickly change into his “outfit of choice” costume, which was a leather jacket and cuffed jeans. Liz helped him slick his hair back.

“You look cool, Shane,” Roy remarked, straightening his own outfit, a very fancy-looking suit jacket and tie, complete with a vest.

“Really? Thanks!” Shane said, blushing a little, hoping his cheeks weren’t as red as they felt. “I like your suit.”

He finished getting ready after Katya’s routine was over, halfway through Lynn’s much-anticipated “throwing mudballs” act. He and Roy snuck back out to watch the end, surprised that Lynn turned out to be such a crowd pleaser.

The last act was Justin, who was 12, singing “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.” It was a little weird but then again, so was Justin.

“Okay, thank you, Justin! That was...delightful, wasn’t it?” Latrice said. “Alright now! Who is ready to see some outfits of choice?”

Alyssa stood offstage in a delicate ballet pose, waiting for her name to be called. She walked out with poise and confidence, tossing kisses out to the audience and the judges, turning gracefully, winking and generally having a great time, in a ruffled blue and white dress.

“Man,” Roy whispered to Shane, “She looks like she’s done this a million times. Think you can beat her...Mr. Tiny Tot?”

“I dunno,” said Shane. “Maybe? I don’t know.” Shane shook his head, thinking of the huge glittering crown that his mother had found at the thrift store downtown. It was covered in red and blue stars and it was basically the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

Roy patted him on the back. “I think you can.”

The rest of the kids took their turns. The most scandalous moment came when Roxy spun around and showed everyone her underwear. Which she claimed was an accident but they matched her pink and red dress, so no one was too sure about that.

Shane pranced around, adding in a move he saw Alyssa do, and of course his finger guns. At the end, he slipped off his jacket and tossed it casually over his shoulder. Kim grinned and winked at him, writing in her notebook.

At the end, Latrice told the audience to go get food on the patio while the judges made their decisions.

Shane sat nervously at the bottom of the treehouse ladder, crumbling a cookie in his hands. Alyssa stood beside him, munching nonchalantly on a Rice Krispie treat. Roy approached them, frosting all over his face. He looked Shane up and down quizzically.

“Why do you look so scared? It’s just for fun, right?” Roy asked.

“I...I know but...I really really like that crown,” Shane admitted.

After about 15 minutes, Latrice called everyone back to their seats. The contestants lined up on stage.

The “judges” gave out a bunch of prizes, including “Best Smile” (which went to Roy and his legendary dimples), “Most Creative Talent” (that was Lynn’s), and “Best Hair” (Roxy). Alyssa looked a little peeved about that last one, but broke into a huge smile again when she won the “Best Outfit of Choice” prize. Shane was thrilled beyond measure to win the “Best Talent” and took Alyssa’s hand. One of them was probably gonna win the whole thing.

“And the winner...Ultimate Grand Supreme of the first annual Camp Haylock Pageant...is...Miss Alyssa Edwards!”

Alyssa let go of Shane’s hand and jumped up and down. The audience clapped.

Shane blinked back a tear, trying hard to keep smiling while he clapped for Alyssa. It was just a silly backyard pageant, he wasn’t sure why he was so sad about it.

“Let’s give a big round of applause to all our contestants!! Aren’t they gorgeous?!” Latrice gushed, and the crowd continued to cheer.

Afterwards, Roy followed Shane when he saw him wander back to his own yard across the street, sitting dejectedly in his tire swing.

“Don’t look so bummed out, Shane. You did great!”

Shane nodded. “Thanks.”

Alyssa and her big sister approached them a few minutes later. “Hey, Shane?”

“Hi Alyssa. Congratulations.”

“Thanks. Listen, do you...want to keep the crown?”

Shane swallowed. He DID but he didn’t win, so that wouldn’t be fair...would it?

“I mean I have a few crowns already and really, I was just in it for the cash.” She fanned herself with the money and giggled. “I think it would look good on you.”

“Um...I don’t...are you sure?” Shane’s voice was small.

“Yeah, totally.” Alyssa held the crown out to him.

He slipped off the swing and took the crown from her hands, giving her a big hug. He looked down at it, touching the stars for about the 50th time that month.

As Alyssa trotted away, Roy snickered. “Okay, well, now we know that your pouty face works really well. Let’s see what else we can get!”

Shane stuck his tongue out at Roy and put the crown on his head. “Don’t be jealous.”

Roy laughed. “What would I do with a crown?” He shook his head.


	4. 1990 & 1991

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, the boys are pranksters...and start to grow up a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER RATING: MATURE  
> CONTENT NOTES: Minors discussing sexual topics (though not engaging in sexual activities).

1990 

Years later, they couldn’t remember whether the pranks or the walkies came first. But what they both remembered, is that once they had them, the pranks seemed to come fast and furious. That is, once Shane learned enough radio code to satisfy Roy. (A constant source of exasperation was how he always forgot to say “over.”)

There was also a long debate about their handles. Finally, they decided that Roy would be “Raphael” (after the “cool but rude” Ninja Turtle) and Shane would be “Morph.” Roy thought that was dumb because he was barely even ON X-Men but Shane insisted, since “shape-shifting is the coolest power of all.”

So once that was all settled, it was time to put the walkies to good use. They focused most of their attention on Lynn, who was extra surly that winter because she’d just turned 12 and to her utter horror, was starting to grow breasts. Vanessa, well on her way to a B-cup, was no help at all because she just loved hers. She even let Shane try one of her lacy bras on, when her parents were out at the movies one night. Roy rolled his eyes and pretended not to look, slightly miffed that he wasn’t invited to play dress-up too, not that he would ever have admitted it.

Anyhow, before Christmas break was over that year, Lynn had dealt with a veritable plague - itching powder in her pajamas, paint in her shampoo, a bed full of garbage. It was winter so they couldn’t find any frogs, but that plan was definitely on the horizon. The third time Lynn flew downstairs, screaming her head off, Roy was sent to bed at 6 with no supper, but it was totally worth it. Besides, he still had his walkie so he was able to talk to Shane well into the night.

“Raphael to Morph. Over.”

“I’m here.”

Pause.

“Hello?”

“YOU HAVE TO SAY OVER! Over.”

“Sorry.”

“Shane!”

“Sorry, OVER!”

“THANK YOU! So we need to figure out how we can get her next. Should we call that boy in her class, Ryan? The one who makes her face turn all red? Over.”

“What would you say? Over.”

“Uhhh, I don’t know, that my sister has a crush on him. But I wouldn’t say who my sister is. And we could record it and play it for her and she’ll go NUTS! Over.”

“That seems a little mean. Over.”

“That’s the point! Over.”

“I mean, she’s your sister. And I guess she’s been pretty mean herself. Okay, let’s do it.”

“...OVER?”

“Over.”

It was two days later when Aida caught on fully to their dastardly scheming, and took the walkies away, to the boys’ despair. When Roy managed to wheedle his way into getting them back a few weeks later, it was with the promise that he would not be torturing his sisters any longer.

 

1991 

Shane climbed into the treehouse on a hot, muggy night in early September. Roy had already unrolled both sleeping bags, and sat on one of them, eating a bag of doritos and cracking up at the book he was reading. He snapped it shut and helped Shane up, taking the pillow from him and tossing it onto the green sleeping bag beside him.

“Dude, Roald Dahl is such a sick motherfucker.”

Shane giggled, trying to cover how embarrassed he was by Roy’s filthy language. “What are you reading?”

“ _The Witches_.”

“That one scared me a little bit,” Shane admitted.

“Ha! You wuss.”

Shane stuck his tongue out at Roy and flopped onto the sleeping bag. “I liked _The B.F.G._ ”

Roy offered him some Doritos.

He reached into the bag gratefully. “Thanks. We had like, seaweed and tofu for dinner.”

“Gross!”

“It wasn’t that bad. But I’m hungry again.”

“Your mom is so weird. Cool, but weird.”

Shane laughed. “I know.”

Roy handed over a Squeezit and a package of Hostess Snowballs, “She’d pass away from shock if she knew what you ate at my house.”

“Oh, she knows. I have homemade granola, dried apricots, and a thermos of carrot juice, to protect me from preservatives.”

Roy burst out laughing. “That is so disgusting.”

“I mean it’s not terrible. I’d just rather have a Squeezit.” He grinned.

“Who wouldn’t?! You could mix them together. Blue carrot juice.”

Shane giggled, “Now THAT sounds disgusting!” He wiped his mouth, which was now blue.

“So, uh…” Roy cleared his throat. “I sort of, brought something from my cousin.”

“Okay?” Shane bit into the snowball.

“I mean, it’s kinda...I don’t know if you’ll want to see it though.”

“What is it?”

“Um…” Roy hesitated, suddenly unsure of everything. The magazine was sort of weird. Shane was only 9. And Roy was aware of the fact that he was more excited by the idea of looking at it with Shane than the pictures themselves. “Nevermind, it’s dumb.”

“Well, now you have to show me!”

“I just...maybe when you’re a little older.”

Shane crossed his arms. “I hate it when people say that. You’re supposed to be my friend.”

“Yeah, but--”

“I’m not a baby,” Shane pouted.

“Okay, okay, fine!” Roy pulled the magazine out of his bag and threw it down in between them.

Shane looked at it, eyes bugging out. “Is that...are there gonna be naked people in there?”

Roy covered his face with his hands. “I told you you won’t want to see it.”

“Yes I do!” Shane picked it up, studying the cover. The woman on the front was nude, but all her important parts were covered by writing, mostly headlines promising “WET HORNY SLUTS!” and “TITS GALORE!” and what appeared to be an important journalistic work entitled, “Fuck Me Daddy: The Krystalle Ammber Story.”

Roy watched as Shane opened the magazine, his heart beginning to race a little bit. Shane’s face was fairly impassive as he flipped slowly through the pages. He’d periodically giggle and show something to Roy. Roy was getting increasingly uncomfortable and regretted the whole situation. Was Shane into this? What exactly was fascinating him? Why didn’t Roy have the same interest? His heart pounded and his mind raced.

There was one page that Shane stayed on for a particularly long time. A redhead lay on her back on a pile of hay bales, gingham shorts around her ankles. Her legs were spread wide open and you could see her whole pussy. Her face was partially obscured by be-ribboned pigtails and she appeared to be in the process of lifting her top, revealing enormous fake boobs. “What…” Shane began and then stopped.

“Yeah?” Roy was dying to know what Shane was thinking.

“I just wondered...it’s probably really silly, but...like...what do you think...makes a girl want to DO this?”

“Lie on a pile of hay and take off her clothes?”

“No! No, I mean--nevermind.”

“What? Sorry, maybe I’m being dumb.”

Shane swallowed. “The...the girls. The actual girls. Why do they want to take these kinds of pictures?” He closed the magazine and looked down.

“I don’t know. I mean maybe...maybe they like showing off. Or maybe...I don’t know.”

“I kind of feel bad for them.”

Relief flooded through Roy’s body. “Yeah. So I mean...you don’t think the pictures are like...I mean, did you think they were sexy?”

Shane thought for a moment. “I guess, I don’t know. I think they were interesting. But then, when I started thinking about the girls, I--” he stopped. “Did you? Think they were sexy?”

“Uh. I mean, maybe...maybe a few but...I don’t know, my cousin is always talking about how fucking hot these girls are, and I just thought I would...like it more.” Roy was grateful for his dark complexion because his cheeks were burning.

Shane nodded. “Maybe we’ll like it when we’re older.”

“Yeah. He’s 12.” Roy was grateful for this explanation, but it didn’t exactly explain why his heart thumped so loudly when Shane reached over him to grab his backpack.

“Wanna play spit?” asked Shane. “I brought cards.”

Relieved, Roy nodded and settled back against his pillow while Shane dealt.

“Poor Krystalle Ammber,” Shane said, shaking his head.

Roy burst out laughing, his heart filling with warm happiness.


	5. 1992

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, things take a dark turn for Roy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER RATING: MATURE  
> CONTENT WARNING: DISCUSSION OF DEPRESSION AND SEXUAL ABUSE

Dissociative. That’s what the therapist said he was. Roy didn’t know that word, so he looked it up when he got home. He found it under the word “dissociate” and after reading the definition, still didn’t totally understand. But what he gathered is that she was saying that he wasn’t dealing with reality.

Why should he talk about reality? No one wanted to hear about his shame, about his confusion, about his questions. All anyone wanted to hear was that there was a Bad Thing and now he was getting over it. His parents were beside themselves, especially his mother. All she kept saying over and over was, “Why didn’t you tell us?” and no one seemed to be satisfied with the half truth of his answers, “I didn’t really remember. I was confused.”

Because the truth was, even though he knew what happened was wrong, deep down, at the time it didn’t feel as bad as maybe what everyone thought. And now he felt so much shame. Why DIDN’T he say anything? What was wrong with him? How did he let months go by without confiding in anyone? Why did he feel so utterly alone?

Shane knew that something was very wrong. There were suddenly so many hushed conversations. His mother was already affectionate, but now she was hugging him and kissing him even more, asking if he was alright 7 times a day. But the most unsettling part was that Roy seemed to completely disappear. He didn’t want to hang out anymore, and when they walked home from school together, instead of dawdling along and then lingering in one of their houses, Roy would walk fast with his head down and then say a gruff goodbye, hurrying to his door. Some afternoons, he didn’t even walk home with Shane, but instead got picked up by his mother in her station wagon, and Shane knew they went somewhere because they were never home for at least an hour and a half after Shane walked into his own door.

One day in the middle of October, just as the air began to take on a chill, Shane couldn’t take it anymore. As Roy turned to race up the walkway to his front door, Shane grabbed him by the forearm and yanked him back.

“Hey!”

Roy turned slowly. “What?”

Shane opened his mouth but then he didn’t know what to say.

Roy sighed tiredly, like he was a hundred years old. “What is it, Shane?”

Shane averted his eyes and spoke softly. “How come you never want to hang out with me anymore? Are you mad at me?”

“No.”

“Well, then...are you sick? Everyone keeps whispering and I never know what they’re talking about.”

“I’m not sick.”

“Okay. So, what is it? Are you just tired of me? You don’t want to be friends?”

Roy looked up at the sky and closed his eyes. He pressed his lips together. “Something happened.”

“What? What happened?”

Roy glanced towards the house nervously. “We shouldn’t talk here. Meet me in the treehouse in 20 minutes.” He shook free of Shane’s grasp and sprinted towards his house.

*****

Shane sat on the floor of the treehouse while he waited for Roy, impatiently tapping his foot, gripping his knees so tightly that his knuckles turned white. When Roy emerged from the trap door, he slammed it shut quickly and crawled over to where Shane sat in the corner. He crossed his legs Indian-style and looked into Shane’s eyes for the first time in what felt like weeks.

“Hi,” Shane said quietly.

“Hi.” Roy broke his gaze and stared at his hands in his lap. He didn’t know where to begin.

“Are you sure you’re not dying?”

Roy looked up and saw that Shane’s green eyes were misty with tears. “I’m not dying.”

“But you’re different.”

Roy bit his lip. “I guess so, yeah.”

“What happened?”

Roy took a deep, slow breath. “Remember Coach Garrett?”

“Yeah?”

Roy looked away again. “Well, he’s...not a good guy.”

Shane furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”

“Well. Sometimes after games, he’d take some of us out for pizza or ice cream or something. And then he would drive us home. Or...or he’d just give us rides home after practice. Or...like he told my mom that I needed new cleats and that he could take me to make sure they were the right kind...”

“Okay, that sounds kind of cool.” Shane still looked confused.

“Yeah. Yeah, it was, at first. But sometimes...sometimes he would like...I don’t know. He’d sort of...touch me more than other grownups would. And like, this one day, he asked me if I’d ever driven a car before. And of course I hadn’t, so he said that he could teach me, and he’d do the pedals and I’d do the steering. Which sounded pretty awesome, actually. So I got into his lap and we drove around the parking lot by the field, and like, it was...it just felt kind of wrong. I guess.”

“Well yeah, because you’re too young to drive.”

“No, that’s not...shit. Shane, I’m trying to tell you...you know, I guess I thought that it was me. The reason it felt so weird. And after he stopped the car, I moved to get off of his lap, and he like, held me there. Like...I mean he didn’t hurt me or anything, but I just could tell that he didn’t want me to move. So I just sat there, and he started talking about how I’m a great kid, and he really likes me, and he wants me to trust him. And I didn’t really know what he was talking about, so I just nodded and said okay. And his hands were on my leg, and he had this weird expression on his face, and I--”

A cold shiver ran up Shane’s spine as something clicked in his mind.

Roy could see in Shane’s eyes that he was starting to understand. “So...yeah, that was the first time. I guess. Even though...I don’t know, part of me just thought I was crazy. And then after the next practice, he told my mom that he’d take me home. But instead of driving to my house, he took me to this place, it was like a bunch of deserted warehouses. And the whole drive, he was talking about how I have this amazing future and I’m so talented and smart and he knows I’m really special, and I deserve to be treated like I’m special. And then after he parked, he kept talking like that for a little while, and started rubbing my back with one hand, and then rubbing my leg, and then he...he bent down and he...I…”

Shane’s eyes were wide with horror and full of tears. “Were you scared?”

“Yeah, sort of. But also sort of...I don’t know. I didn’t...I mean...” Roy paused. This was the part that he’d never told anyone. The part he was afraid to say before. And now he was so scared, so ashamed, that he wanted to stop. But something about Shane’s expression told him that he could be trusted. “I mean part of it...I guess it felt a little...a little good, too.” Roy closed his eyes. That was a mistake. He was admitting that he was broken, that he was messed up, that something was deeply wrong with him. Shane was going to hate him. Shane would never want to be his friend again.

Shane leaned a little closer and whispered softly, “Can I...can I give you a hug?”

It was that, the way he asked, that put Roy over the edge. The idea that Roy would ever not want a hug from Shane was ludicrous, but him taking the time to ask anyway touched him in a way that knocked the wind out of him. Tears spilled down his cheeks and he nodded.

Shane kneeled up and wrapped his arms around Roy’s shoulders. Roy leaned his head against Shane’s slim chest, suddenly feeling more at ease than he’d felt in months. He began to cry, letting out the tears that he’d held in for so long - in front of his parents, the police, the social worker, the therapist. He clung to Shane and sobbed, the excruciating loneliness draining from his bones as Shane patted his back. A warmth began to bloom in his chest and somehow, that hurt even more.

His breath hitched as he tried to speak again. “I didn’t even tell. Someone else told. Some other kid, I don’t know who. The police came to my house and I...that’s when I told. And my mom keeps saying ‘why didn’t you say anything?’ and I don’t know what to tell her. What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing.”

Roy gasped for breath as he tried to get his sobs under control. “But why...I knew it was bad and I just kept letting him...why didn’t I--”

“Because,” Shane offered. “Just because.” He rested his cheek on top of Roy’s head.

“They keep making me talk about it over and over and I’m so...so tired of talking about it. I just want to forget it happened.”

“I’m sorry,” Shane said, “I shouldn’t have asked you--”

“No, no, it’s okay. I should have talked to you in the first place, but I thought...I felt bad. Like, why should you have to deal with my problems?”

“Because I’m your best friend.”

“Even though I’m a screwed up weirdo?”

“You’re not screwed up. You are kind of a weirdo, but you know, I am too.” Shane grinned down at him, crossing his eyes and sticking his tongue out.

Roy started to laugh and wiped his eyes.

“I think if you don’t want to talk about it, no one should make you.”

“Ugh,” Roy groaned, “Tell that to the stupid therapist my mom is making me see twice a week.”

“I will!” Shane insisted. He looked so intense about it that Roy giggled again. “I would, you know. I’d do anything for you.”

Roy sighed, and his shoulders sagged. “You’re the only one who’s not telling me what to feel.”

“Well...you can’t make yourself feel differently. That’s dumb.”

Tears began to leak from Roy’s eyes again. “I’m so tired.”

Shane rubbed his back. “Do you want to sleep?”

Roy nodded.

“Okay.” Shane leaned his head back against the wall, and Roy sighed again and laid down, his head against Shane’s thigh.

As Roy’s body began to relax, he had a twinge of guilt. Why did letting Shane stroke his back feel so good? Was he taking advantage of his friend? He sniffled and wiped his eyes on Shane’s jeans as sleep settled around him.

*****

Roy sat stiffly on the sofa in Dr. Patel’s office. She smiled at him in that cryptic, infuriating way.

“How are you today, Roy?”

“Fine.”

“Is there anything you'd like to share?”

“No.”

“Nothing at all?”

Roy sighed. “I'm really sick of talking about this shit.”

“And what shit would that be, Roy?”

Roy gritted his teeth. “You know what I'm talking about. I don't want to talk about Coach Garrett anymore. It doesn't help me.”

“Did I mention Coach Garrett?”

Roy glared at her.

“Roy, this is your time. We can talk about whatever you want. School, your friends, your family...whatever is on your mind.”

Roy crossed his arms. “Oh really? Since when?”

Dr. Patel leaned forward. “I'm sorry if you got the impression that I am trying to pressure you into talking about something. Your parents brought you here because you went through something incredibly difficult. Maybe I assumed you would want to talk about it.”

“Well I DON’T!”

“Alright.”

Roy pressed his lips together.

“Is there anything you DO want to talk about? Because if not, I can just do some paperwork.” Another annoying smile.

Roy huffed, leaning back against the cushions. “Well that's quite a racket you got.”

Dr. Patel laughed. “I suppose it is.”

“I mean I don't...really have anything to talk about.”

“Nothing, really?”

Roy hesitated. “Well. There's one thing.”

“Okay.” She sat back and looked at him.

“I don't know...if it's the kind of thing I should talk about here.”

“Why don't you try me?”

He looked up at the ceiling. “I guess I...I'm sort of in love with my best friend.”

“Is this the friend that you--”

Roy burst out into nervous laughter. “I'm kidding, I don't know why I said that. I'm not in love with him. That would be stupid.”

“Why would it be stupid?”

“Because! We're friends. Like...buds. Amigos. Anyway I don't have feelings for him.”

“Okay. I hear you. But what if you did? How would you handle that?”

Roy made a disgusted face at her. “Handle it? Like what do you mean?”

“How would you feel? What would you do?”

Roy rolled his eyes. “I'd feel idiotic. And embarrassed. And I wouldn't DO anything. He's my best friend and he's only 10.”

She nodded. “I see.”

“That's really annoying. Don't you have an opinion?”

“Sure I do.”

“Yeah, well?”

“I think you are very hard on yourself. Why do you think that is?”

“Because...I don’t know. Can we talk about something else now? How about my annoying sister Lynn?”

“Roy, listen. Like I said, we can talk about whatever you want. But in order for you to get the most out of this, it’s very important for you to know that you can trust me. I will never repeat anything you tell me in here. Even to your parents. It may not feel like it, but this is a safe place. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. So my sister Lynn is a total asshole. Yesterday, she tripped me while we were clearing the table, and then I broke two glasses and my mom got mad at ME for it…”


	6. 1993

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Roy tries valiantly to support Shane’s new obsession, and then helps him face the unintended consequences at school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER RATING: TEEN AND UP  
> CONTENT WARNING: GAY SLURS, BULLYING

In the summer of ’93, after watching “Newsies” for what seemed the hundredth time, Roy couldn’t take it anymore. He’d liked the movie since that night his mom rented it months ago and he, his sisters and Shane all sat in the living room to watch it. But Shane loved it so much that by the end of the movie he had decided he wanted to take dance lessons because he wanted to dance like the boys in the movie.

After that, the obsession had begun and he had made Roy watch that movie every single time it was his turn to choose.

He also asked his mother if he could start taking dance lessons and she agreed to look for a studio where he could go. Especially after the whole baseball fiasco a couple years ago, it was obvious that sports weren’t his strong suit -  but the arts definitely were.

“When are you starting your lessons?” Roy asked as the credits rolled.

“Next week. Why?”

“That way you’ll become obsessed with something else and we can stop watching _Newsies._ ”

“We don’t see it that much,” Shane frowned.

“We see it every time you choose the movie.”

“I just love musicals.”

“You know I do too, but if you make me see it one more time…”

“Shut up,” Shane laughed, and threw a cushion at him.

*****

The day of his first lesson, Shane and his mother arrived a few minutes early and as he changed into the respective dance attire that consisted of fitted white t-shirt, black tights and of course the ballet shoes. He felt his whole body buzzing with a mix of excitement and nerves as he stepped into the studio for the first time.

He noticed there were mostly girls in the class and only one other boy, all around his age. He didn’t care that there weren’t more boys; he was used to being around girls all the time. At school all of his friends were girls. Roy was the only exception because most of the boys in his class were kind of douchey to him.

Shane watched as two dark skinned tall women walked in and all the other kids sat down so he followed them. The taller woman smiled warmly at them and started talking.

“Hello everybody and welcome to Beyond Belief. My name is Miss Sahara Davenport and my partner is Miss Trinity K. Bonet. Beyond Belief is one of the greatest dance academies in the state. We’re very serious and dedicated about our work and we expect the same from our students. I’ll be your ballet teacher and Miss Bonet will be your jazz teacher.”

“Our classes are not only great fun but also will be very rewarding because you’ll be able to show your progress in our recital this autumn. And the best students of each class will get a solo performance so work hard and you’ll succeed.”

Shane listened to them, fascinated by the way his new teachers talked about dancing and how much passion they showed for what they did. It made him more excited to start and even more determined to be the best of the class and get that solo, he needed to prove to himself that he could do this.

“Okay students, let’s start. Today we’re going to begin with some exercises to stretch and strengthen your feet. Please sit making a circle.” All the kids followed Ms Davenport’s instructions, copying her movements. And as the lesson went on they gradually used all the different parts of their bodies from legs to arms to shoulders and head.

Then they moved to some exercises holding onto a wooden beam that Ms. Davenport told them was called a barre. First, Ms. Davenport would show them the movements and then she would walk around the class to make sure everyone was doing it the right way or to correct the mistakes.

“Good job students, that’s going to be all for today. But before you go two of our advance dancers have prepared a short presentation to show you what you could do if you apply yourselves. Please give a big round of applause to Alyssa and Jay.”

Shane smiled, happy to see a familiar face. He’d known Alyssa for years, from school and the neighborhood. During their performance he watched with wide eyes as they danced and did the pirouettes he had only seen in movies. When they finished their routine he applauded and cheered with the rest of the class.

“You’re new here,” Shane heard someone say behind him as he got ready to leave. “Hi, I’m Jay Jackson.”

“Hi, I’m Shane.” He smiled. “Is it so obvious I’m new?”

“Well yeah, since you’re the only other boy besides Jay,” answered a girl. “I’m Shangela by the way.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“So how did you decide to start dancing?” Jay asked

“I loved a movie and wanted to dance like the guys in it.”

“What movie?”

“Newsies,” he felt his cheeks burn, he didn’t know why but he felt kind of embarrassed admitting that.

“That’s one of my favorite movies too!” Shangela high fived him.

“Hi Shanie,” Alyssa joined them. “Did you like your first class?”

Shane nodded eagerly.

“By the way, I loved your presentation,” Shane said to Jay and Alyssa. “How long have you been dancing?”

“Since we were five, we started together,” Alyssa answered then they heard a car’s horn. “That’s your dad, Jay.”

“Let’s go, girls,” he said. “See you next class Shane.”

“Bye Shane!” Alyssa and Shangela said in unison and the three of them left.

He couldn’t wait to tell Roy all about his class and his new friends, a part of him still wished he could have convinced him to take the dance classes with him but he respected his decision. Roy disliked dancing as much as Shane disliked playing sports.

*****

Roy placed the book he was reading on his lap and looked at the digital watch on his wrist. Shane was thirty minutes late. This was becoming a habit for him. They were supposed to have a sleepover but there was no sign of him anywhere.

Since Shane’s dance teacher told him he would be doing a special number with Jay at their recital, Shane had been spending more and more time at the dance studio which meant that Roy barely saw him.

He was about to go back inside when Shane appeared through the trapdoor.

“I know I’m late. I’m so sorry”

“I thought you had forgotten”

“Never… I just lost track of time, I was at…”

“The dance studio, I guessed that already,” Roy grumbled.

“Are you mad at me?”

Roy sighed. “It's fine, just let me know next time.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I stayed longer practicing my pirouettes with Jay and Alyssa. They’re helping me so much. Especially Jay.”

“Really?”

“Yes gawd! He’s like a younger version of Miss Davenport. He’s so strict and wants every movement to be precise but I’ve learned a lot from him.”

Roy rolled his eyes. He was tired of listening to Shane talk about Jay and how amazing he was.

“Did you know he’s been dancing since he was five. He knows a lot. He’s sickening.”

“Sickening? What the fuck?”

“Sorry, that’s something Jay always says when something is amazing. I guess it just stuck with me.”

“It sounds stupid.”

Shane frowned. “Why don’t you like him?”

“Who says I don’t?”

“I know you, Roy. The few times you’ve seen him you have been quite mean to him. But you’re always super nice to Alyssa and Shangie.”

“Well, the girls are a hoot and he’s an annoying twat.”

“He’s really nice; you just need to get to know him and you’ll become friends.”

“I doubt it. I can’t stand his loud, high pitched voice.”

“Give him a chance. Please?” Shane batted his lashes at him and pouted a bit. “It would be nice if my best friend and dance partner could stand each other.”

He never stood a chance against Shane’s green eyes and pouty lips. He looked adorable and Roy hated himself a little for thinking that way. Shane only wanted his friends to get along and there he was, only being able to think about how cute Shane was. What was wrong with him?

Roy sighed. “Fine, but I can’t make any promises.”

Shane smiled and hugged him. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

 

*****

It was the day of the recital and Shane was pacing backstage trying to calm his nerves. He didn’t know why he was so nervous; he had already danced in the first group number and everything turned out great but now that he was waiting for the other numbers to finish he could feel knots forming in his stomach.  

He peeked from behind the curtains and saw his parents sitting in the front row along with Roy, while Roy’s family sat in the row behind.

Roy noticed him and sent him a bright smile, flashing his dimples and a thumbs up, making him feel a little bit calmer.

He sent him a shaky smile as he felt a hand on his shoulder and heard Jay’s voice. “We’re next. Are you ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Shane said. He hoped his nerves would disappear the second he was back on the stage.

“You’ll be amazing, Shane. Trust me, you can practically do this in your sleep.” Jay hugged him and said, “Let’s wow them!” then rushed to the other side of the stage to wait for their cue.

They got to their places, crouching behind their boxes as the presenter announced their number and Shane felt the knots in his stomach tighten again. The curtain was drawn open and the music started.

Roy saw Shane appear from behind a box, his stage smile already on his face and he sent him an encouraging one hoping that it’d calm his friend’s nerves. Shane’s parents and Roy’s sisters cheered loudly and he saw Shane’s nervousness fade away as a confident smile appeared while the choreography progressed.

Roy thought Shane looked cute, beautiful even. His movements fluid and graceful as he danced around the stage. To Roy he looked like a pro, his movements so elegant and effortless. He couldn’t believe Shane had only been dancing for a few months because to him it looked like the boy had been doing this all his life.

Suddenly Shane was sliding down until he was hiding behind the box again and everyone erupted in applause, getting to their feet cheering loudly again. Was it already over? It felt so short, but Roy stood up too and clapped, beaming at his friend as they appeared again, walked to the front of the stage and taking a bow before the curtains closed again.

A couple minutes later they heard the presenter’s voice again, this time announcing _“a breathtaking performance from this year’s winners of Seattle’s International Dance Festival, Alyssa Edwards and Jay Jackson.”_

When their special performance finished and the presenter announced the end of the recital, Roy didn’t wait for anyone and rushed backstage to find Shane. He looked around and found him surrounded by the other dancers, all smiles as the other girls congratulated him. A few seconds later Shane noticed him and excused himself as he made his way to where Roy was and Roy hugged him when he reached him. Roy’s arms slid around Shane’s waist, hugging him tightly as he whispered in his friend’s ear, “That was amazing. You were amazing, Shane”

They stayed like that for a little while and they were so immersed in their own little world that they didn’t notice someone’s gaze fall on them and that person’s eyes narrowing the longer they hugged.

He shook his head, ducking behind the wings to go find the rest of his family, muttering to himself, disgusted by those two and the sick feeling he got inside seeing the way they held onto each other.

“Shanie, baby.”

Shane and Roy broke apart when they heard the voice of Shane’s mom. The big grin on Shane’s face getting even bigger as more and more people congratulated him and told him how good his performance was. He looked so proud and Roy couldn’t have been happier for him. And then he was especially happy when Annette, Shane’s mom, announced that she was lifting her usual ban on junk food and letting them all join the Edwards’ at the ice cream place down the block for celebratory sundaes.

*****

On Monday after school, Shane chatted with Alyssa on their way to the bike racks. He dawdled a little while he waited for Roy. The Junior High was 3 blocks away and Roy always, without fail, rode by to accompany Shane home. It sucked being in different school this year, but they were handling it pretty well.

Shane noticed when he spotted Roy that he wasn’t alone. Jared and Logan, two of Alyssa’s brothers, were practically on his tail. Shane had always been a little nervous around those boys. They were big and rough and a sort of scary.

Shane waved to Roy and hopped on his bike, riding towards him.

“Hey, Jenek!” yelled Logan.

Shane stopped his bike and turned around slowly.

“We saw you on Saturday, dancing with our sister. What the fuck, dude?”

Shane’s cheeks began to heat up. He didn’t know where this was headed, but he knew it was nowhere good. Roy bristled beside him. “So what, Logan? Who gives a shit about what he does?”

“I mean, I don’t, except I don’t really get it. Why do you want to dance with a bunch of girls? Are you a fucking faggot or something?”

Roy rode up to Logan. “Leave him alone, or I’ll knock your goddamn lights out!”

Logan, who had 25 pounds on Roy, looked him up and down. “Oh yeah? You’re gonna defend your little boyfriend?”

Jared was hanging back, but at this he laughed. He was in 8th grade, one year older than Roy and Logan, and even bigger than his brother.

Logan took a step closer, looking down at him with disdain “What are you gonna do, Haylock?”

Roy gulped, all of a sudden he didn’t feel so brave.

“I said, what are you gonna do about it, faggot?”

“FUCK YOU LOGAN!” Roy yelled.

Logan’s eye narrowed as he gripped his shirt, ready to hit him when Shane yelled, “Principal Andrews!”

Logan let Roy go, turning around as Roy said, “Shane, GO!”

They rode their bikes home as fast as they could, speed the one thing on their side as they tried to escape from the dickhead Edwards boys. The last thing they saw was their furious faces after they realized they had been played.

Finally, after the longest 5 minutes of Shane’s life, they reached his house, throwing their bikes behind the gate and racing into the house through the kitchen, gasping for air.

“Jesus, that was...fuck,” Roy breathed.

Adrenaline fading, the impact of the exchange started to hit Shane for the first time. He looked at Roy, tears beginning to fall from his eyes. “Why...why would he say that?”

Roy put an arm around his shoulders. “Because he’s an asshole. That’s why.”

“But...but I’m not. I’m not a faggot. I’m NOT!” Shane covered his face with his hands and broke down, sobbing.

Roy heaved a sigh and put his arms around Shane, holding him close, letting him cry on his shoulder. “I know you’re not.” He rubbed Shane’s back, shame burning his cheeks, holding back tears of his own, tears that he knew were there for an entirely different reason. He knew how he felt, and it was fairly obvious that, despite the occasional glimmer of hope, Shane didn’t feel the same way.

“Boys?” Annette walked through the door to the kitchen. “What’s going on?”

Roy leapt away from Shane guiltily, and said, “Nothing! I mean...um…”

Shane wiped his eyes. “A kid at school was a jerk today, that’s all.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, love! Who was it? Should I have a chat with their mother?”

“N-no. That’s...probably not gonna help. I’m fine, I just…” Shane’s breath hitched.

“I should probably go,” Roy said, and started to leave, his head down.

“Wait, Roy!” Shane followed him.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you,” Shane said, giving him another quick hug.

“Yeah, of course…” Roy mumbled, suddenly feeling embarrassed and weird. “See you tomorrow.”


	7. 1994 (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this next part, some long-repressed feelings get revealed, and the results are both wonderful and awful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: MATURE  
> WARNING: UNDERAGE SEXUAL ACTIVITY

It was late in July, after Roy turned 13, that everything changed forever. He still, deep inside, harbored those feelings for Shane. Those “more than a friend” feelings that made him ashamed and disgusted with himself. How could he feel this way about his best friend? Why did stupid hormones have to ruin everything? And lately they’d gotten so much worse. Because now every time they were together, Roy was hyper-aware of Shane’s body. When he’d accidentally press against him reaching over to grab something…when he would get excited and throw his arms around Roy’s shoulders…even when he would kick him under the table for saying something offensive. Roy was in hell. He could smell the pheromones on his own body and he worried that Shane could, too.

One afternoon, they lounged languidly on the floor in the treehouse, the trees at least providing some relief from the stifling heat of the late afternoon. Shane lazily flipped pages in a magazine, reading Roy snippets of articles about movies or TV. 

Roy groaned. “It’s awful out here. Why don’t we go inside?”

“My mum said we should stay and play out here until dinner.”

“Play? Your mom treats you like you’re 4, you know.”

Shane punched Roy playfully in the arm, and Roy shoved him back, grinning. “Oh, really?” Shane challenged, and started tickling Roy. The contact was almost unbearable and Roy tried pushing him away. They quickly got into a sort of friendly wrestling match, struggling for dominance. Finally, Roy managed to pin Shane to the floorboards. 

He hovered over him, breathing hard, sitting on his thighs and holding his wrists above his head. Shane looked up at him, still with that challenging smirk on his face. God, when did he get so  _cute_? Impulsively, Roy leaned down and kissed him, pressing their lips together, rubbing his thumb against the soft skin of Shane’s wrist. It was, all things considered, a rather chaste kiss, but nonetheless, Roy guiltily pulled away after a second to look at his friend and assess the damage.

Shane looked shocked. His chest heaved. “Roy, what are you–”

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, that was dumb, I’m an idiot,” Roy released Shane from his grasp and rolled away, putting his head in his hands. “I don’t know why I did that. I’m so sorry.”

Shane nodded and swallowed hard. “I…think I’m gonna go back inside.” His stomach was doing somersaults. “See if my mum needs any help finishing dinner.”

“Okay,” Roy said softly, still avoiding eye contact.

Shane lifted the trap door and started to climb down the ladder. He paused for a moment. “Hey, Roy?”

Roy lifted his head and looked mournfully into Shane’s eyes. “I’m really sorry, Shane.” 

Shane opened his mouth to speak but no words made sense. His feelings were jumbled up in a confusing ball. “Uh…nothing, I…I’ll see you.”

As he disappeared from sight, Roy flopped back against the floor and sighed, filled with self loathing. Why did he do that? Why did he have to fuck everything up?

*****

The next day, Roy woke up with a nagging emptiness. He slowly got himself out of bed and dressed for the day, barely touching his eggs at breakfast.

“What crawled up your butt?” Lynn asked, and Roy flashed her a dirty look.

He pushed his chair up from the table, carrying his plate to the sink and mumbling that he was going out. 

He knocked on Shane’s door, shifting his weight nervously from foot to foot. When he asked to speak to Shane, Annette told him that he was still in bed. Roy knew that was next to impossible. Shane had always been the one to spring out of bed at the crack of dawn, while Roy would sleep until noon if no one banged on his door yelling that breakfast was ready.

He hung his head. “Can you tell him…I’m sorry? When he wakes up?”

Annette looked at him curiously, tilting her head in concern. “Did you boys get in a fight? He was in a very strange mood yesterday.”

Roy nodded, swallowing back tears. “Yes, ma’am. Please tell him I was wrong. And I’m really, really sorry.”

Annette pulled Roy in for a big, warm hug. “Alright darling, I promise I’ll tell him. And don’t worry. Shane can’t stay angry with you. He adores you too much.”

Roy struggled not to cry in her arms, and after a few more moments, he detangled himself and said, “Okay, well, thank you.”

He trudged back across the street, and once he got to his bedroom, he flung himself down and hugged a pillow tightly to his chest.

*****

Shane lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. His mind had not stopped reeling since yesterday. He was desperate to talk to Roy, but terrified. 

Roy had been his best friend for as far back as he could remember. To Shane, Roy was the person in his life that he could always count on, no matter what. He always just sort of thought that the deep, heart-bursting love he felt for Roy was a normal part of being best friends. And then Roy kissed him.

Shane couldn’t wrap his mind around it. There was no doubt that Roy was his favorite person on the planet, but he had never thought about him like…he tried to think back. Shane had noticed that they seem to hug each other more than other boys. He remembered the way Roy held him after Logan called him a “faggot” last year. Or how sometimes, if they were watching a movie, he would rest his head on Roy’s shoulder. Was that…not a normal thing for friends to do? 

Shane thought about the kiss itself. Roy’s lips were soft and full and gentle. His thumb had stroked Shane’s left wrist, almost imperceptibly. Shane touched his wrist where Roy had. That feeling was back, that sick, slightly tingly feeling that Shane didn’t know how to process.

He tried taking a deep breath. He knew that he’d put things off long enough, and sat up, trying to figure out what he was going to say to his friend.

*****

Roy dozed fitfully, tossing around on top of his covers, tangled up in them. He bolted up at the sound of a timid knock on his door. That could only be one person. Everyone in his family would have banged violently, or not knocked at all.

“Come in,” he said.

Shane entered the room and shut the door behind him. “Hi.”

“Shane, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m–”

Shane closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Are you sorry because of how I reacted? Or…are you sorry because you regret it?”

“I’m sorry because…I feel like I broke some kind of trust and I really…want you to trust me. You’re my best friend.” His cheeks were burning hot. Did he regret it? Not really? Not unless…they can’t get past it.

“But do you regret it?” Shane’s green eyes were wide and soft. Inscrutable. 

Roy cleared his throat, fidgeting madly. “I…Shane, please. I’m just sorry.”

Shane looked into his face intently. There was something fearful and crushed about the look in his eyes. He walked towards the bed and sat down. In a small, hopeful voice, he said, “I don’t think I want you to be sorry.”

Roy’s heart leapt into his throat. Shane lifted his hand and slowly, with the back of his fingers, touched Roy’s cheek. He leaned in and brushed his lips against Roy’s.

This kiss was very different from the last one. This kiss was slow, deliberate. Roy was almost afraid to move but then he finally put his hands on Shane’s waist and pulled him in closer. They explored each other’s mouths. Shane licked softly at Roy’s lips and Roy parted his mouth, letting his tongue inside. Roy could taste the orange juice Shane just drank as Shane rubbed their tongues together. Stars exploded behind his eyes and his breathing became shallow. He put everything he’d ever felt for Shane into that kiss…every guilty thought, every passing whim, the deep love that had grown between them over the years, and that would never be broken.

Slightly dazed, Shane leaned his forehead against Roy’s. He was out of breath, clutching Roy’s shirt by the scruff. Roy gazed at him with wonder. “You…really want this?”

Shane nodded and breathed in slowly. Roy wrapped him up in a hug, and Shane buried his face into his thick hair. They stayed that way for a while, holding each other tightly, listening to their heartbeats. When Roy lifted his head to look at Shane, he saw that there were tears on his cheeks. 

Roy kissed his cheeks , cradling his face. Shane smiled at him and pulled him in for another kiss while he threaded his hands into Roy’s hair. This one was deep and passionate, and Roy could feel the blood surging through his veins. 

Shane whimpered slightly against his mouth and crawled in closer, straddling him on the bed, gripping his hair. Roy’s hands slid into the pockets of his shorts, cupping his butt. When Shane ground down into Roy’s crotch, he felt sparks shooting through him again, and started to get lightheaded.

It was at that moment when Roy’s bedroom door flew open and Aida burst in, shrieking loudly at the sight of them. Shane gasped and cowered against Roy, who felt a surge of guilt that his first instinct was to push Shane away from him. Instead he held him tighter. “Mom–”

“DON’T SAY A WORD!” Aida lunged forward and grasped Shane by the upper arm, dragging him off the bed and out the door. Roy got up to follow but the withering glare from his mother made him shrink back guiltily.

*****

Aida pounded on the door angrily. When Annette answered, Aida yelled, “Do you know where I found your son?!”

She let go of his arm as Shane hurried inside, behind his mother. “Shane, love, please go to your room so that Mrs. Haylock and I can speak.”

Shane nodded miserably and left the entryway. 

“So what’s the problem, Aida? What did he do?”

“I found your son climbing on top of my boy, kissing him!”

“Clothed?”

“Yes, clothed! Thank GOD! But who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t interrupted. They were kissing IN ROY’S BED!”

“And you’re surprised by this? You’ve never noticed the way they look at each other?” Annette asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Do you have any idea what Roy has been through in the last few years?! He doesn’t need anyone confusing him any more!”

“Aida, with all due respect, I doubt this was all Shane’s idea. And as long as they keep their pants on, I really don’t see the issue–”

“I cannot believe what I’m hearing! They are CHILDREN!” Aida screeched.

“Exactly! They are probably just curious and–”

“That attitude is exactly why Shane thinks it’s okay to do what he did. I don’t care what you think. I will not let Roy be taken advantage of to satisfy his ‘curiosity.’ Tell him to stay away. I have to protect my son.”

“And you think keeping them apart from each other will do that?”

“YES! Yes, I do, and you don’t have to agree with me but you will respect that decision,” Aida turned on her heel and stomped back across the street.

Annette sighed tiredly and closed the door. She rounded the corner and found Shane sitting on the floor, hugging his knees, tears streaking down his face. She knelt down in front of him.

“I don’t–I’m sorry, mum, but I–I love him!” he sobbed.

“Shh, darling it’s alright. I know.”

“I think maybe..maybe he loves me too.”

“Well of course he does, love. Of course he does. How could he not?” She gathered him into her arms and held him, letting him cry against her chest.

*****

Shane’s parents made a decision that night. Gill had been weighing a great job offer in California and they thought that the change of scenery would do the whole family good. 

They told Shane the next morning, and he broke down in hysterics. Annette held him again and told him that California would be exciting and new and maybe he would make friends he loved even more than his friends in Louisiana. He and Roy could still write to each other, and maybe someday, if they stay in touch, they could have another chance. 

That night, Roy sat at his window, staring out miserably. Suddenly he saw a dim figure moving, and he realized that Shane was climbing out his window and down the tree beside his house. He held his breath, praying that he wouldn’t fall. Shane dashed across the street and climbed the trellis on the side of Roy’s house. Roy stepped out his window onto the roof and grabbed his hand when he got to the top, pulling him up.

They sat down beside each other. Roy held out his hand and Shane clutched it. 

“I missed you,” Roy whispered.

Shane nodded, fighting back tears. “Roy, I have…I have bad news.”

Roy’s heart sped up. “Worse…than that we can’t see each other? Except in secret?”

Shane nodded again, struggling not to cry. “My parents…well my dad…he took a new job. In California. And we…we’re gonna be moving.” The tears then spilled down his cheeks.

Roy’s blood turned to ice. “You’re moving? Across the whole country?”

Shane cried, pressing his face into Roy’s neck. “I hate them, I hate all of our parents. I don’t want to go.”

Roy was flooded with feelings of guilt and anger. He hated himself more than he ever had. Why the fuck did he kiss Shane in the first place? Maybe if he had more self control, everything would be fine now. His mother wouldn’t have freaked out, they wouldn’t have to sneak around, and he and Shane could have gone on spending every day together. His stupid need for physical contact ruined everything. He wrapped his arms around Shane and kissed his hair.

Shane lifted his face and looked at Roy woefully. He leaned in and kissed him, a desperate anxiety-filled kiss, like it was the last one they would ever have. 

Roy kissed Shane back, feeling tears on his own cheeks now too. They had seen each other nearly every day since they were 5 years old. How were they supposed to get through school without each other? Last year was bad enough, with Shane in sixth grade and Roy in the junior high several blocks away. Who would help Shane when he was struggling with math? Who would defend him when some punk kids tried to pick on him? Who would calm Roy down and make him laugh after he fought with Lynn? Why was everything awful?

“I love you, Roy. I love you so much. I will never stop loving you, no matter where I live or what I am doing. Do you…do you love me, too?”

Roy nodded, too overcome to speak. He nuzzled the side of Shane’s face, sobs wracking his body.

“I will love you forever,” Shane whispered.

Roy couldn’t seem to get enough oxygen. His heart pounded so fast, he could feel it hammering in his ears. How would he exist without Shane? How would he go on? Shane knew things about him that he had never told anyone else. And he still loved him. He would never find that again. It felt like his entire world was coming crashing down.

Shane rubbed his back, his own pain forgotten as he rocked Roy against him. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeated into Roy’s ear. 

They stayed there together for hours, holding each other, talking about everything and nothing. When the first rays of sunlight started filtering through the trees, Shane lifted his head from Roy’s shoulder and rubbed his eyes. Both of them were slightly damp with dew, and despite the night air being warm, Shane still shivered a little.

“Don’t say it, I know you have to go,” Roy whispered hoarsely.

“I don’t want you to get in trouble,” Shane said.

Roy nodded. “Come back again tonight. Or even better, let’s meet in the treehouse. I’ll call you on the walkie when it’s clear.”

“Okay,” Shane smiled, “I knew those things were gonna be good for something besides torturing Lynn and Vanessa.”

“Check the batteries when you get home,” Roy advised.

Shane nodded, leaning over to kiss Roy on the cheek one last time, then he slowly and carefully climbed back down. Roy waited until he was safely inside his bedroom before he crawled over to his own window.


	8. 1994 (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hormones are raging in the Treehouse of Denial…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: Mature  
> WARNING: Underage sexual activity

Roy spent most of the day in bed, miserable and lonely. He refused to go downstairs for breakfast, or lunch, and finally around 6, Aida threw open his door and called, “Enough! No more self pity! You will eat dinner with the family and you will smile and you will talk to us, and that is THAT.”

She yanked back Roy’s covers and he whimpered pitifully. “Leave me alone! This is all your fault!” He curled into a tight ball.

Aida sighed and sat beside him on the bed. “You are barely 13, Roy. I’m sorry that you feel bad right now, but I am not going to stop trying to protect you. I…” she choked back tears, “I didn’t protect you 2 years ago, and I will never forgive myself for that. I’m not going to make the same mistake again.” She gently laid a hand on his forehead.

“It’s not the same!” Roy wailed.

“No, but it’s…similar. You are too young for this. I’m sorry, mijo. I’m sorry you are sad but you’ll see, it’s much better this way.”

Roy covered his head with a pillow and pressed it against his ears. Aida took her hand away and, with one more glance back towards her son, left the room, closing the door gently behind her.

*****

“Coast is clear. Over,” Roy said into his walkie. He prayed that Shane had it nearby.

_“10-4, coming.”_

Roy waited a beat.

_“…Over.”_

Roy smiled. He went about arranging everything from his duffel bag - the sleeping bags, unfolded and spread out on the floor, pillows that he fluffed up since they’d been crushed, some sodas and chips he’d stolen from the cupboard after everyone went to sleep. 

His heart lurched a few minutes later upon seeing that blonde head appear over the trap door. Shane crawled up into the treehouse and tossed a large backpack to the floor. He then launched himself at Roy, kissing him almost violently, lying down beside him on top of the sleeping bags, clutching Roy’s shirt. Roy started to feel that pressure build up in his abdomen again and arched towards him. His hands were tight around Shane’s hips and soon he was breathless and dizzy again. He pulled back a little to stare into Shane’s green eyes, which were dark and shining in the moonlight.

“Hey,” Roy breathed.

“Hi,” Shane giggled softly.

Roy grinned, running his hands through Shane’s silky blonde hair. “You are so. Fucking. Cute.”

Shane bit his lip and slid a hand up Roy’s chest to poke gently at his dimples. Roy caught his fingers and kissed them. “You’re the cutest,” he countered, eyes glittering.

Roy kissed the top of his head. “Let’s get under the covers. You must be tired. We barely slept last night, and I know you can’t sleep during the day.”

Shane let Roy pull the top sleeping bag down and around their bodies, and watched him set the portable alarm clock. Shane drew Roy back against him, snuggling tightly against his warm body.

Roy held him that way all night, sleeping more soundly than he had in years. When the alarm went off at 5 am, Shane slapped it off and roused Roy gently. Roy groaned.

“I know. Me too,” Shane said.

“I don’t want to let go.”

“Me neither.” Shane pressed his face into Roy’s chest. “Let’s meet again tonight, yeah?”

“You bet.”

*****

They somehow found a way to slog through the days apart, living completely for the nights when they could be together, folded into each other’s arms, pretending that Shane wasn’t leaving and that they’d be like this forever. They would cuddle close, sometimes kissing but mostly just clinging desperately to each other under the thick sleeping bag.

One night, as they kissed lazily under a bright, full moon, Roy could feel Shane pressing closer against him than he had before. He could feel…well he was pretty sure he knew what he was feeling, and suddenly all the blood rushed from his head and the only thing he was aware of was Shane’s slender body against his, Shane’s mouth on his neck, finding the spot that made him want to cry out.

His breath came faster, his heart sped up, and he felt tingly all the way down to his toes. He knew what was coming and it made him feel both exhilarated and embarrassed at the same time. Very slowly and very gently, he laid Shane onto his back, careful to keep his own body in the same position. Shane moaned softly against his skin, pulling Roy’s hips, encouraging him to roll over on top of him. Roy’s heart pounded as he acquiesced. Roy laid atop Shane, not pressing down but instead relying solely on gravity to create the delicious pressure he craved. And then Shane started pumping his hips up and Roy nearly lost it immediately.

Roy almost wanted to stop him. Was this wrong? Shane was younger than him and Roy didn’t want to take advantage of him. On the other hand, his urgent movements were the sign of someone who knew what they wanted. So Roy gave in, letting Shane thrust against him, pressing down into him, sucking on his bottom lip as they rutted against each other. 

It was the scent that did it more than anything. Roy started to smell that distinctly masculine, musky scent that could only mean one thing. They humped each other ardently, faster now, Shane whimpering into Roy’s mouth, clutching his ass to increase the resistance. 

Roy panted, gulping for air as he rubbed frantically against Shane, both of them so close to release that they could almost taste it. When he finally came into his underpants, the wetness spreading, he could feel Shane’s body go slack. 

For a minute they lay sandwiched together, Roy’s face pressed into the pillow and Shane’s hands stroking his back in slow, languid circles.

Roy lifted his head up, looking at Shane’s face. Shane had a sleepy smile; his eyes were half-closed. Roy touched his chin, ran a finger along his mouth. “You okay?” Roy inquired seriously, and Shane giggled in response. 

“Mmm-hmm. Why haven’t we been doing that all week?” Shane murmured happily. He took Roy’s finger and began to suck on it. 

Roy chuckled wryly. “Because I’ve been jerking off like 3 times a day so that when I come here, I can behave myself.”

“Ugh, me too. At least that,” Shane laughed. “I’m like, having some issues. Sort of…like it’s starting to hurt a little.”

“What are you using to…you know?”

“Using? My hand.” Shane’s brow wrinkled in confusion.

“No, I mean. Uh…like…don’t you have something…I mean I stole some lotion from my sisters’ bathroom.” Roy’s face burned with embarrassment. This conversation was so awkward, and it didn’t help that Shane was looking at him with big Bambi eyes.

“Ohhh, you mean…” Shane’s eyes dawned with understanding, “I haven’t been using anything. I guess I should be? God, I feel like an idiot.” He buried his face in his hands, ears getting red.

Roy rubbed his shoulders. “No, you’re not. But trust me, um, it’ll help.” He smiled sheepishly, then started pulling at his sticky underwear with his free hand. “I’m the idiot. I really should have brought some extra underwear.” 

Shane grinned wickedly and pulled a plastic box off of the built-in shelves. “I put this in here a few months ago. You know, in case I had a…dream or something…” He opened the container and handed Roy a pair of underwear: white briefs with Snoopy on them. He took out a pair for himself next.

“How come you get X-Men and I’m stuck with Snoopy?”

Shane snickered. “Because you look just like a sweet little puppy,” he mocked, kissing Roy’s face. He then stood up, quickly sliding his bottoms off and replacing them with the blue X-Men undies. Roy breathed in sharply at the flash of ass that he glimpsed, though he’d tried to look away, really. 

When Shane climbed into the treehouse on the following day, Roy smiled knowingly at him. “So how’d you do today?”

Shane blushed, “I…found some baby oil.”

Roy pulled Shane into his lap. “So, no chafing anymore?” He kissed the tip of his nose.

Shane shook his head. 

“I re-stocked our underwear supply,” Roy announced, kissing Shane’s neck, earning a soft moan. Shane twisted around, moving one leg so that he was straddling Roy’s lap.

“Well, that’s good,” Shane murmured, lightly fingering the shells of Roy’s ears. 

Roy felt himself getting hard already. “Fuck,” he whispered. “Sorry.”

Shane leaned in to kiss him. “Don’t be sorry.” His tongue plunged into Roy’s mouth as Roy arched up against him, straining for friction. Shane wrapped his legs around Roy’s waist, locking his ankles and drawing Roy impossibly close, lifting his head to look into Roy’s brown eyes as he rubbed against him vigorously. He was hard now, too, and began to move a little faster.

Roy panted and whimpered, gripping Shane’s waist, letting him control the rhythm although Roy was desperate to speed up even more. “Oh god, oh god,” he breathed. As Shane picked up the pace, finally, the pressure inside of him kept building and building, but no release happened like yesterday. He groaned and thrusted against Shane frantically. 

Gripping Roy’s shoulder with one hand, Shane felt himself close to the edge and closed his eyes, moaning as he came in his pajama pants. He moved so that his ass was grinding hard against Roy’s crotch, and began stroking the back of his neck. He watched Roy’s face carefully. He looked sort of like he was in pain. “Are you okay?” Shane asked timidly.

“Shane, I…” Roy gasped for air, “Fuck, I think I need…I need…oh god, I’m sorry.”

“What?”

Roy shook his head miserably. “I need to…” He moved his hand from Shane’s waist to the front of his sweatpants, ashamed. “I’m so sorry.”

Shane stroked his thigh. “Don’t be sorry.”

Roy slipped a hand into his pants and then paused. “Can you please…please don’t look at me.”

Shane nodded, moving away from him, a little disappointed. He kind of wanted to watch. But that didn’t seem to be in the cards tonight. He could hear Roy pumping himself faster and faster. He closed his eyes, trying to hold his breath, willing himself not to turn back around.

With a final breathy moan, Roy finished. Shane took a deep breath and, still facing away from him, pulled a package of handi-wipes out of his backpack, keeping one for himself, and tossed them back over his shoulder. “Thanks,” Roy panted.

After cleaning himself up and changing his underwear, Shane bit his lip. “Can I turn around now?”

“One sec…” Roy slid on a clean pair of underwear and got under the sleeping bag. “Okay. Sorry.”

Shane turned around, took in Roy’s flushed cheeks, his bright eyes. He crawled toward him and kissed him softly. “I said don’t be sorry. It was…um…kind of…exciting?” Shane’s own cheeks blushed a deep red. 

Roy widened his eyes. “Really?!”

“Yeah.”

“I figured you’d be…I don’t know, like, grossed out, or something.”

Shane giggled and shook his head, climbing under the covers with him. “No, definitely not. Maybe next time you’ll let me watch.” His eyes flashed wickedly at Roy as he snuggled against him.


	9. 1994 (Part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit’s gettin’ real, yo…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: Mature

The next day, Roy waited longer than usual for Shane. Just as he was starting to worry, he heard footsteps on the ladder. Shane’s face appeared above the trap door. His eyes were rimmed with red, and it was clear he’d been crying. They’d been living in such denial that Roy realized it actually surprised him to see Shane like that. He reached for him and helped him inside.

“What’s wrong?”

“Um…” Shane sniffed tearfully and that’s when Roy noticed the cut on his leg, a big scrape that was bleeding slightly.

“Oh shit, Shane!” Roy grabbed the package of handi-wipes and pulled one out. “Let me clean that up. What happened?”

“Oh, this? I guess…I guess I tripped running across the street.” He settled against the pillows as Roy dabbed gingerly at his leg with the wipe.

Roy looked up at him. He knew Shane couldn’t possibly be crying about his leg. Despite his delicate appearance, Shane had a ridiculously high tolerance for pain. Roy still remembered when he broke his wrist trying to do a trick on his bike, and all he did was grit his teeth, calmly walk inside and tell his mother that he “heard something crack, so maybe we should go to a doctor.” 

Roy finished cleaning all of the dirt and blood, kissing it for good measure, which caused tears to start pouring from Shane’s eyes, his face contorted in misery. Roy took his hands.

“Shane…please talk to me. Why are you crying?” Still holding Shane’s hands, Roy lifted them up and used the back of his fingers to brush Shane’s tears away.

“I…I talked to my parents at dinner. And they…we’re…” Shane stopped. Roy could feel the color drain from his face. He knew whatever was coming would be bad. Very bad. He braced himself. “The movers are coming next Friday and then we’re leaving on Saturday.”

Roy shook his head. “But…your house is not even…they just put up the ‘For Sale’ sign yesterday.”

Shane gripped Roy’s hands tightly, his breath hitching. “I know! I don’t…I don’t know why it’s happening this quickly. My dad…he said they want him to start as soon as possible, and I just…it’s…it’s t-too fast.”

Shane gasped for air and Roy gathered him into his arms. He felt like breaking down, but also knew that it wouldn’t be fair to Shane. Shane was going through exactly the same thing he was, only he was also moving and having to leave everything he’d known and all his friends and start over in an entirely new place. Roy wrapped them both in the sleeping bag and cuddled him close.

He held him, letting him cry until he was wrung dry and exhausted. When they finally fell asleep, it felt like they only had a few minutes before the alarm started ringing loudly. Roy slapped it off violently and turned to Shane, who’s eyes were still red.

“Don’t leave yet,” he whispered.

Shane let his head drop to Roy’s chest. “But what if someone in your family wakes up and sees that you’re gone?”

“I don’t care,” Roy stated, clasping his hands around Shane’s waist.

“But…what if your mom finds out and makes it impossible for us to meet anymore? We have less than a week, and if I can’t see you–” fresh tears started falling from Shane’s eyes, wetting Roy’s t-shirt.

Roy hugged him. “Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry, I just…I don’t want to let go right now.”

Shane sniffled again him. “Me neither, but if we had to stop seeing each other, I don’t think I could handle it.”

They separated, and Roy kissed his face a few more times. “Tonight. I’ll see you tonight.”

Shane smiled tightly and moved towards the ladder.

*****

That day, Roy’s mom forced him to go the store with his sisters for school clothes. He sat miserably on the bench, watching the girls parade around in pleated skirts and shortalls and cardigans. At one point, Vanessa flopped down beside him.

“Hey,” she said gently, smoothing down the ruffles on her short skirt. “I, uh…I saw the sign outside Shane’s house this morning. It seems like their house sold really fast, huh?”

Roy nodded, a lump forming in his throat.

Vanessa reached over and squeezed his hand. “Well. I don’t know about you,” she said softly, “but I’m really gonna miss him.”

Roy blinked a few times, forcing the tears back that pricked at his eyes.

Vanessa leaned her head on his shoulder and continued to hold his hand.

That night, Shane and Roy both tried to be positive, and make the most of the little time they had left, but despite their best efforts, every kiss tasted salty from bitter tears. It was unusually chilly for summer, and Shane shivered in Roy’s arms, clinging to him desperately. 

It was another night of fitful, restless sleep, each of them waking up intermittently with nightmares. Shane kicked Roy twice, jolting awake, and by the time dawn began to break, they’d given up on sleep entirely and just curled together, Roy brushing his lips against Shane’s over and over.

Later in the morning, Roy sat at the breakfast table, deep circles under his dull and hollow eyes. Aida looked at him, concerned, and could feel her iron will begin to bend a little. She kissed her son on the top of his head and sighed.

*****

Roy stretched out on his bed, drawing on a sketchpad, when images of Shane started flickering through his head. There was nothing that made him feel self-loathing like getting turned on when he was supposed to be sad, but soon he was hard and so he reached for the mango lotion in his bedside table and began abusing himself furiously, tugging hard to try and dispel all those thoughts that wouldn’t go away. He came quickly, and laid back, panting, squeezing his eyes shut.

Lynn burst through his door and he squealed, pulling the covers up to his chin. 

“DO YOU PEOPLE EVER KNOCK?” he screamed.

Lynn wrinkled her nose. “Dude, why does it smell like a Thai brothel in here?”

Roy glared at her and she laughed.

“Nevermind, don’t answer that.” She averted her eyes. “I just came to tell you to come – ha – and  help set the table. Dinner’s almost ready.”

He looked away, up at the ceiling. “Not hungry.”

Lynn rolled her eyes, “I think you’ll want to come down tonight anyway. Mama invited Blondie and his family. So y’all can sulk together.”

Roy looked up at her sharply. She was the one person in his family who would fuck with him and he was not in the mood. “Are you being serious?”

“Yup! Come ask her yourself if you don’t believe me. But maybe wash your hands first.” Lynn turned on her heel and flounced away.

Roy went downstairs a few minutes later and, sure enough, a leaf had been added to the table and there were 10 chairs. Vanessa grinned at him as she shook out a tablecloth. “Hey! Look who’s up!”

“Yeah, the prince finally dragged his tired ass out of bed,” Lynn commented. 

Vanessa elbowed her. “Be nice, Lynnie.”

Roy pulled a stack of plates out of the china cabinet. 

“Oooh, going for the fancy plates, huh? No everyday china for your future in-laws,” Lynn mocked, and Vanessa turned around and sucker-punched her in the gut.

“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” she said, and then skipped over to the cabinet to get napkins, leaving Lynn doubled over, gasping for air. Roy tossed a grateful look to Vanessa and she winked at him.

“What…the…fuck?” Lynn panted.

“His best friend is moving away. He’s allowed to fucking be sad about it. You need to back off. Say you’re sorry.”

“Jeez, sorry.”

“It’s fine. I know you can’t help being a bitch,” Roy sassed.

Lynn took a step towards him, but then saw Vanessa hovering behind him threateningly, and thought better of it.

*****

Roy wanted desperately to enjoy the dinner, but Shane looked so sad and small and kept pushing the food around on his plate, and every time they made eye contact he looked like he was about to burst into tears.

At one point, Roy’s dad obliviously turned to Shane and asked if he was excited about living in California. Shane opened his mouth, taking a shaky breath, but when he tried to speak, nothing came out.

Annette cleared her throat. “He’s getting used to the idea.”

“Awww, buck up, kiddo! Think of it as an adventure!” he encouraged.

“Shane, you’re gonna be so close to Hollywood! Maybe you can finally become a famous actor,” Elizabeth said. 

Shane nodded and looked back down at his plate. 

“And Disneyland!” exclaimed Eddy.

Roy clenched his fists under the table. He had a strong desire to punch every single one of them. Except Shane. And maybe Vanessa. He wondered what his mother would do if he started smashing the china against the wall. Maybe it would be enough of a distraction that he and Shane could run down to the bus station and escape from the nightmare of separation.

The topic turned to the food, and Annette tried to get Aida to agree to give her some of her Cuban recipes. 

“She can’t, nothing is written down,” said Lynn.

Suddenly Shane’s glassy eyes, which threatened to spill over with tears, were more than Roy could take. Mumbling an excuse, Roy backed up his chair and bolted from the room. Shane helplessly watched him disappear into the hallway and then started to stand, but a sharp look from Aida and his mother’s gentle hand on his shoulder forced him back down into his seat, where he felt as useless and weak as he’d ever been.

Roy sat on the edge of the bathtub, hands covering his face, sobbing quietly. His stomach felt funny and suddenly he threw open the lid of the toilet bowl and began retching. It went on for a few minutes, even though he had next to nothing in his stomach. When the heaving subsided, he sat down beside the toilet bowl and laid his head against the cool porcelain. 

*****

When Roy entered the treehouse later that night, Shane was already there, laying under the covers and clutching the walkie. Roy slid in and put his arms around him from behind, placing a tender kiss on his neck.

Shane laced his fingers through Roy’s, saying, “I’m sorry about tonight. I couldn’t…pretend. You know, they want us to act like everything is okay, but it’s NOT okay.”

“I know.” Roy buried his face in Shane’s hair, tightening his arms. 

Both of them were so exhausted, they could barely keep their eyes open. Days of crying and restless nights had caught up with them, and for the first night in awhile, they both slept soundly, cuddled close. Roy stirred at one point, hours later, when his arm fell asleep, but seeing Shane’s peaceful face in the moonlight, didn’t have the heart try try and change positions. He kissed him just below his ear, letting his lips linger on the soft skin, memorizing the smell of him. Shane let out a soft little sigh and Roy willed away the tears that threatened to fall. He started to pull one hand away to wipe his eyes, but Shane still clung tightly to his fingers, so he ended up wiping his face on the back of Shane’s t-shirt.


	10. 1994 (Part 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These kids should really not be left alone without adult supervision...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Minors engaging in sexual activity  
> CHAPTER RATING: Explicit

Shane beat Roy to the treehouse again the next night. But this time, when Roy ascended the ladder, he saw a bright, happy smile spread over Shane’s face.

“I decided something,” the blonde proclaimed.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah! No more being sad for the rest of the week. Saturday is going to be sad, but until then, we should have a good time. Okay?”

Roy smiled at him. This was the friend that he’d known and loved for years.

“And to help, because I know sometimes you need extra help when you’re grumpy, I brought all your favorites.” He dumped out the contents of his backpack and grinned at Roy proudly. Chocolate pudding, puffy Cheetos, Mountain Dew, Tropical Skittles, and Kit Kat bars.

Roy laughed. “Where did you get this? Your mom would never buy this stuff in a million years. Unless those Cheetos are actually made out of that awful stuff…what’s that stuff she loves?”

“Sprouted legumes. And no. I rode my bike to 7-11 and bought all of this myself. Genuine chemicals, all for you.”

Roy kissed him on the cheek. “This might be the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

Shane clapped his hands. “Picnic time!”

They tore into the candy. Shane, not used to all the sugar or the caffeine, got giggly and silly pretty quickly, feeding Roy pudding and Cheetos, putting his fingers, covered in the sticky orange dust, into Roy’s mouth. Roy sucked blissfully on his fingers, licking them clean, heart pounding.

They laughed and kissed and talked about all of the places they would go together someday. Shane wanted to bring Roy to Sydney, and from there “it’s a really short trip to Tahiti or Bali or somewhere amazing and tropical.”

Roy dreamed of backpacking through the Alps, or tooling around Rome on a Vespa. “I’d go super fast so you have to hang on tight,” he said, running his hand through Shane’s hair.

“How come you get to drive?” Shane whined, pretending to sulk.

“Because I’m older.”

Shane scoffed, pouting, and then met Roy’s eyes and dissolved into giggles. He reached forward and shoved a piece of a Kit Kat bar into Roy’s mouth. Roy grabbed his hand and pulled him close, onto the sleeping bags, away from their picnic, which was mostly decimated by now anyway.

Shane sprawled out on top of Roy, staring into his warm brown eyes, like pools of dark chocolate. His lashes were thick and black and so long that they brushed his cheeks when he blinked. Shane could feel himself getting lost in those eyes. He could feel his heart race. He wasn’t sure if it was from the candy or from Roy’s firm body beneath him.

Roy sensed that Shane was deep in thought, and kept his body still. The only movement was one of his hands, gently rubbing Shane’s lower back.

Shane let his hands wander over Roy’s torso, and then bent his head down, kissing his neck and sucking gently on the tender flesh below his jaw. Roy brought one hand slowly up his thigh and let it rest on Shane’s ass. He tried valiantly to control his breathing as Shane pressed down into him. He lifted his hips up a few times, and then suddenly he felt how hard Shane was and he couldn’t contain it any more. He reached for his bag and picked up the bottle of lotion, squeezing some into his hand.

Shane moved his lips up to Roy’s mouth, massaging their tongues against each other, whimpering into Roy’s open mouth, “Don’t make me look away.”

Roy breathed hard, nodding. He slipped his hand into his pants, inside his underwear, spreading the lotion down his dick. His other arm was still wrapped around Shane’s waist, fingers creeping slowly towards his ass. He had slid to the side a little with one leg still slung over Roy’s body. Roy could feel his knuckles graze Shane’s thigh with every stroke.

Shane leaned his head on Roy’s chest and watched his hand moving, rubbing his own dick against Roy’s hip, reaching down to palm himself over his pajama bottoms. He reached for the lotion and took some. Roy’s hand was moving fast now and Shane looked up at his face while he began stroking himself.

Roy’s eyes were squeezed shut. He was still too self-conscious to look at Shane, or to meet his eyes, while he did this. But he could feel Shane’s hot breath on his face, hear the sounds as Shane tugged at his dick, beginning to pant in his ear. Fuck. He was so close. Shane leaned against his chest with one arm, and when he fingered one of his nipples, Roy exploded.

He let out a long desperate moan, squeezing Shane’s ass cheeks, pumping furiously until there was nothing left. His eyes fluttered open and he glimpsed down at Shane, who was working himself in a frenzy. He felt a shiver of excitement mixed with just a hint of shame. Shane was right though, it was pretty hot to watch.

Roy kept kneading Shane’s ass, and with the other hand, guided his fingers into his mouth. They still tasted vaguely like chocolate and Cheetos and were sticky like candy. Roy sucked on them and Shane whimpered and moaned, stroking faster, shoving his fingers deeper down Roy’s throat.

Shane looked up at him, saw his brown eyes watering. He bit his lip and eased off on his fingers a little, then bent down and whispered, “Take off your shirt.”

Roy didn’t hesitate a second. He whipped off his shirt and Shane did the same, pressing their bodies together. He moved his hand to the back of Roy’s head, grasping the thick, soft hair in his hands. He started to come and yanked on the strands of hair.

Roy thought he might come again just from this - the hair pulling, the skin to skin contact. Shane’s eyes rolled back into his head as he came, muscles strained and moaning as he milked himself dry. He collapsed against Roy, hot and flushed and sweaty, chest heaving with ragged breaths. “Damn,” Roy whispered, “I…don’t know if I was ready for that.”

Shane giggled and cuddled closer, kissing Roy’s cheek. “Sorry.”

“I didn’t say I regret it,” Roy smirked.

Shane sighed blissfully, resting his head on Roy’s shoulder.

*****

Roy got to the treehouse the last night and sat on the sleeping bags, hugging his knees to his chest. He breathed slowly in and out, feeling emotional but knowing that Shane wanted to keep things happy for one more night. Despite that, by the time Shane’s beautiful face emerged through the trap door, he was close to tears. Shane looked at his face and it was like he could read his mind.

He tossed his backpack to the floor and tackled Roy in a bear hug, pressing sweet kisses all over his face. “Roy,” he whispered, “I love you so fucking much.”

Roy cradled Shane’s face in his hands. The twisting pain in his gut began to subside a little, now that he had his beautiful friend in his arms. “Shane…oh god, I love you too.”

Shane’s eyes lit up with pure joy. It was the first time Roy said it out loud, and though he didn’t realize it until that moment, there was a nagging doubt in his mind. Hearing the words come from Roy’s lips, all of his fears and insecurities melted away.

The look on Shane’s face was something that Roy knew he’d remember for the rest of his life. He felt light and free. He’d always had a feeling, deep down, that he was not important. That he was just a speck of dust in the vast universe, but holding Shane and saying those words, seeing the effect they had on him, he suddenly felt plugged in, connected, alive like never before.

There was something sweetly innocent about the way Shane then slipped his hands beneath Roy’s shirt. It was almost not even sexual, just the urge to touch Roy’s skin, to be in contact with him in an intimate way. The same drive that Roy had to stroke Shane’s cheekbones, Shane had to feel the warmth of Roy’s chest. Roy lifted his arms and let Shane slowly remove his shirt.

Roy kissed Shane’s temples, his neck, the shell of his ear. He pulled back and gazed into his eyes, saying, “You are perfect.”

Shane’s eyes filled with tears and Roy gently touched the corners.

“You said no being sad,” Roy murmured.

Shane shut his eyes for a moment, then opened them and smiled at Roy. “These are happy tears.”

Roy smiled back, and drew his face in close again, kissing his eyelids, then brushing his lips along Shane’s delicate jaw. He pulled Shane’s shirt off and rolled him under the covers, pressing their bodies together, feeling Shane’s flushed, hot skin against his.

Shane trailed his fingers over Roy’s back and shoulders. “You know,” he said softly, “this is not the end. This is the beginning.” Then he blushed and hid his face against Roy’s shoulder. “Sorry, that was so cheesy. Oh my gosh.”

Roy laughed and pulled gently on Shane’s silky hair. “I like it when you’re cheesy. It’s one of your best qualities.”

“Okay, well then you’ll like it if I tell you I want you to hold me all night.” Shane let his head fall back to the pillow.

Roy nodded, sliding off of Shane’s body and wrapping his arms around him from behind. He let his lips rest gently on his neck. “Like this?”

Shane rubbed Roy’s arms. “Uh-huh,” he whispered. His eyes fell closed. “I wish we could stay like this forever.”

“Someday we will,” Roy promised. “We just have to take a little break tomorrow…” He swallowed his tears, smelling the fresh citrus-y scent of Shane’s hair.

“Right,” Shane agreed, biting his lip. He pressed backwards against Roy, relishing the feel of their skin against each other, pulling Roy’s arms tighter around him.

Roy shifted a little. Shane’s ass was right up against his crotch, and he didn’t want to ruin the sweet moment between them with a damn boner. Shane turned his head and gave Roy a mischievous look, wiggling his ass around. “Oh god…”

Shane giggled and pushed back some more. Roy stopped backing his hips up and instead pushed forward, as all the blood rushed from his head. His breathing came faster. Soon he was panting in Shane’s ear, humping his ass frantically.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he whimpered. His fucking dick was the bane of his existence. It was the reason they were in this goddamn mess. The reason Shane was leaving. He hated himself and yet, god it felt so good.

Shane squeezed his eyes shut as Roy gripped his hips. He was hard now too, but he waited to touch himself until he literally couldn’t stand it and thought he might black out from the aching pain. At that point, Roy was on the edge, sucking on his earlobe and moaning, reaching into his bottoms to finish off.

Shane turned around and faced him, taking his face in his hands and kissing him. He kissed his lips, his neck, down his chest. His cock pulsed, but he was more concerned with Roy at the moment.

As Roy pumped himself with one hand, the other gripped Shane’s hip. Shane slid a hand down Roy’s arm and then reached behind himself, guiding Roy’s hand from his hip down, inside his underwear, letting him squeeze his bare ass. Roy moaned, the skin to skin contact intoxicating to him, the feel of Shane’s smooth ass firm but supple. He kneaded the flesh, pulling Shane against him.

Shane sucked on Roy’s bottom lip, winding his hands through his hair. “Pull it,” Roy whispered, and Shane yanked hard on the thick strands.

Roy moaned loudly, relishing the pain as he reached his climax. He buried his face into Shane’s neck and erupted all over his hand, squeezing until he stopped spasming. He wipes his hand on the ass of his underwear and then pulled Shane closer again, feeling his dick against his thigh.

Shane rutted against Roy’s thigh, sliding his tongue into his mouth. Both of Roy’s hands were now clutching his ass, and Shane could barely take it. His dick leaked pre-cum and throbbed in his pants.

“Roy,” he whimpered, “Please…please help me.”

Roy slowly lowered Shane’s bottoms. One hand continued to rub his ass as the other drifted around. Roy’s fingers rested on Shane’s inner thigh. “Are you sure, you want–”

“Yes! Yes, please,” Shane arched against him desperately.

Roy wrapped a hand around Shane’s dick and he immediately began bucking his hips forwards, thrusting into it. He dug his fingers deep into Roy’s back. Roy kissed his cheeks and moved his head back to watch Shane’s face.

Shane panted. His eyes were hooded with lust. “Oh god, oh god,” he repeated. Roy’s hands felt amazing, like heaven. So good it was painful. His eyes rolled back into his head and he bit down hard on Roy’s shoulder as he came, straining and moaning. Roy kept pumping until his muscles went slack and his moans turned into soft whimpers.

Roy gathered Shane against him, letting him press his face against Roy’s chest, slick with sweat. He kissed his head over and over.

“Fuck,” Shane whispered, “That was…oh god.”

Roy giggled. “Glad I could be of service.”

Shane sighed happily and snuggled against him, fighting the urge to drift off to sleep. He knew that this was their last night for a long time, and wanted to live in his current blissful state for as long as possible, curled in Roy's arms, memorizing every moment, every cell of Roy's body. 


	11. 1994 (Part 5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> D-Day has arrived. (And please note my amazingly talented cowriter, who is now tagged. She's brilliant and amazing. xoxo)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Tears  
> CHAPTER RATING: General Audiences

Shane sat on the steps as his parents finished packing the minivan. Not helping was a silent protest, although they didn’t seem to notice. Roy’s siblings walked across the street to say goodbye, while Roy hung back, trying to get a handle on his emotions. He was having difficulty breathing.

Lynn slugged Shane lightly on the arm. “See you, Blondie. You’re not so bad, I might even miss you a little.”

Shane smiled at her and gave her a hug. “You know you’re desperately in love with me, Lynn. Don’t deny it.”

She laughed. “Totally.”

Eddy wrapped his arms around Shane’s waist. “Thanks for teaching me how to pirouette, Shane. All the guys on my soccer team think it’s really cool.”

Shane giggled. “Well kids today are really evolving, aren’t they?”

Liz nodded and piled on, hugging Shane tightly. “Goodbye honey. You’re gonna do great in California. I expect you to be a big star someday!”

“Bye Lizzie.” Shane could feel tears starting to come. She had always really felt like a big sister to him, especially after Kim left to go to University in Sydney.

Vanessa sniffled. “Shanie, don’t cry baby. Or I’m gonna cry.”

“I’m sorry,” Shane said.

She attacked him in a bear hug, “You are the greatest, you know.” In a lower voice, so that her sisters didn’t hear, she murmured, “I don’t know what Roy’s gonna do without you.”

Shane buried his face in her chest, now having a hard time controlling his sobs.

Roy watched everything as he slowly made his way down his front walk to the mailbox, hanging on for dear life, as he could feel himself getting lightheaded. Shane lifted his head from Vanessa and Roy could see the tears on his face, even from across the street. His entire body went numb.

Vanessa whispered something else to Shane and kissed the top of his head. Eddy was swinging in the tire in the Jeneks’ front yard. Elizabeth and Lynn sat on the stoop. They all started to look blurry as Shane broke away from Vanessa and made his way across the street to Roy.

He stood in front of him, fat tears dripping down his face. He tried to make his voice normal, aware that people were watching them. “Hey, Roy.”

“Hi.” Roy’s heart was in his throat.

“Um…I’ll send you my address once we get there.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“I’m really gonna mi–” Shane’s breath hitched and suddenly he couldn’t take it anymore. He grabbed Roy by the neck and crushed their lips together. He kissed him deeply, trying to express all of the things he couldn’t in words, didn’t have time to in words. Love, sorrow, friendship, an unbreakable bond, how desperately he didn’t want to leave.

Roy didn’t care that his mom was right inside. He didn’t care that his sisters and his brother and Shane’s parents were watching. All he cared about was Shane, his soft mouth and his warm hands and the taste of him, like what sunshine should taste like.

Roy pulled Shane against him, as close as humanly possible, gripping his small frame so tightly, he thought he might break him.

Shane laid his head down and started to sob on Roy’s shoulder. Wrenching sobs that wracked his body in painful spasms. Roy’s chest was tight with grief. “Shhhh,” he soothed, taking shallow breaths.

“Please never let go,” Shane wept.

“I won’t,” Roy lied, wishing with every fiber of his being that it was the truth. What if he just didn’t let go? Shane would have to stay. Or he’d have to go with the Jeneks. Suddenly it didn’t seem like the worst plan.

Shane tried to say something else, but his gulping sobs made it completely unintelligible.

Roy stroked Shane’s hair with one hand, the other on his back. Shane dug his fingers into Roy’s shoulders. He cried so hard that his throat became raw and his chest ached.

Annette and Gill approached them, looking concerned and apologetic.

“Shane, darling? I’m sorry my love, but we have to go.”

Shane ignored them completely, clinging to Roy in abject despair.

“Darling, I’m sorry, I know. But you and Roy can write to each other. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but everything is going to be okay.”

When reason didn’t seem to work, Annette sighed and stepped forward. She put her hands on Shane’s shoulders and tried to gently pry him away. After getting nowhere, she became slightly more forceful.

“I promise, it will be alright, boys.”

She motioned to Gill with her head and he frowned, pulling Shane away from Roy, wresting the fabric of Roy’s shirt out of his son’s fists. He pulled Shane, still protesting and sobbing, into his arms, lifting him off the ground and carrying him towards the car. After a few steps, Shane stopped struggling and hung limply in his dad’s arms.

Annette wrapped Roy up into a hug, murmuring, “You take care of yourself, darling. I promise you’ll see each other again someday.”

Roy’s eyes were still remarkably dry as she released him. His sisters and Eddy had made their way back across the street, and exchanged kisses and hugs with Annette. Gill deposited Shane into the backseat and they climbed in. Annette blew kisses at everyone as the car backed out of the driveway. Shane pressed his face to the window, locking eyes with Roy, looking more forlorn and devastated than he ever had.

Vanessa held Roy’s hand and he found himself shaking, leaning against her. The last second, right as the car pulled down the street, Roy broke, tears finally falling from his eyes, the reality hitting him like a ton of bricks.

When the car disappeared down the block, the rushing sound of blood in his ears was replaced by Eddy calling “GOODBYE JENEKS! GOODBYE!”

The others turned and slowly filed back into the house. Roy was last, led by Vanessa, who didn’t say anything even though Roy was crushing her fingers in a vice grip.

She began to pull him up the stairs, but Roy suddenly dropped her hand, pushing her away, and ran, as fast as his shaky legs could carry him, around to the backyard where he climbed into the treehouse.

He sprawled out face-first onto the sleeping bags, burying his face into a pillow and sobbing his eyes out.

*****

Aida stood in her son’s doorway, a letter pinched in her hands. She was not sure if giving it to Roy was the best idea. But, she thought…it could be worse. Or could it?

He simply refused to get up. It was a million times worse than his depression earlier in the month. He wouldn’t come downstairs, trays of food went untouched, and Aida was at her wit’s end. Maybe this letter from Shane would help. She walked over and lightly tapped him on the shoulder.

“Go away,” he groaned hoarsely.

“Shane wrote you a letter.”

Roy bolted upright and snatched the letter out of her hands. He ran his finger over the lettering on the outside for a brief second, before tearing it open. His eyes scanned the letter.

 _August 24, 1994_  
Dear Roy,  
I miss you so much it’s like I can’t breathe. I hate my parents for making us move. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone. You have always been my best friend, but now you are so much more. I dream about kissing you again every night and I know that I will figure out a way to make it back to you someday. I will. Fuck everyone who stands in our way.  
We are going to be in California tomorrow and I will send you my address as soon as I can so that you can write back. I can’t wait to hear from you.  
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!  
Love forever,  
Shane

He pressed the letter to his cheek and then turned to his mother, eyes blazing with fury. “GET OUT!” he screamed, and then collapsed onto his pillow, uncontrollable sobs wracking his body.

Aida touched his shoulder, swallowing back tears when she felt him shrink away.

Shane’s next letter arrived three days later. She looked at the loopy cursive writing, closing her eyes, thinking about how miserable Roy had been. She made a decision. She would wait…a few days, or so, just until Roy felt a little better. Because obviously the first letter had triggered something. He was more depressed and angry and brokenhearted than he’d ever been. It wasn’t healthy and she needed him to be stronger before he started communicating with Shane.

So that settled it.

A few days later, she came to Roy’s doorway. He’d actually joined the family for dinner that evening. He’d agreed to go with her and Eddy to the store in the morning to buy new school shoes. She held the letter behind her back. Roy looked up from his bed, where he was valiantly trying to get through the summer reading he’d neglected for almost 3 months.

“Hey mom. What’s up?”

Aida studied his face. He seemed…okay. Maybe not living his dream life, but definitely not in the same black hole where he’d been. She hesitated. “I just wanted to tell you I love you, mijo.”

Roy nodded. “I love you too, Mama.”

It was hearing that word that made up her mind. He hadn’t called her “Mama” for so long. She leaned heavily against the doorframe, relief filling her chest. Her baby was slowly coming back to her, and she couldn’t bear to risk hurting him again. “Goodnight, Roy.”

“‘Night,” Roy smiled tightly and went back to his book.


	12. 1994-1995

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane writes letters. And…we’re sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER RATING: General Audiences

_August 26, 1994_  
_Dear Roy,_  
_We made it. Wow, that drive was awful and it didn’t help that I spent most of it crying into a pillow. Every mile we drove, I could feel that we were getting farther and farther apart and I just can’t even imagine how I’m going to get through this school year without you. I dream about you every night. On the good nights, it’s like how things used to be – playing in our treehouse, watching movies, torturing your sisters (How are they by the way? I miss them too. Even Lynn.), raiding your cupboard for junk food. On the GREAT nights, I get to forget that I ever left, and those dreams are the best because I get to kiss you and hold you and be in your arms. I know that it’s not real but I guess it is the next best thing. And then on the bad nights…that’s when I have to see your face as our car pulls away. And my heart breaks over and over. I love you so much, Roy. Kissing you, all those nights we got to spend together, you telling me that you loved me – was the best thing that ever happened to me, and then leaving you is the absolute worst. I hate not seeing you every day. I feel like a part of me is missing._  
_So we’re at this motel for a week until we can get into our new house. But it’s okay for you to write because my dad is checking the mail. The address is on the envelope but here it is again: 1447 Lennox Dr, Azuza CA 91702. I can’t wait to hear from you, so write back soon!_  
_Love forever and ever,_  
_Shane_

_*****_

_August 29, 1994_  
_Dear Roy,_  
_Today was the worst day so far. I miss you so much. I tried calling but you weren’t home, and Mum got mad at me because I guess they charge a lot of money for long distance calls from hotels. I told her that she could use my college fund. Since you won’t be around to help me with math and science, I’m probably not gonna graduate high school anyway, right? She didn’t think that was funny. I told her I didn’t think moving across the country and destroying my life was funny. She’s a little pissed off. Well GOOD._  
_I love you, please write back soon._  
_Love forever and ever,_  
_Shane_

_*****_

_September 1, 1994_  
_Dear Roy,_  
_How are you? Are you okay? Are you as miserable as me? I hope you are okay. I keep thinking about the day I left, and how I didn’t want to let go of you. And how pulling away from you was like my heart being ripped out of my chest. Did you feel the same way?_  
_I wish I was there with you now. I would literally sell my soul for one more night camping out with you in our treehouse. Have you been up there since I left? The thought of you being there and feeling lonely is killing me. Please tell me you are okay._  
_I will wait to hear from you before I write again. I love you more than anything in life. Write soon, please!!_  
_Love forever,_  
_Shane_

_*****_

_September 7, 1994_  
_Dear Roy,_  
_I couldn’t wait until I heard from you, so I’m sorry if I’m asking you questions again that you have already answered in your letter. I hope I hear from you soon though. I check the mailbox 20 times every day and it reminds me of when your mom buys lottery tickets and checks the news every 10 minutes. The day I get a letter will be the first happy thing to happen to me since I left._  
_Are you doing okay? I am so sorry for leaving. I miss you so much every second of every day. I hope that you are not as miserable as me. California is so ugly and brown. I miss you, I miss our trees, I miss your eyes. I feel like we got so cheated, only being together, like really together, for a few weeks before everything was ripped away from us._  
_School started here yesterday and I haven’t met a single normal person. They are all like…I’m trying to think of a nice word but they all scare me a little, basically. My mum found a community theatre group though, so I’m gonna start that next week. Their show in the fall is “The Sound of Music.” Maybe I’ll try out for Maria. (Haha)_  
_I really hope you’re alright and that when school starts, you can avoid that jerk Logan. And please tell the drama girls hi for me. Please write back soon!!!!! xoxoxo_  
_love forever,_  
_Shane_

_*****_

_September 19, 1994_  
_Dear Roy,_  
_Are you mad at me? Please don’t be mad at me, I couldn’t bear it. Are you depressed? Why haven’t you written? I would do anything to hear from you, even just a quick note, anything so that I know you are okay. I tried calling your house a bunch of times and usually your mom says you are out with friends, and so I guess you are okay? Even so, I am worried about you. Because I’ve left so many messages and you haven’t called back, and I don’t know why._  
_Do you regret what happened between us? I only regret that we got caught when we did, and that I had to leave. Because the truth is that I would not trade those few weeks with you for anything, ever. I love you so much, Roy. I always will._  
_Please write back soon and tell me you are okay!! And that you don’t hate me. Please. If you don’t want to write, you can call. I’ve left you 5 messages. My phone number is at the bottom of the page._  
_love always,_  
_Shane_  
_P.S. I am Kurt in the play._

_*****_

_October 12, 1994_  
_Dear Roy,_  
_I don’t understand. You told me you loved me. You told me you would keep in touch. What is going on??? I don’t know what I did wrong. Please write back, Roy, I am in agony waiting for you. Did you fall out of love with me? Did you meet someone else? Did you never love me to begin with? Please, Roy, please tell me this is all a horrible mistake and you have been sending letters to the wrong house. I put my address and phone number on a notecard and laminated it for you._  
_Kim told me to “take a hint” and “let it go” but I can’t. I don’t care if I sound desperate or crazy, I sort of am at this point. I can’t eat or sleep, I just think about you all the time and Kim says I should leave you alone but I don’t know how to do that. I love you and I don’t care if you love me back. I will love you until the day I die._  
_Please, please, please write back soon._  
_love always,_  
_Shane_

_*****_

_October 26, 1994_  
_Dear Roy,_  
_Please tell me what I did wrong. I can be different. I will even leave you alone if that’s what you want, but I just don’t understand what made you change your mind. I still dream about you every night only now the dreams are so much more confusing. I feel like I’m going crazy. I miss you so much. I don’t know what to do. I just know that everything was better when you were across the street and now it’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore. Does that make sense? Does that sound crazy? That sounds crazy, right? I’m not gonna mail this._  
_You know what, actually, I am gonna mail this. Because this is what you are doing to me by ignoring me. This is your fault. You should know that you’re making me totally fucking insane and the sad part is, if you even wrote me one word back, I’d forgive you in a second. Because I love you that much. I do. So…fuck you. Except not and I love you and please, please write back._  
_Love,_  
_Shane_

_*****_

_November 16, 1994_  
_YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!!!_

_*****_

_December 5, 1994_  
_Dear Roy,_  
_I’m really sorry about my last letter. It was rude and it’s not true, anyway. Don’t be upset with me, please, I just got really frustrated that I hadn’t heard from you but it’s okay.  It is okay if you don’t love me. I probably freaked you out before. I really don’t want to lose you as a friend so if you don’t love me, just tell me and I will stop talking about it. Or maybe Kim is right and I should take a hint._  
_Please forgive me for being mad. Please write back soon._  
_love,_  
_Shane_

_*****_

_December 31, 1994_  
_Dear Roy,_  
_It’s New Year’s Eve. The first one we’ve spent apart since that year Kim started college and we had to spend the holidays with her in Sydney. We’re in Australia again this year, by the way, and it’s so hot, and it doesn’t feel right at all, and I miss you so much and everyone is mad at me because I keep ruining all their stupid holiday cheer. It’ll be midnight in 3 hours. I don’t really know what to think, about anything. I thought that we would be together forever. That we would keep writing and maybe I could come back and visit and maybe Aida would eventually be okay with everything and someday we could go to college together, assuming I could get in anywhere (which is looking grim if you saw my report card this semester), and everything would be all better._  
_I guess I was wrong about everything. I guess I really am just some stupid kid who doesn’t understand love, and maybe I never will. Because I really thought what we had was love. I did. And now, I guess I am just an idiot, right?_  
_Despite everything, when I think about you, I am still hoping that you are happy. I hope you had a good Christmas. I’m mailing this from Kim’s house in Sydney so you may not get it for awhile. Not that it matters, I guess. Well…Happy New Year._  
_-Shane_

_*****_

_March 4, 1995_  
_Hey Roy,_  
_It’s been awhile, but my theatre group is doing Oliver!, and when I got the lead, I thought about you, and when I sang “Food Glorious Food” for that pageant in your backyard. We’ve been in rehearsals for a week and it’s been cool. There’s a kid in the cast named Danny who I think you’d really like. He’s only 8, but he’s got almost as much of a trash mouth as you. Don’t worry, I have a few other friends besides an 8 year old. There’s a girl in my English class who I think has a crush on me. Should I try going out with a girl? She’s really pretty. She looks a little like that girl Roxy, the one who lives on Wellington?_  
_We went to Disneyland for my birthday. It’s not as cool as Disney World. I missed you on Pirates of the Caribbean. I kind of miss you all the time, but I guess it’s getting easier. Kim says I’m losing my naïve idealistic bullshit view of the world and that it’s about time. She’s such a ray of sunshine. Anyways… It would be great to hear from you some time._  
_your friend,_  
_Shane_

_*****_

_August 30, 1995_  
_Roy,_  
_I guess this letter is mostly an apology. I understand now that you never loved me. Maybe you were just caught up in the moment or something. I guess it was immature of me to think you did because when I think about it, I guess you only said it once. And maybe only because I was saying it so you felt like you had to. Because…well, I really loved you, so I was just…what’s that word? Projecting. I don’t know, I’m just sorry if I ever made you feel weird. You’re the best friend I ever had and the thought of you feeling uncomfortable is kind of…the worst. The more time went by, I guess the more I realized that it’s just the regular stuff I missed most of all. Talking to you, laughing with you, the way you’d help me with my homework and never make me feel dumb. The way you always had my back. Losing a “boyfriend” really sucks, but losing my best friend…there was a long time when I didn’t feel I could deal with that at all._  
_Anyway, you don’t have to worry about any of this, because I’ve moved on. I have a girlfriend (that’s right, haha) and I really like her. I don’t know if I like her as much as I liked you, but I don’t honestly think I’ll ever like anyone the way I liked you. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe I’m not supposed to. Because it wasn’t real, right? Just all in my head._  
_God, I don’t even know if I should send this. I’m trying to apologize for being weird and I keep going back to how I felt about you. I wish I knew what you were thinking. Why didn’t you ever just tell me?? Ugh. Okay, I’m gonna go, I’ve wasted enough of your time._  
_If you ever feel like writing to me…I’d like to hear from you._  
_Sincerely,_  
_Shane_


	13. 2010 / 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost twenty years later, Roy is blindsided by a ghost from his past…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER RATING: Teen and up

**2010**

After being a contestant on Rupaul’s Drag Race and coming really close to getting the crown, her career as a drag performer and singer took off. Her album was finally out so that combined with her new popularity from the show got her gigs all over the country.

Tonight she was in New York. She had a presentation at XL Nightclub and was on her way there with her boyfriend who was more excited about seeing the club’s host than her performing.

“Why are you so excited about this queen?”

“She hosted my season’s premiere and finale party and she killed it. She’s hilarious!” he declared.

She shook her head, leaning against his shoulder in the cab. “She better be amazing, with all this build-up.”

He chuckled. “Trust me. She’s right up your alley. A foul-mouthed gutter whore. If your mother had a dick, this is who she’d be.”

She snuggled against him, “Ooh, talk dirty some more.”

“You’re such a weirdo,” he laughed.

*****

When they arrived at the club, the queen was getting on the stage.

“How the fuck are y’all doing, XL? My name is Bianca Del Rio. Who’s ready to have a good fucking time?” The crowd cheered and yelled. “I’m here to be a nasty, hateful, filthy fucking bitch. Who’s ready for it?”

She watched, amazed by how the queen had only been on stage for a couple of minutes and she already had the crowd in the palm of her hand.

They stayed in the back for a bit, hoping no one recognized her so they could watch some of the queen’s set. She had to admit that Justin was right, Bianca Del Rio was hilarious. She loved that she made fun of herself then made fun of other people; she joked about classic stereotypes and pushed the limits and the audience loved it.

They could only stay for a few more minutes before they had to go backstage so she could finish getting ready for her performance. She had dressed and done her makeup at their hotel so the only thing missing was putting on her wig.

They hung out with the other queens as she waited for her turn. Sometimes the clubs would offer her a private dressing room but she always declined. She loved meeting new people and seeing different styles of drag, it was one of her favorite things of being part of this world.

*****

She finished her last number, wig a tangled mess, clothes askew, eye makeup smeared. The crowd’s cheers were loud and long and satisfying, and when she glanced at herself in the mirror back in the dressing room, she nodded with satisfaction. “Damn, I look punk rock as fuck,” she giggled.

“You look fucking cool,” Justin agreed, as Bianca walked over to them.

“Alaska, so nice to see you again.”

They hugged tightly. “B. You were amazing…as usual. “

“Thanks.”

“Bianca, this is my boyfriend, Adore.”

Bianca nodded hello. “Great voice girl, the audience loved you.”

“Thank you! And I loved your act. You’re hilarious.”

Bianca smiled and took a sip of her drink.

“Why haven’t you auditioned for Drag Race yet?”

Alaska nodded. “I’ve been telling her the same thing since I met her.”

“It’s not for me. I’m a bitter, old cunt.”

“Are you crazy? You’d murder the competition.”

Bianca shook her head.

“I don’t lip sync, I don’t dance, I just do comedy and make dresses.”

“Can you act?” asked Adore.

“I guess.”

“Then you’ll get by just fine. You should try it.”

She shrugged. “I’ll think about it.”

“You’re coming out with us for dinner, right?”

“Dinner? It’s almost 4 am.”

“So? I’m hungry. And we’re in New York City so that means PIZZA!” Adore clapped her hands and jumped up and down.

Bianca laughed. “Why not?”

 

**FLASH FORWARD - 2014**

Roy finally arrived home after doing errands all morning. He felt hot and sticky; he definitely needed a shower. It had been two weeks since he officially left New York but he was still getting used to LA and it’s schizophrenic weather.

After a lot of nagging from Adore and LA clubs wanting him, combined with all of the road gigs which made it possible to really live ANYWHERE, he’d looked at some apartments. The idea that he could pay less rent and have more than double the space of his New York studio was what settled it. He’d picked up and moved, with no real plan, for the second time in his life.

He inhaled a light dinner and took a quick shower before starting the process of becoming Bianca, a process he’d gotten down to about 40 minutes over the years.

He was doing the finishing touches before leaving for the show when his phone rang; he looked at the caller then answered and put it on speaker. “Hey chola,” he greeted as he continued with Bianca’s makeup. “What’s up?”

“Bitch, I’m getting married!” Adore shouted excitedly from the other side of the line.

Roy almost dropped the brush on his hand; he hadn’t been expecting that kind of news. “Are you serious?”

“Yes! Justin proposed yesterday,” Adore answered. “I’d have called you sooner but we were celebrating.”

“I bet you were,” Roy laughed. “Congratulations, bitch.”

“So… I have something ask.”

“Sure, go on.”

“Would you be my best man?”

“Me?” Roy asked “What about your childhood friends?”

“I already asked Courtney and she said yes,” Adore answered, “But I want you to be my best man too, so don’t be an asshole and answer already.”

Roy laughed. “Sure cunt, I’ll be your best man, you can stop begging now.”

“Thanks B. One more thing, we’re having an engagement party… actually it’s more like we’re going partying to celebrate our engagement, but you have to come anyway.”

“I don’t know…you know I work every day.”

“We’re doing Sunday Funday and I know you don’t work in the daytime, so you’re coming. No excuses bitch.”

“Okay, okay…but why Sunday?”

“So Jesus can bless us. No, dumbass, it’s cause it’s the day most of our friends are free.”

“So I’ll finally meet the Aussie superstar you never stop talking about?”

“Yes! And then we can start planning my wedding.”

“Who would have thought you’d be the first to get married. I thought you were too punk for that.”

“I know right.” Adore laughed. “Well B, I gotta go. I’ll text you the details later”

“Sure, see you.”

*****

Roy arrived with Detox to The Abbey and went up to the VIP section where Adore had told him they would be. They looked around and saw Adore and Justin talking with a couple of blondes he didn’t recognize. Then they spotted Raja, Manila, Raven, Morgan and Chad drinking and laughing in a corner and decided to join them.

After a while Adore came to him and hugged him, yelling over the music, “B! I’m so happy you made it. Come on, Justin is over there and you need to meet Courtney.”

Roy let her drag him to the other side of the room until they stopped behind the two blondes Adore was talking to earlier that now were laughing with Justin. She tapped on the shorter one’s shoulder and whispered something in his ear as the taller one gave him a once-over.

“Courtney, this is my friend from New York I’ve been telling you about,” Adore said. “Meet Bianca.”

Shane turned with a smile on his face ready to meet the person he kept hearing about when he was met with a familiar face. He felt all the blood drain from his face and shiver run down his spine; he suddenly felt lightheaded and the drink he had slipped from his hand and shattered on the floor.

“I… I… need some… air,” Roy said to no one in particular and hurried out of the club.

“Court? Are you okay?” Willam steadied him when he saw him sway back a little.

“She looks pale.” Adore said.

“Let’s sit her in that booth,” Justin suggested and helped Willam. “I’m going to bring her some water.”

“Bitch, how much did you drink?” Adore asked.

“That was her first.”

“Stop talking like I’m not here!”

“Here, have some water,” Justin handed him a bottle and he began to chug it down.

“Courtney, what happened?” Adore asked.

“I’ll explain later. Where did Roy go?”

“Who the fuck is Roy?” Willam asked.

“I mean…B… Bianca.”

“Outside, I think, why?” Adore answered.

“Need to talk to him,” Shane said and went outside trying to find his childhood friend and hopefully get some answers.

*

He stepped into the street and felt the cold breeze hit his face. It felt refreshing; he took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. He could have never imagined the night turning out this way. He had come to celebrate his best friend’s engagement and get drunk off his ass, not face ghosts from his past.

“B, what’s going on?”

He just shook his head at Detox; he didn’t feel like telling the whole story. “Do you have a cigarette?”

“You don’t smoke.”

“It feels like a good time to start.” He took the cigarette and lighter his friend offered him and lit it up. He sucked and inhaled deeply just to end up choking and coughing.

“Told you,” Detox chuckled and took the cigarette from his hand.

“Fuck you,” he said between coughs.

“Roy?” They both turned to find Shane still looking a bit pale but better than when Roy left. “Can we talk?”

“Uh…sure.”

“Text me if you need anything,” Detox said, and went back inside.

They looked at each other, unsure of what to say.


	14. 2014 - February

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to face the music…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Rating: Teen for some language

Shane shuffled from one foot to the other, looking at the ground, trying to think of something to say. He was the one who asked to talk and now he was at a loss for words. He still couldn’t believe that after all these years Roy was finally standing in front of him and now he was acting like an idiot.

After a moment Roy broke the silence “I-I…uh…S-Sorry for… leaving like that… I was shocked.”

Shane nodded, still unsure of how to act. “I… didn’t react well either. I just… can’t believe it’s really you… How have you been?”

“Good. Not as good as you though.”

“What do you mean?” he frowned.

“Adore talks about you non-stop. She told me all about your career and journey on Australian Idol.” Shane gave him a bright smile that left him breathless. He hadn’t realized how much he missed that smile. “Congratulations on achieving your dreams.”

“Thanks, but Danny makes it sound better than what it really is. I mean, I did okay there, after Idol, but it wasn’t gonna last forever. So I moved back here last year and things have been…it’s not that easy. There’s a lot more competition and I just…” Shane trailed off.

Roy shook his head. “I would have never guessed you were his childhood friend from Azuza.”

“I think I mentioned him in the letters you never answered,” Shane said, his voice taking on an edge.

“What are you talking about?”

“Roy, please don’t. You know what I’m talking about.”

“I really don’t.”

Shane rolled his eyes and pursed his lips.

“Don’t give me that attitude bitch, and tell me what the hell you are talking about.”

“Admit what you did. Stop being a fucking asshole.”

“How the hell am I the asshole? You’re the one acting like a fucking child!”

“Fuck you, Roy!” he bellowed. They noticed that everyone around was looking at them.

Roy took a deep breath, trying to get his anger under control. “Can we go somewhere quieter to talk?”

Shane nodded and tried to control the turmoil of feelings he was experiencing. They walked to the park nearby and sat on a bench.

“Now let’s talk like adults.”

Shane opened his mouth to make a snappy retort but he knew that wouldn’t actually help his point.

“What letters were you talking about?”

“Roy. Please. I wrote to you for a year, over and over again. Please don’t act like you don’t remember. My heart can’t take it.” Shane’s voice shook, he felt dizzy and short of breath.

Roy’s heart dropped to his feet. He shook his head in shock. “I didn’t get any letters, Shane.”

Shane’s voice rose again, anger and pain taking over, saying, “You don’t need to lie. It took me a while but I understood that you didn’t feel the same and I got over it.”

Roy was confused and disoriented, but found himself matching Shane’s anger. “Didn’t feel the same?!” he snapped, and then his voice broke as his anger melted into the misery he felt at thirteen years old, tears stinging his eyes. “I couldn’t fucking BREATHE when you left. Shane. I only got one letter. I kept waiting for your address and it never came.”

Shane pressed a hand to his head, trying to quiet his racing thoughts. “I sent it, and it was on every return envelope. I also called you over and over but she told me that you were busy. I thought you didn’t care. I thought–”

“No one ever told me you called. Who did you talk to?”

“Your mum.”

Roy frowned and whipped his phone out of his pocket, dialing quickly.

“Who are you calling?”

“My mother. I need answers. You say you wrote and called, and yet I never got anything, so she has some fucking explaining to do.”

After a few rings he heard his mother’s voice.

“Hello?”

“Hi mom.”

“Roy. How are you, mijo? Is everything okay?”

“Yes mom, I’m fine. You’ll never guess who’s sitting next to me.”

“Who?”

“Shane.” He waited for his mom to say something but he got nothing but dead silence. “Mom? Do you remember Shane? He used to live across the street.”

“Of course honey. Tell him I say hi.”

“Well, we were talking and he told me something interesting. He claims he sent letters when we were kids, after he moved, but I never got them. Did you?”

“Roy… I…”

“Mom, please tell me they got lost in the mail.”

“Mijo, I was trying to protect you.”

“What the FUCK, mom?!”

“Don’t you swear at me. I’m your mother.”

“How could you? You saw how heartbroken I was after he left!”

“Son, you were so depressed after you got the first letter and when the next came I decided to keep it until you felt better. And…and then you got better and I–”

“I wasn’t better! I was fucking pretending so that you would all leave me alone! And still, you didn’t give them to me. You knew I checked the mailbox all the time hoping to get any news from him. I even yelled at a mailman because I thought he had lost his letters.”

“You did what?” Aida and Shane asked in unison.

“That’s a story for another day.” Roy shook his head. “Mom, you had so many opportunities to give me the letters. So many fucking years.” Roy’s chest ached and his stomach twisted.

“I know, and I wanted to, but you were slowly going back to your old self. I so was scared that if you read his letters you’d go back to that hole, that you would resent me again. _Lo siento mucho hijo. Yo solo trataba de protegerte como no lo pude hacer con lo otro. Espero que algún día puedas perdonarme._ ”

(Translation: “I’m so sorry son. I wanted to protect you like I couldn’t with the other thing (coach). I hope one day you can forgive me”)

Roy felt his eyes filling with tears. He took a deep breath, trying not to cry but a few tears managed to slip down his cheeks. Judging by his mother’s voice, he knew she was crying too.

“Please tell Shane I’m sorry.”

“You’re on speaker mom. He’s listening to you.”

“Hello Mrs. Haylock,” he said quietly.

“Shane. I want to apologize for all the despair I may have caused. I didn’t handle things the right way and I understand that now. I know you two didn’t understand my reasons at the time and maybe you still don’t but you will when you become parents.”

When Shane didn’t answer, Roy glanced at him and saw him staring at the ground, his eyes shining with tears.

Shane blinked when he felt Roy’s hand on his giving him a gentle squeeze. He opened his mouth to say something but the only thing that came out was a sob and suddenly the tears he had been trying to keep at bay were now spilling down his cheeks.

“Mom, I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

He wrapped his arms around his childhood friend, letting him cry on his chest, shedding a few tears of his own as he ran his hand through Shane’s hair in what he hoped was a soothing manner. Shane’s tears were soaking his shirt but he didn’t care. It felt so good to have him back in his arms after so many years.

After a while he felt the trembles and sobs stop and Shane’s breathing returned back to normal before he pulled back.

“I’m sorry for that… everything I had pushed to the back of my mind came rushing back.”

“It’s okay,” Roy shrugged.

“I’m sorry for being an asshole earlier.”

“It hurt that you thought I’d ignore you,” Roy said. “I loved you…how could you ever doubt that?”

“As the days passed by I started second guessing everything. I thought that me saying I loved you all the time pressured you into saying it back.”

“You know I don’t say things I don’t mean.”

Shane nodded as tears filled his eyes again. He blinked rapidly trying to stop them from falling. “God, what is wrong with me? I can’t stop crying”

Roy took his hand and squeezed gently. “Why don’t we put this whole mess behind us and start fresh?”

“I’d like that.” Shane threw his arms around Roy’s neck and hugged him tightly. The movement took Roy by surprise but he hugged his old friend back, burying his face in Shane’s neck, inhaling his scent.

As they pulled back Roy saw Shane’s gaze fall to his lips. Impulsively, Roy leaned down and kissed him. It was slow at first, testing the waters. Giving Shane the chance to stop him. When he didn’t Roy licked Shane’s lips and Shane parted his mouth, granting entrance. Roy slid his tongue inside, tasting the fruity cocktail he drank earlier. Shane’s hands were pulling at his hair and Roy bit his bottom lip hard, earning a groan from him.

Suddenly, Shane came back to his senses and pushed Roy away. He quickly jumped to his feet trying to get some distance between them.

When he looked back at Roy he saw a mix of hurt and confusion in his eyes.

“I’m sorry… I can’t do this. I have a boyfriend.”

“I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

“It’s not that… I just…”

“It’s fine Shane.” Roy lied. “You don’t have to explain anything to me.”

Shane sighed. He knew things were far from fine but he didn’t know what else to say.

“I really need a drink.”

“Let’s go back to the club. First round is on me”

*****

Once they were back at The Abbey, they sat by the bar with Adore.

“What the hell is going on? Where were you?”

Roy told him a short version of their story minus a few details like the kiss.

“Fuck. I can’t believe you were THAT guy?! Man…we hated you.” Adore laughed. “Sorry.”

Roy shrugged, taking a big gulp of his beer. “So… have you chosen a date yet?” he asked, trying to change the subject to something safe.

“No, but we want it to be soon.”

“Well, we need to start planning then. We have so much to do.” Shane said, already in party planning mode.

Roy tuned out from the conversation, just nodding and making sounds of agreement when it seemed appropriate as he downed his beer and ordered another.

He took the opportunity to study Shane. Obviously, he had aged, it had been almost twenty years since the last time they saw each other, but his face was pretty much the same as he remembered. His tank top and tight skinny jeans showed his lean, defined body and he really liked what he saw. He had also noticed that his Australian accent was back in full force and it was the cutest thing.

When he tuned back to the conversation they were still talking about the wedding.

“Justin and I will go to see some venues tomorrow.”

“Ace!” Shane smiled.

“That’s so Aussie,” Adore laughed.

Roy arched an eyebrow at Shane and he said, “That’s something these whackers started.”

“She’s always using Aussie slang and she can’t seem to get that she’s back in America so Willam, Lasky and I call her out that way.”

Roy was laughing at their childish behavior when someone joined them, hugging Shane from behind.

“Oh my god, Diego!” he squealed, “What are you doing here?“

“Hi babe. I got off of work early and thought I could come see my favorite person in the world. Hi, Adore.” The guy glanced at Roy, giving him a charming grin.

“Diego, this is my friend from New York, Bianca.”

He nodded at Roy, showing off straight white teeth and dimples, then pulled Shane closer, kissing his neck.

Shane stiffened and looked at Roy who had focused on his drink.

The song changed and Shane took the chance to get away from the palpable tension.

“I love this song. Let’s dance. Please. Please?” He grabbed Diego’s hand and dragged him to the dance floor.

Roy looked at the couple dancing and studied Diego. The guy looked as if Shane had taken him out of a fashion magazine. His wavy brown hair was trimmed perfectly on top of his oval face with defined cheekbones and full lips. He had olive skin that made his blue eyes pop as he gazed at Shane with adoration. He was about twice Shane’s size with a muscular body and Roy understood why Shane had pushed him away. Diego was everything he wasn’t and never would be.

Diego looked up and noticed Roy watching them. He raised an eyebrow then focused back on Shane. He took his chin between his fingers and kissed him softly.

Roy looked away, feeling a wave of nausea wash over him. He beckoned the bartender and ordered a double shot, downing it quickly before he ordered another.

The bartender arched an eyebrow at him and he growled, “Keep them coming.”


	15. 2014 - February, continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Roy attempt to rebuild their friendship. Did we mention the word “attempt”…?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Rating: Teen, for language and adult themes
> 
> Warnings: gay slurs (as used in Bianca’s act)

Roy woke up, his head pounding, as his phone vibrated loudly on the nightstand. He picked it up and saw that it was Adore, croaking out, “Hello?”

“Heyyyy bitch. How are you doing?”

Roy groaned.

“That good, huh?”

“Fuck. How much did I drink? I never get fucking hangovers anymore,” Roy complained.

“I mean, it was a lot. But understandable, considering. That is NUTS about you and Courtney. Or, Shane. Are you okay?”

Roy paused. Should he tell him? “Yeah. I’ll…be fine.”

“I’ve never seen either of you that shaken up. You know for years I literally knew you as the dickhead dreamkiller who crushed his soul. It sort of makes sense now.”

“Danny…”

“Oh my god. You’re boy-naming me? What’s the matter?”

“I am a fucking idiot.”

Danny laughed. “You’re like the smartest person I know, so I really hope that’s not true.”

“I kissed him.”

“Whoa…did he kiss you back? What happened?”

“I…I guess he sort of did, at first. But then he pushed me away, and told me…I feel like an asshole. Do you know his boyfriend?”

“Diego? Yeah, I know Diego. But…why would that be a problem?”

“Why the fuck WOULDN’T it be a problem?”

“Well, it’s an open relationship. Shane doesn’t really do monogamy.”

Roy’s blood turned to ice. “Oh. Well…he said…”

“Shit. Maybe…uh, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry. I was just surprised.”

Roy’s mind reeled. He didn’t know how to feel, or what to think. If Shane was in an open relationship, why did he use Diego as an excuse to stop kissing him? Unless…maybe he didn’t want to kiss him in the first place. But Roy could swear that he seemed into it. So…fuck. Nothing made sense.

“Also I may have…kind of…invited him to our drinks tonight.”

“What?!”

“Sorry, I know! But he wants to get to know you better, and last night was such a mess, and I thought maybe he’d forget but he texted me about it this morning. He sounds excited.”

“Fuck.”

*****

Roy had an early gig, hosting a Drag Bingo, and then changed slowly, dreading the rest of the evening. He knew that he’d have to get used to seeing Shane on a regular basis, but couldn’t help the deep discomfort that made his stomach churn and his muscles tense.

Despite his dawdling, he was the first one to arrive at K-24. He got a text from Danny that he was “on the way.” He prayed that Danny at least got there before Shane. He still didn’t know how he felt about being alone with him.

Roy did a double-take at the door when a stunning blonde girl breezed in and broke out into a big smile, heading towards him. When she got closer, his mouth dropped open.

“Miss me?” Shane said, tossing his wavy blonde hair over his shoulder and fluttering his eyelashes. He slid into the booth.

“Holy shit, you are…damn.”

“I know, I know, I’m much prettier as a girl than I am as a boy,” Shane laughed. “I’ve finally accepted it.”

“Well,” Roy smirked, “I wouldn’t go that far. But…you know, it’s close.”

Shane giggled.

“So. Anyway. Hi.” Roy took a sip of water, suddenly finding his throat a little dry.

“Hello,” Shane replied.

“I…uh…I’m sorry about last night. To be honest, I don’t quite remember much.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I’m…I’m sorry too, if I…”

“You’re forgiven,” Roy proclaimed grandly.

“So…Bianca del Rio, huh?”

Roy chuckled. “Yep. And Courtney Act,” Roy pronounced the name slowly, exaggerating Caught-in-the-Act, shaking his head. “You always did have the cheesiest sense of humor. Remember how you laughed for 4 days at the muffin joke?”

Shane burst out laughing. “Come on, that’s the best joke ever.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I still remember the Spanish version, too,” Shane giggled.

Roy shook his head. “You’re crazy.”

Shane fluttered his lashes.

“So…I’m guessing your boyfriend thinks I’m an asshole.”

“No, of course he doesn’t,” Shane shook his head.

“Are you sure? If I was him and someone tried to kiss you, I’d knock them sideways.”

Shane pursed his lips and twirled some hair around his fingers. The fringe of feathery lashes made his green eyes brighter, and his pale pink lip gloss shimmered slightly. It was still Shane, but somehow…more. Like Shane with the volume turned up to 11. Roy couldn’t stop staring at him. In the nick of time before things got awkward, Danny bustled in, apologizing for being late. Shane moved over to let him into the booth as a waiter approached them.

He set two more waters down and gave Shane a knowing look. “Hey Courtney.”

“Hi…” Shane racked his brain.

“Devon,” offered the waiter, rolling his eyes slightly.

“Right.”

“You guys ready or do you need a few minutes?”

Danny jumped in with, “Let’s get a round of Strawberry Fields to start off. We’ll order in a few.”

“You got it,” Devon said, sashaying away. “Bye Courtney.”

“Bye Derek.”

“It’s Devon,” chimed Roy and Danny at the same time.

“Oops,” Shane whispered.

“Another one in your trail of tears?” asked Danny, then turned to Roy and explained, “Courtney gets around. Gay boys, straight boys, they all want to fuck her–OW! Bitch, why are you pinching me?!”

Shane glared at Danny and huffed under his breath. “Stop spreading my business around.”

“Oh, suddenly you don’t want to talk about your amazing sex life? Since when?”

Roy bit his lip to keep from laughing. Obviously Shane had grown up a lot in the years since he’d seen him last. “It’s okay, Shane.”

“It’s not like Adore says. It’s more…I just, I believe in free love. Polyamory.”

“Uh-huh.”

Shane cringed, remembering how he pushed Roy away with the excuse of having a boyfriend. He lowered his eyes, then looked up timidly and gave Roy a sheepish smile, cheeks darkening. Danny glanced from Roy, gazing at him intently, to Shane, who looked more demure and bashful than he’d ever seen him. “I mean, Diego and I are basically monogamous, when we’re both in LA.”

Danny couldn’t resist teasing him. “What about that guy from Rage who gave you–”

“I said BASICALLY, Adore!” Shane snapped, eyes flashing.

Danny giggled. “I wasn’t trying to slut-shame you, Court. Bianca’s kind of a whore, too, you know.”

It was Roy’s turn to scoff at Danny, irritated.  

Shane perked up a little. “You have sex in drag?”

“GOD, no!” Roy exclaimed, and Danny laughed. At Shane’s expression, Roy softened a little. “I mean, no, it’s just…Bianca is not…I’m not trying to be pretty, or sexy, in drag. I’m like…I’m a clown. I can’t do that.” He gestured to Shane.

“Gotcha,” Shane leaned forward and tongued his straw, keeping his eyes on Roy the whole time.

Danny covered his mouth with his hand to smother a giggle, watching Roy sweat and pant through parted lips. He looked like a cartoon character with heart eyes and tongue lolling on the floor.

“Soooo…” Danny said slowly, “About my bachelor party…”

*****

Roy was nervous doing his makeup. Something he hadn’t felt for a very long time. Shane was coming to the show tonight with Adore and Alaska. And to make things worse, he was bringing Diego. (GAG!) Detox leaned over his makeup table to steal a sponge and knocked over a can of hairspray, which in turn pushed a jar of powder off the surface and into Roy’s lap.

“You fucking cunt!” Roy gasped.

“Um. It has a lid. Calm down.” Detox picked up the hairspray and the powder and righted them. “Why are you so jumpy?”

“Nothing, sorry.”

“Alright…” Detox eyed him in the mirror, not buying it.

Roy sighed and swiped contour under his cheekbones, willing himself to get it together.

Once he was onstage, though, he began to feel better. It always amazed him when he could be more himself as Bianca than he could as Roy. Bianca was a fierce fucking bitch, a rude cunt, Roy’s fantasy of what it would be like to rule the world as a diva who took no shit from anyone. Bianca wasn’t in desperate love with her childhood crush. Bianca didn’t love anyone.  

Halfway through “her” act, she started to collect volunteers from the audience. She got an Asian woman, a black man, and then she called out, “Okay, now I need a fag bottom. Come on, West Hollywood, this is 90% of you, where are you?”

A real thirsty bitch in the front started waving his hand around. Ugh, he looked exhausting.

“Ho, I see you, but we already have an Asian. So calm down,” Bianca scoffed, then added, “Ironically, his last name actually is Ho.” Everyone laughed as she scanned the audience for her next victim. Her eyes locked with Shane’s. He shook his head slightly, both fear and glee in his eyes, as Bianca pointed a finger at him and beckoned him up. “Get up here.”

Adore shoved Shane towards him, clapping her hands excitedly. Shane climbed up onto the stage and stood beside Bianca.

“So some of you might recognize this cunt, because when he’s not being a big old whore bottom, he’s wearing a light dusting of powder and a wig and performing as his even bigger whore alter ego, Courtney Act. She’s like totally famous in Australia.”

Shane simpered at the audience. “Come see me next Monday at Revolver–”

“Yeah, yeah, shameless plug. Now what I don’t understand is, why you have so many straight female fans. Straight bitches…listen up…he’s going to steal your husband! And I promise you, no matter how loose his asshole might be, it is still tighter than your pussy.”

“You know, I’m not strictly a bottom,” Shane said, tossing imaginary hair off his shoulder.

“Oh yeah?” Roy mocked him, imitating the hair toss. “Listen, slut, fucking a girl in high school doesn’t count.”

“I topped last week!” Shane cried indignantly. Diego winked from the audience.

Bianca winced and then covered it up by feigning disgust. “Stand up, Diego,” she ordered, and he rose to his feet. She put her hands on her hips and turned to Shane. “You topped him? He’s twice your fucking size. At least.”

“Well, I did,” Shane tongue popped.

Bianca raised one eyebrow almost to her hairline. “Yeah, and what was that like?”

“Um…a bit like a pomeranian fucking a rottweiler,” Shane admitted.

Bianca cackled and put her arm around Shane’s shoulders. She motioned for Diego to sit down. “We’re done with you, Mary. Your 15 seconds of fame is over. Sit,” she instructed. She then announced to the audience, “I have to be honest, my friend Shane here and I go way back. We were friends in elementary school.”

“Awww!” came from the audience.

Bianca shook her head. “Shut up. No, but I knew him growing up, and he loved to sing and dance and play dress up and all those faggy things, but the fucking gayest thing he EVER did…”

A look of mild dread washed over Shane’s face.

“…was when he tried, for just one season, don’t worry…to play baseball.”

Shane doubled over laughing.

“I mean this kid…” Bianca imitated Shane mincing around the bases, hands fluttering. She put her arm back around Shane. “Your daddy was so proud.”

Shane wiped tears from his eyes, unable to stop giggling. “He did buy me ballet shoes a few months later.”

Bianca pressed a kiss to his cheek, leaving a huge red mark, and murmured under her breath, “You look relieved. What did you think I was gonna say?”

“I thought you’d talk about the treehouse,” Shane admitted quietly.

“That’s in the vault,” Bianca said, winking, a mischievous glint in her eye, then added loudly, “Go sit down, fag,” with an affectionate little shove, gesturing to the chairs behind her. Shane fluttered his eyelashes and did as he was told. “Now! Last one…I need a big butch dyke. Any dykes here tonight besides the DJ?”

*****

Roy emerged from the dressing room in a tank top and shorts, and made his way to the couches where his friends sat. Normally he would have left his makeup on, but tonight he’d carefully removed it. Only a trace of eyeliner was still present on his face.

Shane watched him out of the corner of his eye. His smooth tan skin stood out against the bright white of his tank top. He was compact but well-defined, and Shane shifted uncomfortably, aware that the hammering in his chest was not from Diego’s hand on his waist. He averted his eyes, focusing back on Diego.

“Hey chola! Great set tonight!” Adore grabbed Roy’s hand and pulled him down.

“Thanks,” Roy said, his eyes glued to Shane, who hadn’t noticed him, since Diego was whispering something in his ear, causing his eyes to dance with laughter. Roy’s skin felt hot and itchy. He looked away, over to Detox, and nodded at her. “That new Nicki number is pretty badass.”

“Thanks B! I’m glad you’re over your crankiness,” quipped Detox, handing him a cocktail from the bottle service.

He rolled his eyes and sipped on the drink. A gentle kick caused him to turn his head, and Shane smiled down at him. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Shane replied.

“What…uh, what did you think?”

Shane sat down next to him. “Now I know why Danny is obsessed with Bianca del Rio.”

Roy chuckled. “Because she has questionable taste?”

“No! You’re amazing up there. And not just because of how funny you are, but…I don’t know, it’s like you command the stage.”

“Well, I’ve always been a loudmouth bitch.”

Shane rolled his eyes. “Will you knock it off and just accept a damn compliment?”

“Sorry. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Shane put a hand on his shoulder and dropped his voice down low. “She’s a little scary looking though.”

Roy burst out laughing. “That’s called ‘beauty.’ Don’t be jealous.” He felt Shane’s fingers against his skin and tried not to squirm.

Shane grinned, wondering how long he could touch him before it would get weird. His palm began to get a little sweaty.

“And thanks for being such a good sport, by the way.”

Shane’s fingers moved lightly against his skin. “It was fun. Being on stage together.”

Roy swallowed. He knew that it was wrong to feel this turned on. They were supposed to be rebuilding a friendship. But another part of Roy felt something…something like relief. All of these years, when Roy thought of Shane, it had been accompanied by deep guilt that grew as he got older. Every year, the age gap between Roy and the twelve year old in his head widened, making him feel sick and dirty, like that child molesting asshole in _Lolita_. How could he be 19…24…30, and still think about Shane? But seeing him now, he was assured that it was SHANE he’d always been obsessed with, not the fact that he was young or innocent or naive. For the first time since he was ten years old, he felt cleansed of the nagging guilt over what he always worried was some kind of perversion. He gazed at this glowing, radiant man in front of him, knowing that his feelings might be misguided or unrequited, but at least they were no longer immoral. God, he was so fucking perfect. And the way Shane looked back at him, with bright eyes and an open energy that warmed his heart, he found himself thinking that maybe…maybe all hope wasn’t lost.

A deep voice snapped them out of their fog. “You wanna dance?”

Shane looked up at Diego, surprised. “You hate dancing.”

“Yeah, but, you love it. And I love you,” he winked. “Please come.”

“Oh, VOMIT,” Roy said, and Shane laughed. “Sorry, was that out loud?” He batted his lashes innocently. Diego’s eyes appeared to darken at him for a split second, and then his attention was back to Shane.

Shane giggled again and held his hand out to Diego. “I mean, I’m not gonna say no to a cheesy proposal like that!”

Diego smiled and put his arms around Shane, kissing his neck. Roy really thought he might throw up, and rolled his eyes in an exaggerated way. Shane followed Diego to the dance floor, glancing back at Roy just once, just for a split second, just enough to make Roy’s heart hammer like crazy.

 

**Bonus: The Muffin Joke (The cheesy joke that Shane used to laugh at when they were kids)** ****

(Spanish) _Hay dos pasteles en el horno. El primer pastel le dice al segundo, “Ay ay ay, hace mucho  
calor, verdad?” El segundo pastel responde, “AY DIOS MÍO, UN PASTEL QUE HABLA!!!!!!”_

(English) Two muffins are in the oven. The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says, “Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just me?” The second muffin replies, “AUUUUGH!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!”


	16. 2014 - March - April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane is starting to feel the tension. Danny and Justin are having trouble adulting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Rating: Explicit

_Roy’s bedroom looked different. Smaller. And Roy looked different. He wasn’t thirteen, he was an adult, in the same white tank top he’d been wearing last night, with the same slender, surprisingly toned shoulders. He sat on his bed, looking at Shane with a slightly tortured expression._

_“You…really want this?”_

_Shane wasn’t twelve either. He was himself, with all of the feelings surging through his body that he’d felt the last time he was in that bedroom. He touched Roy’s face, brushing his lips against Roy’s softly, tasting the sweetness of his plush mouth._

_Shane gripped the scruff of Roy’s shirt and pressed their lips together harder, slipping his tongue into Roy’s mouth. His entire body was alive and tingling. He swung a leg over and straddled Roy on the bed, grinding down against him._

This is the part where Aida comes in _, Shane thought, bouncing a little on Roy’s lap, trying to make the most of their last few moments together. He’d relived this scene in his head so many times. He knew exactly when Aida was supposed to burst through the door._

_But as their kiss deepened, tongues tangled together, Roy’s hands sliding into his pants, no one opened the door. His body started to relax and then before he knew it, their shirts were tossed to the floor, pressed chest to chest, hands wandering, not able to get enough of Roy’s smooth tan skin. Roy’s arms wrapped around him protectively, and he whimpered against his mouth, bearing down against him._

_Roy leaned forward, laying him down onto his back and pulling off his bottoms in one fluid motion. And then a hot, wet mouth against him. He whimpered again, arching up, desperate for more, aching for him. He yanked on Roy’s pants and then suddenly he was there, filling him up, hands on his waist, on his face, lips sucking on his neck, pumping into him._

_Shane began to moan, trying to stay quiet at first but then as Roy thrusted over and over, he lost control and gave in to the moment. He dug his fingers deep into Roy’s ass cheeks, ankles locked around his waist, crying out for more._

_The first wave hit him and his body began to quake, muscles contracting, sweat dripping down and causing their skin to become slippery. He came hard, staring into Roy’s beautiful brown eyes, and then it felt like he blacked out from the sheer pleasure of it all…_

He woke up with a jolt, the fullness the first thing he was aware of as he opened his eyes. His dick was in his hand and covered in his own release, but there was something else. Then as he woke up completely, he realized that Diego was inside him, thrusting into him vigorously. He could tell by the rhythm that Diego was on the edge, and swallowed his conflicted feelings, letting his boyfriend finish, stroking his back.

Diego collapsed next to him, panting. Shane turned to the side to face away from him, ignoring the strange sensation he had of being somehow…he couldn’t even name the feeling. Violated? That was too strong. Arms circled Shane’s body, a face kissed his neck.

“God, that was incredible,” Diego murmured.

Shane couldn’t deny that it was incredible. Well, part of it anyway. He nodded. “What…I was sleeping. What happened?”

Diego chuckled. “You started rubbing against me, moaning and whimpering, you wanton little slut.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Shane normally liked that kind of dirty talk, but tonight it made him feel hollow.

“Are you kidding me? I don’t know why, but that was the best it’s ever been. You’re so fucking hot,” he said.

Shane suddenly didn’t want to talk anymore. He just wanted to be held. So he snuggled back against Diego, and pulled his muscular arms tighter around him.

“Awww, honey. I love you,” said Diego, burying his face in Shane’s hair.

*****

They sat across from each other at the small, dark booth. Shane fidgeted and looked into Danny’s eyes beseechingly. “Can I tell you something, and will you promise not to repeat it to ANYONE, even Justin?”

“Of course, boo,” Danny promised. “Don’t worry, there’s a lot I don’t tell Justin. Mostly about weed smoking but still.”

Shane threw up his hands. “Don’t make me laugh! This is serious!”

“Okay, okay, sorry.” Danny put down his phone and looked Shane square in the eye.

“I kind of maybe…had a sex dream about Roy.”

Danny tried not to react. “Was it good?”

“Ridiculously good. Like…ugh.” Shane placed his hands on his cheeks, distressed.

“You do realize that all you’d have to do is beckon your little finger and he’d come RUNNING, right? I don’t think he ever got over you.” Danny cocked one eyebrow, taking a sip of his drink.

“That’s the problem. I’m not…I’m not the same person I was. I don’t think he really wants me, I think he wants that lovestruck twelve year old.”

Danny grimaced. “Well…that’s kind of gross and molest-y.”

“No, not like…fuck you, Danny. I just mean, I was this innocent, sweet kid, and that’s the person he loved, the person he remembers. And now…”

“And now you’re a haggard, cynical, bitter bitch?”

“Basically.” Shane stirred his water with his straw, watching the ice cubes swirl around.

Danny rolled his eyes. “Shane. I don’t think he expects you to be the same person you were when you were twelve. He’s not dumb. He knows that people change.”

“I just…I can’t really explain to him, the extent to which it DESTROYED me when I never heard from him. And I know, well now I know, it’s not his fault. But even so…it’s like I get that he was a victim of the whole thing too, like on an intellectual level. But emotionally, he is still the guy who ripped my heart out. And I can’t…I don’t know what I’m talking about.” Shane’s eyes looked far away.

“Maybe you should be talking to him about this.”

“Are you crazy?” Shane cried, horrified, “I can’t! That would be…so unfair.”

Danny bit into a dinner roll and spoke with his mouth full, “Do you want me to talk to him?”

“If you utter a word of this, I will kill you with my bare hands.”

“Okay, okay. So…does that mean you don’t want to hear about how big his dick is?”

“No!”

“Really, cause it’s pretty legendary.”

Shane covered his face with his hands and whimpered. “Why are you the fucking worst?”

Danny threw back his head and laughed. “I mean, I know you already saw it, but I’m guessing he hadn’t reached his full potential when he was, what, thirteen?”

Shane rolled his eyes. “I never saw his dick.”

“Or, okay, felt it.”

Shane shook his head, “Nope.”

Danny furrowed his brow in confusion. “How did you fuck him without seeing or feeling his dick?”

“Uh. I didn’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t fuck him when I was twelve. Why in god’s name do you think I did?”

“You said! That you had sleepovers and that you…fooled around and…I don’t know. Fuck. I could’ve sworn you said to you fucked him.”

“I mean, we did fool around. He gave me my first handjob.” Shane bit his lip.

“Are you blushing right now?!” Danny cried, delighted.

“Shut up, Danny.”

“Oh my god, this is amazing. You know, all these years I thought you were this sexual prodigy, losing it at twelve.”

“Nope. Sorry to disappoint you. I was eighteen.”

Danny shook his head. “Still, a handjob at twelve is pretty admirable.”

Shane broke off a piece of a dinner roll and chucked it at Danny’s face.

Danny ducked out of the way and then said, “Hey, Shane…”

“Yeah?”

He grinned, holding his hands apart, indicating a healthy dick size.

Shane’s cheeks darkened and he covered his face. “Stop it, you little cunt!”

*****

“Do we really need a registry?” Danny sighed, leaning on Justin’s shoulder. “This doesn’t seem very punk rock, you guys.”

Shane laughed, guiding them both down the aisle of Bed, Bath and Beyond. “Yeah, you guys have like 2 plates and 4 bongs in your kitchen cabinets.”

Justin giggled. “That’s ‘cause we’re never HOME.” He wielded the scanner in his hands like a ray gun.

“If we want a home cooked meal, we’ll just go to my mom’s house. Or Bianca’s!” Danny said brightly.

“I didn’t move from New York to be your personal chef, asshole,” Roy said.

Danny scratched his head. “You didn’t? What a bummer.”

“Idiot. How about a set of pans? This one comes with a free potholder.”

Justin grabbed him by the hand. “Ooh, pasta makers! Come over here!” He pulled Danny over, scanning various non-essentials.

Roy shook his head. “Those two are fucking hopeless.”

Shane smiled. “They’re pretty cute, though. Let them play for awhile. I promise we won’t let them leave without scanning at least a few normal things.”

“Deal.”

They began walking in the other direction, giving the happy couple some space.

“So, how have you been?” Roy asked. “I haven’t seen you for awhile.”

“I did that cruise, and then I had some corporate gigs. They aren’t as much fun as clubs, but they pay pretty well.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Asian businessmen really love Courtney.” Shane grinned mischievously.

Roy laughed. “I’ll bet they do.” He absentmindedly picked up a candle and smelled it, then winced. The vanilla was sickly and overpowering.

Shane ducked behind another shelf and emerged a second later with a wicked smirk on his face. “Guess what I found?” he sang softly.

“I’m afraid to ask,” Roy responded.

Shane walked up to him and held up a small plastic bottle, eyes glittering with naughty glee. Mango lotion. “I didn’t know they sold lube here.”

Roy opened his mouth to speak, but then got flustered by Shane opening the bottle and inhaling the scent, eyes closed, lips parted.

“Fuck, that’s good…” he breathed.

Roy could feel the blood rushing to parts of his body where it shouldn’t be. Not on a friendly wedding-registry outing. On a Wednesday afternoon. He snatched the bottle out of Shane’s hands. “Would you…knock it off, please?”

“Sorry,” Shane said, looking not the slightest bit sorry. He bit his lip, eyes still locked with Roy’s.

“You’re as bad as Adore and Alaska. Where are they, anyway?”

“Back that way,” Shane gestured with his head.

“Great.” Roy turned and began walking.

Shane waited a beat and then hurried to catch up. “I…Roy, I’m sorry. I was just fucking around.”

Roy nodded.

“I mean, it was almost 20 years ago, but that scent still gets me…you know…”

“Really? That’s what does it for you? Shitty mango lotion?”

Shane laughed. “Yeah, well. It’s the sense memory, I guess. Don’t you have any?”

They rounded the corner, saw Danny and Justin laying on one of the display beds, hitting each other with throw pillows. Roy stopped. He didn’t really want to continue the current conversation, but on the other hand, he didn’t want to intrude. He felt a little like a caged animal. He looked over at Shane, at his big green eyes, and cleared his throat. “Um…I dunno…maybe…”

“Yeah? Tell me.” Shane stepped closer, putting a hand on his shoulder, and pouted, “Please….”

“Cheeto dust,” Roy admitted, averting his eyes. “Y’know, when it gets all…sticky…” He could feel Shane’s eyes still glued to him, dancing in that gleeful, irritating way, and his cheeks burned with embarrassment. He shook the smaller man off of his arm. “Whatever, shut up!” he exclaimed, and then walked forward, calling out to Danny and Justin. “Hey, fuckfaces! Time to get serious! Pots, pans, dishes! I’m in charge now!”

“Ooh, yeah, take charge, Daddy!” Danny said, fluttering his lashes, sprawling out on the bed. Justin giggled.

Roy glanced at Shane, who flashed a bright smile, pulling on Danny’s hair. “Knock it off and listen, Danny!”

“Well, this is a fantasy come true,” Danny remarked, as Justin doubled over laughing.


	17. 2014 - April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy gets Caught in the Act, the guys attempt menswear, and Vanessa comes to LA for a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Rating: Explicit

Roy had seen Courtney a few times in the month since reconnecting with Shane, but it was the way he blushed crimson at the mention of one of his music videos that made Roy curious enough to finally go down the rabbit hole of Courtney Act videos on youtube.

And…holy shit. Some of them were typical Shane, being goofy and adorable as fuck, often with Willam or Adore or some other random queens. There were professional reels and Courtney shilling makeup on a cheesy Australian morning show. But it was the music videos that really did it.

How was he so fucking BEAUTIFUL? And why was the sight of this dazzling blonde bombshell making him feel so many things? He’d never in his life been attracted to a woman. But Courtney was…well, she was Shane. Shane’s wicked smirk, and Shane’s bedroom eyes, and Shane’s responsive body arching with pleasure and tilting his head tantalizingly. He replayed the end of “Rub Me Wrong” about eight times, his abdomen tightening more every time Shane licked his lips and winked at the camera.

It was during “Body Parts” when he was finally so rock hard and flushed that he couldn’t take it anymore. The first time he watched it, he was simply enthralled, palming himself lightly, but the second time, the instant he heard Shane’s seductive whisper, ( _Hey, what are you up to? I need you to come over. I’ve got something to show you…_ ) he slipped a hand into his underwear and began to touch himself. Slowly at first, gently fondling his balls and imagining those lips on him, that tongue. Oh god, that tongue.

He stroked his dick, staring at the screen, watching Shane just ooze sex. The expression on his face, looking like he was about to come, kept making Roy’s eyes roll back. What he wouldn’t give to put that expression on Shane’s face, even just once. He played the video a third time.

The words were so evocative that Roy’s mind spun in a million different directions. Soon, without realizing it, he was jerking off furiously, moaning and panting and watching the images of Shane flicker over the screen. In that harness, the boots, even the closeup of his perfect face caused Roy’s dick to throb.

As the video ended again, Roy pushed his computer away and leaned back against the pillows, pumping harder, squeezing his eyes shut. He had a flash of Shane hovering over him on all fours, and swore he could feel Shane’s perfect ass in his hands, taste his sweet mouth on his tongue. In all the years, he’d never allowed himself to imagine actual penetration, because in his mind, Shane was still so young and so innocent. But now, all bets were off, and his mind exploded with the fantasy of ploughing into him over and over, making them both come so hard that their minds empty of everything but each other.

Roy was not usually vocal, especially when he was alone, but by the time he came, he was moaning so loudly and the bed was shaking so hard that he thought someone might call the police. In the last second before he blew, he stopped moving his hand and simply squeezed his cock, imagining Shane clenched around him. As his release soaked his pajama bottoms, he let go and felt his body go slack, chest heaving.

He curled to the side, hugging a pillow, the reality of the situation hitting him like a ton of bricks. The love of his life was with someone else. Someone he could never live up to. And he just jacked off watching him dressed up as a woman. What in god’s name was wrong with him?

*****

Roy woke up the next day to the sound of his cell vibrating on the side table. He reached over and answered it groggily.

_“Hey, what are you up to?”_ Shane said.

At the sound of those words, Roy had a kind of Pavlovian response, feeling his dick get hard immediately. Fuck. “Um, not….much.” He cleared his throat.

_“Okay, well if you have some time today, I need you to come over. I have something to show you.”_

Roy’s stomach lurched. His hand went involuntarily to his crotch and his breathing quickened.

_“Roy? Hello? Aww, I guess you’re still not a morning person,”_ Shane giggled.

Roy’s vision was blurry with lust, but he managed to croak out, “No…uh, I’ll call you in a bit. Gonna…jump in the shower.”

_“Great, let me know. I have a bunch of ideas for Danny’s bachelor weekend and I think it will be easier to show them to you in person. I’m running errands for an hour or so, but then I’ll be home until about three.”_

“Okay. Bye.”

Roy hung up and flopped back onto the pillows, his heart pounding in his throat.

*****

Roy exited the dressing room, an uncertain expression on his face. Shane’s mouth went dry at the sight of him. He was so fucking handsome, and his adorable insecurity made him even more so. Shane wanted to launch himself at him then and there. He swallowed hard.

“Heyyyyy, look at you, hottie!” Danny said.

“I don’t…I think the collar is messed up.”

Shane stood and helped him fix the collar, fingers brushing against the back of his neck. “There, that…that’s better.”

“You sure I look okay?” Roy fingered the cuffs.

“Yeah, you look…you look…”

“You look sexy as fuck,” Danny offered.

“It’s crazy, I never wear formal menswear. I have no idea what I’m supposed to look like.” He laughed nervously.

Shane chuckled along with him. “I know what you mean. They’re gonna have to take in this jacket all over or I’ll look like a 6 year old. Maybe I should be a ring bearer instead.”

Roy doubled over laughing. “You’d be a perfect ring bearer, Shane. Perfect.”

“Or a flower girl,” said Danny.

Shane blew a raspberry at Danny. “How dare you question my strapping masculinity, Danny!” He pranced over to a rack of ties. “So we’re wearing pink ties, yes?”

*****

Shane stood at Roy’s door, holding a bottle of Rosé, shifting nervously. He took a deep breath and then knocked. After a few moments, the door was flung open and arms wrapped him up into a warm hug. “Shanie!”

“Hey Nessa!” Shane said, hugging her back tightly.

“Jesus Christ,” Roy said from the foyer. “Are you crying, Nessa? What the fuck?”

“Shut UP, Roy!” Vanessa pulled back, holding Shane by the shoulders, looking at his face. Tears were streaked down her cheeks. “I can’t believe you’re all grown up,” she sniffled.

Shane could feel himself tearing up as well. “Aw, Nessa…”

“Goddammit…” Roy said, turning around and walking back into the apartment. “Feel free to come in when you’re done with this tear-soaked love fest!”

Vanessa put her hands on Shane’s cheeks. “Shane…” she said seriously, “I am seriously, I can’t even tell you, I’m so happy that you guys reconnected. Roy doesn’t know this, but I spent years trying to find you. I didn’t know…I didn’t know where you were. I thought you were in LA, so I was just like, looking in Los Angeles, but…fuck, Shane. I didn’t know how to use the internet back then, and I–I’m sorry.” Tears fell from her eyes again.

“Nessa, it’s not your fault,” Shane said. “I’m sorry. I should have tried harder.”

Vanessa shook her head. “You were just a little kid. I really…I honestly thought, for so long, that maybe something terrible happened to you. I tried not to think about it. I used to have nightmares.”

“Nessa, I’m sorry!”

She grabbed him again, hugging him tightly. “I’m so happy you’re okay. And you’re so handsome.”

“Seriously!” Roy barked. “Come eat this damn vegan lasagna!”

*

“She’s gorgeous!” Shane exclaimed, looking at pictures of Vanessa’s daughter. “She looks exactly like you!”

“She’s sassy, too. She’s like her Uncle Roy, unfortunately. And last week she found some videos of Bianca online. Hoo boy, are we in for some trouble.”

“Hey, Bianca is a great role model,” Roy defended himself. “A tough bitch who takes no crap.”

Vanessa shook her head. “For a 9 year old?”

“Yeah!”

“She asked me what a ‘faggot bottom’ was.”

“Just show her a picture of Shane,” Roy said.

“Dickhead.” Shane stuck his tongue out at Roy, who grinned mischievously.

Vanessa turned to Shane. “Oh my god, by the way. I am in LOVE with Courtney. I watched that video of ‘Ugly’…you are amazing.”

Shane smiled. “Thank you.”

“Roy said you did Australian Idol in drag…like the whole time, as Courtney. Is that true?”

“Yeah. I had to get up like 2 hours before the other girls and paint and like…transform, and basically live as a woman. It was nuts. And I’d only really been doing it for a few years. My first time in drag was when I was 18.”

“Well,” Vanessa said, “Actually. Your first time in drag was my communion dress.”

Shane laughed. “I forgot about that. Does that really count, though? I wasn’t wearing makeup.”

“You don’t wear makeup now,” Roy answered. Shane made a face at him.

Vanessa grinned. “I put lip gloss on you. Oh man, you were so pretty.”

“What I really want to know,” Shane started, hand under his chin, eyes sparkling, “is how Aida reacted the first time she saw Bianca…”

Vanessa looked at Roy. “There may have been threats of homicide.”

“Wholesome family fun,” Roy added.

“Yikes.”

“She’s cool now, though. Age has mellowed our crazy bitch of a mother.”

Shane chuckled. “Good to know.”

“What about Annette? She was the best. I’m assuming she was fully on board with Courtney from the start.”

“Oh yeah. Although, she wishes I wore more natural fibers, and she’s slightly miffed that I am supporting the objectification of women by buying into Eurocentric hetero-normative beauty standards.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. Dad loves it, though. So…”

“I thought drag was just like…a dude in a wig and a dress.”

“Times are changing,” Shane explained. He looked up at Roy, refilling his wine glass. “Thank you…”

*

“So…” Vanessa said, settling beside Roy on the couch, after Shane left. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Roy put his arm around her. “Well, that’s a rather loaded question, doncha think?”

Vanessa laughed. “I guess. But I mean, like, why the hell aren’t you guys together?”

“He’s got a boyfriend.”

“Really.”

“Yes, _really_.”

“That is a cop-out and you know it,” Vanessa said. “You guys totally want each other. Anyone with half a brain could see that. You’ve wanted each other since you were in grade school.”

Roy sighed. “What do you suggest I do, Vanessa? Throw him against a wall and rip his clothes off?”

“That’d be a start!”

“That may work in porn and romance novels, but this is real life.”

“Okay, fine, be miserable. That’s a much better plan.”

“Shut up,” Roy whimpered, resting his head on his sister’s shoulder.


	18. 2014 - May

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We head to Palm Springs for a Bachelor Weekend fraught with tension.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Rating: Teen

Danny and Justin opted for a joint bachelor weekend in Palm Springs, or as Justin described it, “We wanna take the gay bus to Gayville and just gay it the fuck uuuuuuuuup!”

“So…a lot of sports, then, right?” Roy asked.

“Totes,” Justin nodded, and Danny laughed hysterically.

*****

“Roy, what the fuck are you doing? No one cares about food!” Willam screeched, snatching a handle of tequila and pouring a bunch of shots.

The group was gathered in a big, beautiful home in Palm Springs that Shane had found. Justin’s brother, Cory, was making margaritas, and Roy was grilling up sausage and peppers, having already made giant bowls of pesto fusilli and fruit salad.

“Listen queen, if you literally eat nothing all day, I’m not holding your hair back while you puke,” he called back to Willam.

Shane leaned against the doorframe, watching them bicker back and forth, Roy trying to convince everyone to eat. For some reason, watching Roy play mother hen to the group was both amusing and bizarrely sexy. The way he took charge and cared for everybody was stirring something in Shane that he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“I’m on paleo,” Detox whined, “Can I have one without the roll? There’s so many carbs here.”

“I swear to christ, if one more of you motherfuckers says you’re on paleo, I’m gonna throw you in the fucking pool. Eat the fucking food on the fucking bread, and like it!” he barked, shoving a plate at Justin, who laughed and took it.

“Yes, Daddy,” Danny chirped, skipping over.

Shane smiled, biting his lip. He stepped outside and walked over. “Um, I don’t want to trigger another fit of rage here, but I’m a vegan,” he said, cowering behind Danny in pretend fear.

Roy sighed and looked up at the sky for a second, then held up a package of soy sausages. “I know. I got you covered.” Roy sliced open the package and added the soy sausages to the grill.

“You’re using the same spatula?” Shane asked, raising his eyebrows.

Roy shot him a nasty glare, and Shane burst out laughing.

“I’m kidding! Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Pain in the ass.” Roy shook his head, rolling his eyes, then looked up and met Shane’s eyes, unable to stop the dimples from appearing in his cheeks.

*****

Roy walked around the patio with a laundry basket, gathering wet towels from the ground so that he could toss them into the machine. He passed by Shane, who’d fallen asleep in one of the lounge chairs, and paused.

Shane’s cheeks were slightly pink from sitting in the sun all day, which was fucking adorable, but there was something else. Seeing him this way - no walls, unguarded, peaceful - it was the closest he’d come to looking like the boy Roy remembered. The boy with a heart so big and so open that love just radiated from him like sunshine.

Roy swallowed. He had the strongest urge to bend down and run a hand through his silky blonde hair, to press a kiss to that sweet mouth. Instead, he knelt down beside him and touched him gently on the arm. Shane started awake, and he murmured, “Hey. Sorry, I just thought you might not want to sleep in the sun too long. Even though it’s going down. You know. I don’t know if you’ve got sunscreen on.”

Shane smiled softly. “Oh…right. Thanks.”

“Thanks for not saying ‘Daddy’ like the groom to be.”

Shane laughed. “I told him that’s fucking weird.”

“No shit.” Roy winked and stood up, picking up a few more towels.

*****

Shane sat in the hot tub, trying not to look at Roy’s skin glistening in the evening light. Why were they alone? Where was Willam, calling him an asshole and slapping him? Where were the grooms?

Detox walked by, asking, “You guys want jello shots?”

“Why not,” Roy answered.

Shane cleared his throat, happy for the temporary distraction, and looked up at him. “No thanks.”

“You sure, Court?” Detox asked, handing one to Roy, who downed it and gestured for another.

“Uh, yeah. I don’t hold my liquor as well as the rest of you.”

“Afraid of what you might do?” Detox wondered, with a naughty glint in his eye.

“Something like that.” Shane chewed on his lip and forced a laugh.

“Well, let me know if you wanna find out,” he chuckled, walking away.

“Will do,” Shane said weakly to no one in particular.

“You alright?” Roy asked softly.

Shane nodded and looked away. Tried not to imagine what would happen if only he had the courage to hook his finger into the side of Roy’s bright red bathing suit and just pull. He closed his eyes. Fuck.

*****

“Hey, why are you all by yourself over here?” Shane asked, coming up behind Roy, putting a hand on his shoulder. Roy glanced back at him, shifting uncomfortably. The pounding bass and strobe lights were causing him to feel mildly claustrophobic, especially given how much he’d sobered up from earlier in the evening.

“Yeah. I’m fine. I just figured someone should keep an eye on him while he’s doing this crowd-surfing bullshit.” Roy gestured to Danny, who had once again dove off a platform into the sweaty, delirious crowd.

Shane giggled, swaying a little on the balls of his feet. “Oh, yeah, good idea.” He stepped a little closer as a huge dude dressed in leather squeezed behind him.

“You know, I mean…” Roy trailed off, unsure of what he wanted to say. Only knowing that he wanted Shane to stay close to him, to not let go.

Shane’s hand slid from Roy’s shoulder down his arm. He bit his lip, looking up at Roy with big, soft eyes.

Roy swallowed, unable to tear his eyes away from Shane’s. For a few moments, it felt like they were the only two people in the room.

And then, of course, the spell was broken. Danny slipped off Justin’s shoulders, and Willam grabbed Shane by the hand, dragging him back to the dance floor with a drunken scream of “Courtney, you fuckin slut, get back over here!” And suddenly it was back into the bachelor party mayhem all over again.

Shane glanced back over his shoulder at Roy, but by then he was busy helping Danny up, and by the time Roy looked for him, the crowd had swallowed him and Willam back up, too.

*****

“Tell Courtney she’s being a buzzkill!” Willam screeched, sitting on Shane’s thighs, attempting to pour a cocktail directly into his mouth. “Drink, goddammit!” Once they’d gotten back to the house, they’d decided to keep the party going, and were currently sprawled around the livingroom.

“I had enough! I’m already white girl wasted, Bill! Leave me aloooone!” Shane whimpered.

“Willam, come on. Let him be,” Roy said, flopping down next to them on the sofa.

“Ooh, Daddy’s mad at you Will! You’re in trouble now!” Detox slurred gleefully, causing Danny to shriek with laughter, burying his face in Justin’s neck.

“I’m so thrilled this Daddy shit is catching on.”

Shane giggled. “I can imagine you with kids someday, being like…” he affected a stern voice, “ _I told you, ‘Daddy’ is a filthy word, you are NEVER to call me that. You may call me ‘Father’ or ‘Sir’!_ ”

Justin burst out laughing. “Sir is kind of hot too, though.”

“Yeah, I could get down with Sir,” Danny agreed, giggling.

Roy let his head drop into Shane’s lap. “Thanks for this.”

“Sorry,” Shane said, laughing and running a hand lightly through his thick hair, until he caught himself and pulled it away, swallowing, looking everywhere but Roy.

“You guys are really fucked up…” Cory murmured from where he lay on the floor. “Sir is not sexy. As a marine.”

Roy gazed up at Shane, who was now pointedly avoiding eye contact.

“Anything you say in a marine uniform is sexy. Especially the kind with the tearaway pants,” Willam argued.

“Those are not regulation, Willam. Those are just for strippers.”

“Okay, well, those are my favorite, so why you gotta ruin it?”

Shane yawned. “I think I’m gonna turn in. I’m starting to feel a little–”

“Boo, you whore,” Willam said. “Just drink more, you’re fine.”

“Goodnight, Bill. I’ll try to save you some space in the bed.”

“That’s cute. As if I’m not just pushing you onto the floor the second I walk into the room.”

Shane kissed Willam on the forehead, who aggressively wiped it off like a child, punching him on the arm for good measure. He started to get up, gently moving Roy’s shoulders so that he could stand.

“Goodnight,” Roy said softly, sitting up.

“Goodnight.”

*****

Roy tossed and turned in his bed, desperate to quiet his racing mind, stomach in knots.

“Gurl, would you please stop? Some of us are still drunk and you’re making me fucking dizzy…” Detox slurred from the other side of the bed.

“Sorry.”

“S’alright…”

“Hey, De?” Roy swallowed, staring up at the ceiling fan turning in slow, lazy circles.

“Yeah?”

“Am I a total idiot?”

“Yes.” Detox answered without missing a beat. Even drunk and nearly asleep, you could always count on him to be a cunt.

Roy sighed.

“You need to get laid.”

“That’s not my problem, De. I just…I’m bored with casual sex. There’s gotta be more.”

“That’s really gay,” Detox said, laughing.

“Fuck off.”

“Just let it go, dude.”

“But…De…I was totally getting vibes from him all day.”

“Yeah, well, right. That’s the problem, B. He clearly wants to fuck you. So why hasn’t he? There’s obviously a reason. Maybe he’ll change his mind, but until then…I’m telling you, let it go.”

Roy pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders, letting out a groan of frustration.

“And if you’re gonna jerk off, don’t get it on the sheets.”

“Fuck you, Detox.”


	19. 2014 - June

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wedding Bells are ringing for Team Adore Delaska. But some people are feeling more celebratory than others…

At long last, the day of the wedding had arrived.

Danny wriggled in his seat, nervous and excited, as Shane attempted to tie his tie.

“Hold still!” Shane laughed. “Menswear isn’t my forte, and you’re not making this easy.”

“Sorry,” Danny giggled, pursing his lips in a kissyface, which Shane returned.

Roy sat down beside him. “So…you sure you’re ready?”

“Pretty sure,” Danny replied casually.

“Well, I just want you to know, that we’re here for you. We know this is a really big day, and we love you, and–”

Danny turned to him, giving a girlish head tilt and big baby Jesus eyes with fluttering lashes.

“Stop it. I’m trying to have a genuine human moment here.”

“Oh, I know, keep going Daddy…” Danny cooed, followed by an infectious giggle.

Roy crossed his arms. “Well, if you’re gonna be an asshole about it, nevermind.”

Shane pulled out a black eyeliner and began to lightly line Danny’s bottom lid. “I have no idea why you thought he would take any of this seriously. I mean, that was your first mistake.”

“Well, it’s a fucking _marriage_. It is serious!” Roy insisted.

“Oh, chill out, B. If it doesn’t work out, we can always get divorced.” Danny said, with a charming smile.

Roy scoffed. “That’s cute, bitch. Is that in your vows?”

“Nope. My vows are a very heartfelt cover of Uncle Jesse’s song ‘Forever’ from Full House.”

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!” Roy screeched.

Danny burst out laughing again, hugging Roy around the waist. “You are so easy. No. But you really need to chill out…why are you so tense? I’m the bride, here.”

“I actually think Alaska would enjoy hearing you sing ‘Forever.’ He’d appreciate both the cheesiness and the nod to 90s sitcoms,” Shane mused.

“I’m singing it during dinner,” Danny said.

Roy shook his head. “I give up.”

Danny lunged forward, climbing into his lap and wrapping his arms around Roy’s shoulders. “I’m sorry, Daddy, don’t be mad…”

Roy pushed him onto the ground. “Get offa me, you sick fuck. I’m not your fucking dad.”

Danny sighed, eyes downcast. “I know. I don’t have a dad.”

“Nice, Roy.” Shane helped Danny up. “Real supportive.”

“Well, he–I–when–” Roy sputtered.

Both Shane and Danny doubled over laughing again, and Roy stomped out of the room, muttering, “Both of you can go fuck yourselves!”

*****

Roy approved of the bossy, uptight event coordinator, who was currently shoving everyone into their places with no bedside manner whatsoever. When she scolded Shane for not paying attention (he was in the midst of telling Cory some animated story about a gig and both of them were drifting out of the line), Roy turned to Heather, Alaska’s sister, and grinned. “I like her.”

Heather laughed. “Yeah, they need someone like her to keep this shitshow on track, don’t they?”

During the ceremony, Roy found himself regretting the whole thing. Diego kept sending Shane these soft-eyed, meaningful looks, and at one point he feel his hands balled up into fists so tight, his heart beat so fast, he thought he might give himself a stroke.

Afterwards, he beelined straight for the bar, loosening his tie. He barely paid attention to the happy couple’s first dance - a dramatic performance to Whitney’s “You Light Up My Life.” When they asked everyone to join them on the dance floor, Roy had the foresight to ask for another drink. Because there they were, Shane and that douchebag Diego, laughing, looking as close and happy as ever. Roy sipped his drink miserably, trying not to fantasize about being the one with his arms around Shane’s waist, brushing the hair off his forehead, gazing into his eyes as they held each other close. _Stop it, you fucking idiot._ He turned away from the dance floor, stomach burning with shame and regret.

*****

“Roy?”

Roy turned around from the bar, where he’d just been handed his third drink, wondering if he should slow down. He still had dinner and a speech to get through, and needed to be at least semi-coherent. He groaned inwardly. What a long fucking night it was going to be. He looked up into the face of the woman who’d just tapped on his shoulder, and was hit with an unexpected wave of nostalgia.

Annette Janek.

He opened his mouth, but found himself speechless, even…maybe a little choked up. Fuck.

Annette threw her arms around his shoulders, pulling him into a hug. “Roy, my love, it is absolutely wonderful to see you! I can’t tell you how thrilled I was when Shane told us that he ran into you, after all these years.”

Roy nodded. “Yeah, I…thank you.” He gripped the glass in his hands, feeling slightly ashamed of the way he must look, drowning his sorrows, unable to even pretend to be happy for his friends without first getting hammered.

“I knew you’d be here tonight, and so I brought you a little something. I was going through Shane’s old things a few weeks ago, just some Spring cleaning, you know, and came across this in one of his scrapbooks. It’s just a copy; he’d murder me if I took the original…” Annette pulled a folded up piece of paper out of her handbag, sliding is across the bar.

Roy took it from her, wondering what he was in for, setting his drink on the bar to open it up. Whatever it was, he told himself, he would not get weird or emotional.

“It’s from that pageant you did, in your backyard. Do you remember?” Annette said.

Roy stared at the drawing in his hands, stomach in knots. “Yeah, I remember.” His voice was hoarse.

Annette touched his cheek. “It’s so good to see you, darling.”

Roy nodded. What the fuck was wrong with him? “You too. And thanks, for…this.” He tucked the paper safely into his pocket.

Annette slipped an arm around Roy’s waist and then turned to assess the party. “So, you're going to dance with me, right?”

“I don’t really dance.”

“Oh, come on. I mean neither does Diego, but that’s not stopping him from going out there and looking like an idiot.” She gestured to the dance floor, where Diego was attempting to twirl Shane and nearly knocking over Justin’s grandmother.

Roy chuckled. “Well, he’s obviously a superior being.”

“Hardly,” Annette scoffed, rolling her eyes.

Roy looked over at her with a mischievous glint in his eye. “Not a fan?”

“I know my son. Let’s just say he’s not long for this world.”

Roy polished off the rest of his drink in one gulp, trying to suppress his smile. He took Annette’s hand. “Come on, let’s dance.”

*****

The speeches went off without a hitch. Roy wasn’t used to public speaking without the armor of Bianca, but his idea of doing a joint speech with Shane so that they could play off each other worked beautifully. (As Shane put it, “You write the jokes, and I’ll look pretty,” and as Roy put it, “If we’re bombing, I’ll just insult you. Prepare yourself.”)

As they slipped back into their seats for dinner, Shane noticed Diego gone from his seat. “How long has he been missing?” he asked Heather.

“Uhh, I don’t know…like a few minutes?”

Shane pursed his lips.

“He was getting a bunch of messages before he left, and then his phone rang so–”

“I’ll be right back.” Shane got up, irritated.

Roy raised his eyebrows at Heather, taking a sip of his drink.

*

Shane found Diego pacing in the lobby, on the phone.

“Did you leave in the middle of our speech?!” he exclaimed.

Diego turned, giving him the “one moment” gesture with his finger. Shane’s mouth dropped open dramatically. He crossed his arms, tapping his foot, prepared to really lay into him. Diego continued to speak into the phone.

“Uh huh…yes, I–alright, alright, I’ll take care of it!” Diego hung up, heaving a huge sigh. “Baby–”

“Don’t you ‘baby’ me, what the fuck–”

“There’s some crisis with the investors at work, they’re calling an emergency meeting for Monday and Joe is demanding that I go back in to lead the team all day tomorrow. I am _so sorry_ , but I don’t know what to do, I’m sorry, I really am, I–”

Shane’s face softened. “They’re making you go back?”

“Yeah, I have to go in tonight, actually. I need to pull numbers from the past 4 quarters, and I can’t–”

Shane slid his arms around Diego’s waist. “Why don’t you work from the hotel room? We can bring you food, and–”

“The internet here is shit and I need to connect to the server. I’m sorry, I know this fucking sucks, but there’s no reason for it to ruin your night. I’m sorry. I hate this fucking job.”

“Me too.” Shane kissed Diego on the cheek and said, “Listen, take my car and I’ll get a ride home with someone else.”

“Yeah, thanks, I was gonna.”

Shane laughed. “Glad we got that sorted.”

*****

Roy looked up at Shane as he sat back down. “Everything cool?”

“Yeah. He has to leave. Work emergency.”

“Hmm, what a shame,” Roy said flatly, lifting his glass to his lips.

Shane narrowed his eyes at Roy for a split second before breaking into a smirk and holding up his own glass in a toast. “Bottom’s up.”


	20. 2014 - June, Continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Wedding Day continues with an afterparty. Some people handle booze better than others…

The afterparty was when the real fun happened, anyway. Ties and jackets came off, strobe lights came on, music sped up and liquor was consumed by the bucket.

Shane came bounding over to Roy and Detox at the bar, tie stuffed in his jacket like a pocket square, shirt loose and halfway open. “What are we drinking?” he asked. His eyes were already slightly glassy.

“I’m drinking Fireball. What are you drinking?” Roy looked him up and down.

Shane giggled, “I’ve had a couple. But I’ll try…what is it?”

Roy laughed and gestured to the bartender for 3 more shots. He handed one to Shane and slid one over to Detox, who winked at him and backed up. Roy shook his head slightly, but De snickered and then turned, walking away. Roy looked back at Shane, holding up his shot glass. “To Danny and Justin.”

Shane smiled. “To love.”

Roy swallowed hard and forced himself to keep smiling, clinking glasses, and then both of them downed their shots.

Shane winced, making a horrible face, and started coughing. “Oh my fuck, how do you drink that? It’s so vile, it’s like cinnamon candy but it BURNS! Oh, shit.”

Roy laughed, shaking his head. Shane grabbed a handful of cherries from the bar and started popping them into his mouth. Roy rolled his eyes at the bartender and said, “Can you please give me another shot of Fireball and a Kamikaze?” He turned back to Shane. “You’ll like this one.”

“Ugh, I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. I mean, I was just mouth-raped by a bunch of red hots,” Shane said.

“This one is vodka, lime, and triple sec. It’s sweet,” Roy said, leaning in. “I promise you’ll like it.”

“Okay, fine.” Shane picked it up and clinked glasses with Roy again. “To second tries,” he said, with a mischievous grin.

Roy nodded, his voice hoarse as he responded, “Good one. Cheers.”

They slammed their shots back, and then grinned at each other. Shane grabbed Roy’s hands. “Come on, let’s go dance.”

“I…I never dance,” Roy protested.

“Not even with me?” Shane simpered.

Roy felt his knees go weak and his defenses lower. “Okay, fine,” he said.

Shane pulled him onto the dance floor, where a heavy base pumped, filling their ears and pulsing through the floor. Danny, who was obviously shit-faced, was wrapped around Justin, kissing his neck. Through half-closed eyes, he spotted Roy and Shane and smiled sleepily. “Awww, my sisters!” he slurred, and slung one arm around Shane’s neck.

“Hey gorgeous,” Shane said, licking his cheek.

Danny shrieked with glee. Justin laughed, still holding him up by the waist. “I fuckin’ love you guys!” Danny said, and broke out into a grin.

“We know, you messy bitch. We love you too,” Roy said, ruffling his hair.

“You know, B and I have something in common,” Danny said, leaning in towards Shane conspiratorially.

“Oh yeah?”

Justin started to pull him back, “Danny, maybe you shouldn’t–”

Danny waved him off and continued. “Yeah, you were the first boy we ever loved. Both of us.” He started laughing.

“Jesus, Danny–” Roy started.

“It’s fine! Justin knows. I was 10 years old and Shane was 15 and I loooooooved him. Nothing ever happened though.”

“Danny, you are such a silly cunt. And I love you, too.” Shane kissed him on the mouth, laughing, and then said, “Go dance with your husband.”

Justin giggled and pulled him close again, kissing him passionately.

Shane turned back to Roy, smirking, grabbing him by the lapels. Someone squeezed behind him on the crowded dance floor and he leaned in, pressing closer to Roy.

As things got hotter and sweatier, Shane swayed slightly, the alcohol making him a little dizzy, the body heat making him a little lightheaded. Roy held onto him to steady him.

“Thanks,” Shane whispered. “Sorry.”

Roy nodded, felt like he was in a slightly delicate situation. He tried to quiet his pounding heartbeat. Thank god for loud music.

Shane rested a head on his shoulder. Roy tightened his arms and then saw Willam smirking at them. He looked away and there was Detox, giving him a knowing look. And Justin, head tilted and soft eyes smiling.

He cleared his throat, suddenly wanting to be anywhere but that crowded dance floor with all their friends’ eyes on them. “Shane…you wanna get another drink?”

Shane lifted his head, blinking a few times, and smiled. “Sure.”

*****

Roy pushed Shane against the wall next to his room and searched his jacket pockets for a room key. “This better be the right room, Shane.”

Shane’s eyes were hooded as he replied, “It’s right. 265. I remember because it’s my parent’s address. Wrong pockets,” he smirked saucily and turned around, pressing his hands against the wall and sticking his ass out.

Roy rolled his eyes slightly and pulled the room key out of his back pocket, unlocking the door and holding it open. Shane didn’t move. “Well? You’re here, go inside.”

Shane twisted around slightly but kept his feet planted. He slid one arm round Roy’s neck. “Help me.”

Roy knew that this was a terrible idea. All it was going to lead to was more disappointment. More heartache. More regret. “Sure,” he said, supporting Shane’s unsteady weight with one arm and leading him inside. The door closed behind them with a soft click.


	21. 2014 - June, Continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well…it’s happening…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Rating: Explicit

Roy dropped Shane, who was giggling, onto the king-sized bed in the center of the room and bent down to take off his shoes. Shane began unbuttoning his shirt the rest of the way, still lying on the bed. Roy stood up, taking his hand and helping him sit up so that he could remove his jacket and shirt.

“You okay?” Roy asked, squeezing his hand, not wanting to let go.

Shane started to nod but then he looked up at Roy and shook his head, releasing Roy’s hand and tossing his clothes to the floor. The truth was, Shane wasn’t nearly as drunk as Roy thought. But the stumbling helpless act had successfully gotten Roy into the room, and the alcohol he had consumed had given him enough liquid courage to not want him to leave. And now…

“What’s wrong?” Roy’s heart started beating faster at the intensity of his eyes.

Shane didn’t answer, but instead kept their eyes locked on each other and rested a hand on Roy’s belt buckle. Roy was frozen, unable to move. When he didn’t stop Shane after a few seconds, he began to slowly unbuckle Roy’s belt.

Roy licked his lips. Part of him wanted to say no. This wasn’t supposed to be how it happened. Drunk, casual, in the room that Shane shared with his goddamn boyfriend the night before. It was supposed to be epic, romantic, everything that they’d been missing for 20 years.

And yet…he looked down at Shane. His green eyes hungry and full of desire. His mouth parted slightly. He shed his jacket and let it fall to the floor. He ran a hand gently through Shane’s hair while Shane removed his belt and started to undo his pants. His hair felt different then when they were kids. It was thicker now, coarser. Roy rubbed his fingertips in circles on Shane’s scalp. Shane pressed up into his hand like a kitten, and then pulled him onto the bed, crawling on top of him. He pulled his dick out of his pants and stroked it gently. He smirked up at Roy, and said “Good job growing up.” Roy had a moment of concern–he’d had a lot to drink tonight. What if he couldn’t get hard? But then he just let his eyes fall closed, enjoying the sensation of Shane’s hot mouth against him. Licking him, swirling his tongue, sucking softly and then harder as Roy’s dick began to grow.

And oh god, it was so good. And yet there was something bothering Roy–they hadn’t even kissed. What was this? Was Shane gonna suck him off and then send him away? Or did he want more? Should they have talked about it? If Roy did try to talk about it, maybe Shane would get cold feet and as much as Roy needed to say how he felt, a part of him, guiltily, didn’t want to risk that.

And then he was so close. He tightened his fingers in Shane’s hair, thrusting into his mouth, but then Shane stopped and suddenly he was rummaging around in his bag, pulling out condoms and lube and tossing them onto the bed. He ripped his bottoms off frantically, at one point kicking Roy in the stomach by accident. “Shit! Sorry!” he exclaimed, throwing his underwear and pants to the ground and crawling back to straddle him. “Are you okay?”

Roy chuckled, “Yeah, I’ll survive.”

Shane grinned and rolled a condom onto Roy’s pulsing cock, spreading lube down the shaft. His eyes were bleary with alcohol as he raised up and started to sit down on Roy’s dick. Roy had a flash of concern that he wasn’t prepped that was confirmed when Shane cried out, half in pain.

“Baby, are you okay? You didn’t…you didn’t let me prep you–”

Shane giggled slightly. “I forgot. I might be a little drunk. Oh well.” He laughed again, leaning forward, resting his elbows on the bed, adjusting to the fullness and trying not to wince in pain.

Roy stroked his thighs soothingly. Tried to keep his own body still. But god. He was so tight, so fucking sexy, skin buttery soft and naughty eyes flashing in the dark. Roy’s body began to thrust up rapidly again and again, and then he had the sinking feeling that he wasn’t going to last long and FUCK, no, this was happening so fast. Why couldn’t he keep it together? He moaned, exploding, filling the condom and shrinking away in shame. He felt thirteen again, that burning embarrassment of not wanting Shane to see his face. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he repeated.

Shane looked down at him, a little surprised. “It’s okay. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have–”

“No, it’s not your–”

“But I just wanted to–” Their eyes met again and Shane started to laugh. Roy felt relief flood through him and he laughed too, pulling out and tossing the condom into the trash. His underwear was around his knees and he pulled it up, sighing.

Shane was in an undershirt and no bottoms. He curled up beside Roy. “I might not have even been able to get hard tonight anyway, to be honest. I had a lot to drink.” He giggled again, self-conscious.

“Yeah, me too. So I guess that was…”

“A disaster?”

“Yeah. Fuck.”

Shane laughed and buried his face against Roy’s shoulder. “I guess we’re better off as friends, huh?”

Roy’s heart started beating wildly again. Had he really ruined this? He wanted to speak up. To say that no, they were not better off as friends. He was desperately in love but he didn’t want to share with fucking Diego. That asshole. He wanted to tell Shane everything he felt, but instead, he said, “Yeah. I guess so,” and smiled sadly, picking his pants up off the floor and sliding off the bed.

And then a hand gripped his shirt tail, and a soft voice said, “You’re not gonna leave, are you?”

Roy stopped, and turned around. Shane pulled him back onto the bed. “I figured you’d want me to–”

“I want you to stay.”

Glancing down at him, Roy replied, “Okay…one condition though. I mean, since we’re just friends.”

“Sure, what?”

“Please put some damn underpants on.” Roy settled back against the pillows, tossing his pants back to the ground.

Shane burst out laughing. “God, you’re so strict.” He reached over into his bag, flashing Roy a wicked grin as he slid on a pair of turquoise briefs.

Roy shook his head, opening a bottle of water on the nightstand and taking a long sip. He wiped his mouth and handed the bottle to Shane. “Here, you need this more than me.”

“Thanks,” Shane said, gratefully gulping it down.

“So…cute wedding, huh?”

Shane smiled. “Yeah. I love seeing how happy they are.”

“And apparently you were Danny’s first love.”

Shane laughed again and grabbed a pillow. “I think he was exaggerating. He probably just had a little crush or something.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Roy said softly, “You’re pretty lovable.”

Shane bit his lip and looked away.

Roy decided to change the subject.

“It was really cool to see your parents. Especially your mom.”

“Awe, yeah, that made her so happy, too. She’s always loved you so much.”

“Even after I…even when you thought I was ignoring you?”

“Well. I mean, at the time, she seemed to be on my side. I guess that’s how you’d say it. But when I talked to her about it recently, she admitted that she always figured there was more to the story. But she also figured that if someone was going to that extreme to keep us from talking, then I was probably better off moving on with my life.”

“Yeah. I guess…I guess she was right.”

“Maybe.” Shane looked at Roy with eyes that, for the first time since they saw each other back in May, looked wounded. A shadow of who he used to be flickered behind the shiny, happy surface.

Roy could feel his skin getting hot. He had the strongest urge to kiss him, but he knew he shouldn’t. Instead, he reached for his hand.

“Hey.”

Shane moved toward him, eyes getting misty.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m–”

“It’s okay,” Roy said, pulling him close.

Shane curled up against Roy’s body, head resting on his chest. Roy wrapped his arms around him. Shane was still feeling tipsy, and had a sensation of the room spinning. He closed his eyes, breathing in Roy’s familiar scent, feeling both safe and slightly guilty. He knew it was wrong, allowing Roy to get this close. One of them was bound to get hurt.

Roy rubbed his face against Shane’s head, hands stroking his back, fingertips trailing up and down his spine. He wished his heart wasn’t beating so loudly. He wished that he hadn’t fucked everything up that first night. He wished he’d been more aggressive about finding him when they were kids. Surely he could have called information and gotten their number? He wanted to go back in time and shake that thirteen year old Roy, passively waiting for letters and letting himself get sucked into a deeper and deeper depression.

Shane toyed with the buttons on Roy’s shirt. Some of them were open, and he slid his fingers inside. He knew he was playing with fire right now, but in that moment, he didn’t care. He felt a rush of endorphins, nestled in Roy’s arms, yearning to touch him, to press their bare chests together like they had when they were kids. A hand went up under Roy’s shirt and suddenly the question of whether he could get hard tonight was answered. He tangled his legs around Roy’s, rubbing against him.

Roy tilted his chin up. He bent down and slowly met his lips in a soft, tentative kiss. They broke apart, breathing hard.

“Shane…” Roy began, fingers gripping the back of his undershirt, “I lied earlier. I can’t…I can’t just be your friend. It’s killing me.” His eyes were full of tears. This might be the end. He might be destroying everything. Again. But he couldn’t hold back any longer.

Shane turned around, swung a leg over him and looked intently into his eyes. He waited a beat, sitting firmly against Roy’s groin, and then took Roy’s face in both of his hands, enjoying the feel of his skin, the honesty in his beautiful chocolatey eyes.

Roy’s breath hitched as everything unsaid came pouring out. “I love you. Okay? I cannot remember a time when I didn’t love you. You were my whole world and when you left, it was like my soul was fucking destroyed. I want you so badly, Shane. These past few months have been torture. I can’t live without you for another second.” Roy felt like his chest had cracked open, his heart physically exposed. Oh, god, it hurt. He took a breath and whispered desperately, “Don’t make me. Please. I know you feel it–”

Shane silenced him with another kiss, deeper and more intense than the last. Their tongues tangled together and Roy felt like he was lit up from within, his heart bursting with joy, fire and ice racing through his veins. Shane pulled back to gaze into Roy’s eyes. He watched Roy’s face as he removed his undershirt, chest heaving. He finished unbuttoning Roy’s shirt and slipped it off. His tight white t-shirt was sweaty, and Shane peeled it off of him. He pressed another kiss to his open mouth, finally skin to skin with him for the first time in 20 years. Roy’s arms circled his waist, holding him close as Shane rocked his hips.

Roy could feel the tightening of his stomach as his body responded to Shane’s, all of the blood rushing to his groin, getting harder and longer and suddenly this grinding though the underpants wasn’t enough. He ached painfully. He rolled them over, still kissing him, hands sliding down into his underwear to squeeze his perfect ass. He tugged the briefs down and tossed them aside, then trailed kisses down his jaw, his neck, his collarbone. He kissed every inch of his torso, feeling him get more and more heated as he made his way down, fingers digging deep into his shoulders.

Shane arched his body up, one leg over Roy’s shoulder. Roy’s mouth on his stomach inching it’s way down was driving him crazy. He could feel his body trembling in anticipation as Roy got closer and closer to his dick. And then suddenly a warm tongue was on his inner thigh. His abdomen was tight with desire and his cheeks burned. Whimpering, he grabbed onto Roy’s hair and tried to force his way inside his mouth. Roy looked up wickedly, stroking his soft skin.

Roy drizzled lube onto his fingers and began to toy gently with Shane’s ass, still raw from earlier. He licked at the head of his dick with a soft tongue, sliding one finger inside him slowly, coaxing a breathy moan as he added a second finger. He worked his fingers around, curling them against Shane’s prostate and sucking harder on his dick, taking it deeper into his mouth. Shane writhed below him, panting and moaning and pulling at his hair.

Roy withdrew his fingers, going back in with three this time. He pumped his fingers in and out, kissing up Shane’s stomach to his chest, licking his nipples and then up to his neck.

“Are you ready?” he asked, hot breath on Shane’s pulse point making him shiver.

“Yes, yes yes!” Shane arched up into him, whimpering again as Roy withdrew his fingers, caressing his ass.

Roy pulled himself up and sat back on his heels. He tore a condom open with his teeth, rolling it on quickly and lubing up his throbbing cock while Shane clawed at his thighs. He grinned, sliding his hands up Shane’s thighs and wrapping them around his waist. Breathing heavily, he looked up into Shane’s face, flushed with desire. He bent forward to kiss him and Shane’s hands wound into his hair again as he thrusted his hips forward.

Roy sat back again, gripping his waist as he pushed forward into him. Shane arched again, moaning, yanked hard on Roy’s hair. Roy paused for a moment to let everything sink in before he began pumping. He finally had him. After all of these years, it was finally happening. His rhythm started out slow and controlled, carefully watching Shane’s face; when his eyes rolled back into his head, he knew he'd found the right angle. He kept one hand on his waist and hooked the other one under his leg, driving in deeper and speeding up so gradually that it was almost imperceptible, until he was thrusting into him so hard and deep and fast that they were both in a frenzy.

He leaned forward again, hands sliding up to rub Shane’s nipples. Shane clutched his shoulders, so overcome that his moaning stopped and he simply gasped for breath. He needed to come so badly that he couldn’t take it, and reached a hand down to stroke his dick. Roy slid his own hand down and joined Shane, stroking together with him while he found his mouth and massaged their tongues together.

Shane was so overstimulated that he almost blacked out as he came, crying out in ecstasy when his entire body spasmed and shook. He arched up over and over, his muscles clenching around Roy, who finally let himself go, coming so hard that it felt like an out of body experience. Every nerve was on fire, exploding with all the passion that had been building up inside of him. By the end he was barely moving, just cradling Shane’s body against his as their toes curled and waves engulfed them, hitting them again and again. Dizzy and disoriented, their lips found each other again as if by instinct. Roy cupped Shane’s face in his hands, opening his eyes to look at the dream coming true in front of him, watching his eyelids flutter, touching his flushed cheeks, his swollen lips.

“Oh god, Shane,” he breathed. “That was…you are…fuck.”

Shane’s eyes opened and he giggled, stroking his thick dark hair. “Yeah. Tell me about it.”

Roy gazed at him for another beat, drinking in the moment, his sparkling green eyes and soft smile, before pulling out and holding him close, relishing the feel of his skin.

Shane asked softly, “Do you want to go get cleaned up?”

Roy nodded, helping him up off the bed, arms still tight around his waist. They showered together, laughing and kissing and teasing each other, and then fell back into bed wrapped in big fluffy hotel robes.

Roy gathered Shane against him and slid under the covers. He sighed, kissing the top of Shane’s head, smelling his still-damp hair and letting happiness engulf him like a cloud. A giddy laugh slipped from his lips. Shane lifted his head and looked at him. “What’s so funny?” he asked, fingers brushing Roy’s cheek, which was rough with the shadow of his beard growing in.

Roy looked at him, taking a deep breath. “I’m just…I’m just happy. I don’t ever remember being this happy. Shane, you…you are all I have ever wanted. Everything I have ever wanted.” He caught Shane’s fingers, pressing them to his mouth, and whispered again, “Everything.”

Shane swallowed, unable to speak, and kissed him softly on the lips. He laid his head on Roy’s chest, closing his eyes.

Roy shivered, a thrill rippling through him as he drifted off to sleep.


	22. 2014 - June, continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Aftermath. Remember that part about people getting hurt?

Shane couldn’t sleep. He watched Roy’s even, contented breathing beside him, and the more he thought about what Roy said, the more panic rose in his throat. _Everything I have ever wanted. Everything._ How could he be _everything_ when he’d spent more than half of his life making sure that he was free - of commitments, of obligations, of roots…He didn’t deserve to be anyone’s “everything,” didn’t know if he even could. Roy was better off without him. He hated himself for letting last night happen. He hated himself for those brief moments when he could imagine their life together, if only he wasn’t so fucked up. If only he was what he used to be.

He carefully got up from the bed, thanking the universe for the gift that was Roy’s ability to sleep through a hurricane. (He almost laughed, thinking about the time when they were kids and Roy DID sleep through a hurricane, waking up baffled to find his house damaged and his family shaken.) He quickly threw his things into his bag and pulled on a t-shirt and sweatpants. At the door, he looked back one last time at Roy, biting his lip, a lump rising in his throat, wishing things were different.

Shane strode through the lobby, tears blurring his vision, mind racing a mile a minute. He stopped just outside the double doors, suddenly remembering that Diego took his car last night. He let out an audible sob, crumpling to the ground, his head in his hands.

He shakily pulled out his phone, desperately trying to think of who he could call. All of their friends were there, but they were mostly mutual friends. He needed someone who wouldn’t ask questions. Someone who, even if they were with a trick, would be just as anxious to leave the hotel as he was. He finally found the right contact and held the phone to his ear as it rang.

_“Hello?”_ came Willam’s scratchy morning voice.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but I’m–” Shane’s own voice was hoarse and broke mid sentence.

_“Where are you?”_

“Just outside the lobby. I need to get out of here. Please.”

_“Ten minutes.”_

Shane hung up, tears streaming down his face.

Willam was the perfect person for the job. He didn’t pry or cluck or try to soothe Shane’s shattered heart. He simply tossed their bags into the trunk, slid into the driver’s seat, and began blasting Rihanna.

*****

Roy stretched and stirred, turning over towards Shane with a sleepy smile. But the spot next to him in the big bed was empty and the sheets were cold. Roy sat up, listening for the sound of running water. That’s when he noticed that Shane’s bag was gone.

His pulse quickened as he picked up his phone. No messages. No explanation. He debated whether or not to call for half a second before he bit the bullet. The phone rang twice and then clicked over to voicemail. So wherever Shane was, he was awake. And he didn’t want to talk.

Roy’s stomach churned with fear as he replayed the night before in his head. He felt a shooting pain recalling that he’d done pretty much all of the talking. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. He jumped up and ran to the bathroom, emptying his guts into the toilet, dread racing through his veins like ice. But in spite of everything, he clung to the desperate hope that maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t fucked things up beyond repair. That this was not the end. It couldn’t be the end.

He slowly rose from the floor and looked at himself in the mirror. Yikes. A long, steamy shower was in order, after which he looked at his phone. Nothing. He tried again. This time, it was three rings before the voicemail began. He sat down and slowly typed out a text message.

_ROY: Are you okay?_

No response. Roy paced around the room, trying to wait a normal amount of time before sending a second message. He lasted about 15 minutes.

_ROY: Please talk to me. I want to understand why you left. I don’t care if it hurts, I just want to hear your voice._

There was no response for an agonizing 21 minutes, while Roy changed and packed his things, and then:

_SHANE: I’m sorry_

Roy’s heart dropped to his feet. Why was he sorry? For leaving? For doing it in the first place? For sleeping with Roy when he had no intention of going any further than that? For letting Roy profess his undying love when he didn’t feel the same way? He rubbed his face, breathing growing ragged.

Despite the fact that all of this was her fault, Roy had a strong desire suddenly to call his mother. She, at least, answered her phone when he called her.

_“Hola mijo!”_

“Hi mama,” Roy croaked brokenly.

_“Roy, baby, what’s wrong?”_

“I…I can’t…can I please come home? I think…I can take some time off in a few weeks?”

_“Of course, baby, of course.”_

“Okay, I’ll…I’ll send you my flight info once I have a ticket. Thanks.”

_“I can’t wait to see you, mijo. I love you.”_

*****

Shane pushed the food around his plate, taking a few halfhearted bites. He glanced over at Diego’s plate beside his, noticed that his boyfriend was finished. He reached over to clear the plates, but Diego stopped him.

“Leave them for a minute,” he said, pulling Shane against him and kissing him softly.

“I have to get ready,” Shane protested.

“You’ve got three hours. Come on,” Diego nuzzled his face, wrapping his hands around Shane’s waist.

Shane shoved him backwards. “I just ate Mexican food, Diego. I’m not in the mood to have sex right now.”

Diego blinked. “I was trying to kiss you. Not stick my dick inside you. Jesus.”

“Sorry.” Guilt bloomed in Shane’s chest as he got up slowly from the couch, carrying the plates over to the kitchen.

“Are you okay? You seem…you’ve been in a mood all week.”

Shane closed his eyes. “I’m fine.”

Diego scoffed. “You’re a terrible liar.”

“I slept with Roy.” Shane let this news hang in the air for a moment, and then finished with, “And I feel very fucking guilty about it.”

Diego took a long sip of his beer and then set it down. “Like…one time, or it’s an ongoing thing?”

“One time. At the wedding.”

“I guess I shouldn’t have left early,” Diego commented with a wry smile.

“Would you get serious?!”

“Well, Shane, it’s not like this is the first…I mean, I assume you guys were drinking. Right?”

“Yeah.”

“So…I mean, shit happens. It’s not the end of the world. There’s no reason to feel guilty. Come here…” Diego reached for him, but Shane slipped away, biting his lip.

“That’s not why I feel guilty.”

Diego scratched his head. “Okay…I’ll bite. Why do you feel guilty?”

“Because…because…” Shane searched for words. His heart hammered. “Because, I know how he feels, and I made the first move anyway. And then I let him pour his heart out, and I didn’t have the courage to respond. I just panicked and left at the crack of dawn, like an asshole.”

“I see,” Diego said carefully. “So…you don’t feel guilty because of me. You feel guilty because of him.”

“Well why would I feel guilty because of you, _you_ don’t care!” Shane shook his head, exasperated.

Diego stared at him for a moment like he was an alien, blinking.

Shane continued shakily, “I tell myself that I’m a good person, a caring person, a considerate person, but I’m not. I can’t even let someone-” his voice broke.

Diego was silent. He looked down at his hands, and took a deep breath, then asked quietly, “Are you in love with this guy?”

Shane looked up sharply. “Why would you say that?” His hands were clenching the back of a chair tightly.

“Because…I’ve never seen you this emotional. I figured you just weren’t the emotional type. But…maybe you just don’t feel it with me.”

“This isn’t about you.”

“No shit.”

Shane sighed.

“You know what, you _are_ an asshole. You don’t even have the decency to break up with me.”

“What–”

“I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. Maybe I was blind or stupid or just didn’t want to, but God… I really must be a joke to you, huh?”

“Diego…” Shane protested halfheartedly.

Diego chuckled. “I really hope this guy knows what he’s in for,” he added, standing up.

Shane said nothing. A tear rolled down his cheek.

“Have a nice life, Shane.”

*****

Roy sat in his parents’ backyard, facing the group of the trees where his treehouse used to be. His father ripped it down 10 years ago after one of his nieces got hurt when the railing broke off. Eddy was more upset than he was at the time, since he’d viewed it as a constant reminder of the biggest loss he’d ever faced.

With shaking hands, he opened the manila envelope that his mother had handed him. God knows why she kept the letters all these years. Probably guilt. He took a sip from a bottle of tequila, aware that there was no way he would be able to dull the pain to come, but determined to try something.

He turned the envelope over and let the letters slide onto the table. There were ten of them, all unopened. He didn’t know why, but the idea that they were still unopened was even worse than the thought of his mother reading his mail. He carefully arranged them in order by post office date, and then slowly opened the first one.

*****

_August 26, 1994_  
Dear Roy,  
We made it. Wow, that drive was awful and it didn’t help that I spent most of it crying into a pillow. Every mile we drove, I could feel that we were getting farther and farther apart and I just can’t even imagine how I’m going to get through this school year without you…

_*_

_…God, I don’t even know if I should send this. I’m trying to apologize for being weird and I keep going back to how I felt about you. I wish I knew what you were thinking. Why didn’t you ever just tell me?? Ugh. Okay, I’m gonna go, I’ve wasted enough of your time._  
If you ever feel like writing to me…I’d like to hear from you.  
Sincerely,  
Shane

*****

Roy finished the last letter, tears dripping down his face, nose running, wondering how on earth his heart could keep breaking over and over again. How did it hurt just as much today as it did back then? And now, added to his own misery, the thought of Shane agonizing over the mailbox, waiting for a response that never came. No wonder Shane didn’t trust him. How could he trust anyone? He wiped his face on his sleeve and put all of the letters back into the envelope, then stood up and headed for his parents’ garage.

There was a chance it wouldn’t even be there. A lot of shit was destroyed in Hurricane Katrina. What they could save, his mother had carefully reboxed in plastic containers. She’d encouraged all of the kids to go through them and take what they wanted, but at the time, Roy was desperate to get out of town and start fresh in New York. And his tiny studio couldn’t handle even one more box of sentimental crap from his childhood.

He found a box with his name on it and opened the lid. Two stuffed animals, a baseball trophy (REALLY???), some yearbooks and sketch pads and a few photo albums. And then he found what he was looking for: a spiral-bound Mead notebook with the torn red cover. He opened it. The first page was random doodling and a couple of anarchy signs. That went on for four pages, and then on the fifth page, he found what he was looking for. He carefully tore the pages from the notebook, and folded them into the manila envelope. Before closing the box and putting it away, he leaned against the shelves, taking a deep breath, struggling not to cry again.


	23. 2014 - July

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane tries to deal with his feelings. Or rather, not deal with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Rating: Explicit

Courtney nodded emphatically, only half-listening to the earnest young girl at her meet and greet, trying hard to focus on the sweet fan while she signed her t-shirt, but finding herself getting distracted by the bartender giving her bedroom eyes. Just what she needed. A sexy encounter with a stranger in…what city was this? It didn’t matter. She wouldn’t be back here for months, if that. Chances were she’d never see him again.

Twenty minutes later, they were making out sloppily in the backseat of his car, and Courtney was coming to the irritating realization that this large man was expecting her to top. She should have known. The straight looking ones always wanted to get fucked the second you got them alone.

Afterwards, she cleaned up, silently handing him one of the travel wipes from her handbag.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

Great. One of the self hating ones who regretted it the second they blew. Her heart started to beat a little faster. He didn’t seem like the violent type, but you never know, right? She swallowed, trying to calm her nerves. It was fine. She was fine. She was just being paranoid. He was a nice guy. He had an Obama/Biden bumper sticker.

“Fuck,” he said, looking down at the seat of his car. “There’s glitter everywhere.”

“Afraid that’s a vocational hazard,” she said.

He looked up, eyes creased with worry. “My girlfriend is gonna kill me.”

Courtney rolled her eyes slightly. For a second she wondered if helping this closet case cheat on his girlfriend was a moral gray area, but decided that wasn’t really her biggest concern at 3 am on a Thursday night. “Do you have duct tape?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“You’ll be fine. It’ll get it right out. Don’t try brushing it off, that’ll just spread it. Duct tape is your best friend. Trust me.”

“Thanks.”

“Um…so…alright then.” Courtney made a move towards the door handle.

“Oh, uh, wait…” He cleared his throat awkwardly and then dug in his pocket. “You should take this…for cab fare.”

Courtney looked at the offered bills, bristling slightly, trying to decide whether she should tell him where to stick that money…but on the other hand…she did need to get back, so…she took the cash, swallowing. “Thanks.”

“So when do you think you’ll be back in tow–”

She slammed the car door, heading back to the bar to gather her belongings on unsteady platforms, the humid air filling her lungs with a heavy, suffocating sensation.

*****

Courtney sat at the mirror, doing small, unnecessary touch-ups here and there. She’d finished her face in record time tonight. Normally when she was touring with Willam, it took her two or three times as long, because they never stopped laughing, play fighting, and she constantly got distracted by his antics. But today, the only thing she could do to hold back the tidal wave of sadness threatening to engulf her completely was to focus on her work, her performance. Shutting out all other voices.

Willam leaned over her shoulder with a drink. He still had no lips and no wig, so his face looked a little ghoulish. “Gurl, you need to loosen up. The other queens here think you’re a snob.”

Courtney spun around, a tense smile on her face. “Well, we’ve gotta fix that, don’t we, Bill?” She snatched the drink and began gulping it down quickly, trying to ignore the way it burned her throat. She plastered on a grin and let Willam introduce her to the other girls in the room, making small talk and exchanging tips and listening to their stories. It was a nice distraction from her own head, actually. Unfortunately, she wasn’t paying attention to Willam carefully “refreshing” her drink constantly, so most of the evening soon became a blur.

She woke up in the morning still in full beat and a bustier, naked from the waist down, some boy she wouldn’t have been able to pick out of a lineup passed out at the foot of her bed, feeling like she’d been hit by a mack truck. And the crushing guilt, inescapable sadness, all of it was just a thousand times worse. Why the fuck do people drink when they’re depressed?

******

The next night, having learned at least one lesson, she got one cocktail at the beginning of the night and asked the bartender to keep refilling it with water. That way Willam thought he was helping her party her demons away, but she got to stay relatively sober.

Pretending to be drunk, though, was not exactly the easy way out. Because she had to be that bright, happy ray of sunshine that she used to be, before this whole mess started. She had to sing, and prance around, flirting like mad and making out with strangers.

This was all AFTER the performance which was draining enough. By the time she got back to her hotel just before sunrise, she collapsed on the bed, feeling like she could easily sleep for 40 hours straight, knowing that the reality was that she had to be dressed and packed and ready for the airport by 8 am. Sometimes life on the road was a real fucking bitch.

*****

_WILLAM: How’s the trade in Miami?_

_SHANE: Stellar ;)_

_WILLAM: Liar. I know you. You’re doing that thing_

_SHANE: What THING?_

_WILLAM: That self-punishing bullshit that you call mindfulness or some other new age nonsense but actually is really just you refusing to let yourself relax and have any fun and by the way that’s the opposite of mindfulness._

_SHANE: Since when do you know fuck all about Zen?_

_WILLAM: I know some stuff_

_SHANE: Maybe I deserve a little self punishing, Willam. Sometimes you need to reflect on your choices and learn from your mistakes._

_WILLAM: Way to miss my entire point_

_WILLAM: You’re a hopeless piece of garbage who will never be happy_

_SHANE: Thx for your support Bill_

_WILLAM: Anytime. XO_

*****

Back in LA, Willam continued his campaign of “cheer Courtney up with liquor and sexy trade” and bascially forced Shane to come out with him and Simon to Eleven, where he promised there was supposed to be some kind of epic party going on. Of course when they arrived it was an utter shit show and Shane could feel his headache coming on.

Simon put an arm around him and led him over to some weird looking cinder block chairs, encouraging him to share his feelings. But a club full of disco lights and house music, and Willam screaming at them to do shots and chug tequila sunrises didn’t really lend itself to deep conversations so after a few minutes, Shane ended up just smiling and telling Simon it was fine, he was fine, all was good and weren’t they lucky to be alive?

And for awhile he convinced himself that it was true. He danced, he twirled, he sweated out the anxiety in a sea of pulsing bodies, lost in the crowd, grateful for the music, for the moment, for his friends.

But then a flash of guilt, a familiar scent, something flickering in the corner of his eye would jolt him back into reality, would force him out of his reverie and _make_ him remember that he didn’t deserve to be carefree and happy and content. He didn’t deserve this night. And a lump rose in his throat, and his knees felt shaky, and he walked back over to the chairs, sitting down unsteadily, breathing in and out slowly, as if his body would forget how to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide unless he concentrated very, very hard.

“Courtney! You fuckin slut!” Willam slurred, stumbling over, dragging a beefy guy by the strap of his tank top. “This is Matt.”

“My name is Kevin,” he corrected.

Willam put a hand over the guy’s mouth. “Shut up, no one cares.” He turned back to Shane. “Kyle here is the only top left in WeHo. And he’s gonna bang you out real nice, cause I told him it’s your birthday. So, happy birthday. Smile.”

Shane furrowed his brow, puzzled. “It’s not-”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COURTNEY! HAVE FUN GETTING RAILED!” Willam shoved Kevin into Shane’s lap and then waved goodbye, prancing back over to the bar.

Shane cleared his throat. “Um, hi. It’s not really my birthday.”

“I kind of figured that out,” Kevin laughed, sliding into his own seat.

“Sorry about that,” Shane said, “She’s real aggressive.”

“He seems like he just wants you to have a good night.”

“Yeah.”

“So, uh…you want a drink?”

“I think I’m okay.”

“You…wanna…go somewhere?” he asked tentatively.

Shane looked at him for a long moment, biting his lip, then said, “Sure.”

*****

_I’m too old for this_ , was Shane’s primary thought, as he pressed his palms against the bathroom stall, Kevin’s fingers digging into his hips. Too old to get hammered and fuck a stranger in a club toilet, with nothing but spit as lube, praying his shorts don’t slide all the way to the ground because the thought of them touching whatever was on the sticky, wet cement floors made him want to gag. He moved a hand down to stroke his dick, trying to speed things along.

Suddenly the feeling of this guy panting in his ear, the cacophony of the club and the rancid combination of disinfectant and cologne and other even less pleasant odors from the bathroom were making him feel ill. And he just needed it to be over, so he tugged furiously, while Kevin moaned and thrust faster against him, slamming into his hips. He pushed backwards, grabbing a wad of toilet paper to absorb the mess as he neared the end. Once he came, he contracted his muscles a few times, which seemed to do the trick. Kevin groaned and collapsed against him, pressing him harder against the stall, lips in his hair.

Shane reached down to rescue his shorts before they hit the disgusting floor, pulling away slightly from Kevin’s contented sighing as he dropped the condom into the toilet.

*****

_WILLAM: Morning tiger ;)_

_SHANE: Hey_

_WILLAM: Where’d you sneak off to last night?_

_SHANE: lol_

_WILLAM: He had a nice dick, huh?_

_SHANE: Ugh, have you fucked him too?_

_WILLAM: No, but I blew him a few months ago at Rage. He’s a big boy._

_SHANE: Delightful_

_WILLAM: You feel better?_

_SHANE: I’m a brand new woman_

_WILLAM: Wanna come to brunch? There’s a new place on Melrose that Alaska is raving about. You know it’s good if that skinny cunt says so._

_SHANE: Who else is coming?_

_WILLAM: Not HIM, don’t worry. I’m not an idiot._

_SHANE: I dunno. I kind of feel gross. I might go to Runyon._

_WILLAM: BOO YOU WHORE_

_SHANE: Sorry. I really do appreciate the babysitting. You’re a good friend, Bill._

_WILLAM: Whatever. Snap out of this bullshit before I get bored and find someone else to hang out with. You’re really starting to become a liability._

_SHANE: I’ll do my best_

_WILLAM: XO_


End file.
